Historical jokes. Anecdotes about kings: from Peter I to Nicholas II Father and his son

There is one rather funny story associated with the name of the Roman Emperor Gallienus. One jeweler, who sold counterfeit precious stones and was sentenced to the arena (to gladiator fights) for this, was kicked out into the middle of the arena and placed in front of a closed lion cage. The unfortunate man waited with bated breath for an inevitable and, moreover, terrible death, and then the door of the cage opened and... a chicken came out of it. The jeweler, unable to withstand the stress, fainted. When the audience had laughed enough, Gallienus ordered the announcement: “This man deceived, therefore he was deceived.” The jeweler was brought to his senses and released on all four sides.

“During her frequent trips around Russia, Catherine often awarded and thanked many military and civilians, and she loved to do this publicly.
“Your Majesty,” the Belgian prince Charles Joseph de Ligne (1735-1814) once remarked to her, “it seems that you are always satisfied with your subjects?”
“No, prince,” answered Catherine, “I am not always satisfied with them.” But I always praise out loud, and scold quietly and privately.”

One day A. Dumas decided to fight a duel. Together with one young man, they threw two pieces of paper into a hat, one of which had the word “death” written on it. The one who pulled out this inscription had to shoot himself. It was actually this piece of paper that Dumas pulled out. There is nothing to do, he retreats into the room with the pistol, a minute later a shot is heard. Relatives run in and see the picture. Dumas stands with a pistol and says in surprise “I missed!”

The old general Fyodor Mikhailovich Shestakov, having served for more than 40 years, had never been to St. Petersburg and came there only on the occasion of his resignation to obtain the documents necessary for his pension.
The secretary of Catherine II introduced Shestakov to the empress, who loved to present awards, diplomas and everything else that could please deserving officials and military personnel. Seeing Shestakov for the first time, Catherine was surprised, because she believed that she knew all her generals, and, unable to restrain herself, she remarked:
- How is it, Fyodor Mikhailovich, that I have never seen you before?
“But I, Mother Queen, didn’t know you either,” answered the simple-minded old man.
- Well, who knows about me, a poor widow! And you, Fyodor Mikhailovich, are still a general!

Commander of the Kyiv Military District, General M.I. Dragomirov forgot to congratulate Alexander III on his birthday. What was to be done? Dragomirov sent the following telegram to the Tsar: “For the third day we drink to the health of Your Majesty.” And I received the following answer from the emperor: “It’s time to finish. Alexander".

During his stay in Paris, Peter I paid a visit to the young French king. He was met by ministers, marshals and representatives of the court, and the young king sat on the porch.
After mutual greetings, a difficulty arose as to who should go first. Then Peter took the young king in his arms and walked with him up the stairs, while he said: “Now I carry all of France in my arms!”

One day Suvorov called an officer to his office, locked the door and said that he had a sworn enemy. The officer, who was very unrestrained in his tongue and, as a result, made many enemies, was at a loss as to who it could be.
“Go to the mirror and stick out your tongue,” Suvorov ordered.
When the surprised officer did this, Suvorov said:
- So he is your main enemy!

After the construction of the La Scala theater, the morals of the audience did not change. So, during the Milanese festivities of 1779, the spectators were served hot minestrone and large pieces of veal. So the clanking of knives and forks died down only during the performance of the most popular arias.
But much later, Berlioz wrote that he could not listen to opera in the theater because of the constant clanking of dishes.

In the 19th century, one Russian landowner, far from social life, wanted to enroll his son in some educational institution, but did not know how to correctly draw up a petition. And, most importantly, how to title the sovereign. After much thought, he remembered that he once held a newspaper in his hands and the sovereign was called “the most august” in it. It was September and the simpleton wrote “September Sovereign.” Having read it, Nicholas I laughed and ordered his son to be accepted and taught so that he would not be such a fool as his father.

In the last years of his life, in his eighties, Ivan Ivanovich Sosnitsky became noticeably decrepit, but under no circumstances did he want to consider himself an old man. He was cheerful and not averse to roles requiring a middle-aged performer. In his venerable years, he could safely play old people without makeup, since both in his figure and in his face, furrowed with numerous wrinkles, he was a man of “ancient appearance.” Meanwhile, he always applied his makeup diligently and for a long time, shaded out his own wrinkles and drew out new ones with a lead pencil. Sometimes he would paint himself in the most incredible way, put a bald wig on his bald head and admire himself in front of the mirror until he left.
One day the late artist Gromova came up to him and asked:
- Ivan Ivanovich, why did you smear your face? It all came out in some kind of scars...
- Stupid! - Sosnitsky answered not without heart. - Don’t you know that I’m playing an old man?

Peter I

Peter the Great was already surrounded by myths and legends during his lifetime. Many of them were related to how the first Russian emperor “went to the people.” His behavior was recognized by many as eccentric, to put it mildly, and they also ridiculed the fact that the second person in the state, Alexander Menshikov, began his career by selling pies. The first anecdote is dedicated to Peter’s favorite, a person who ideally personifies the phraseology “from rags to riches” (and vice versa). He talks about why, in fact, Peter valued Menshikov so much.

“Peter I adored Menshikov. However, this did not stop him from often beating His Serene Highness with a stick. Somehow, a fair quarrel occurred between them, in which Menshikov suffered greatly: the Tsar broke his nose and put a huge lantern under his eye. And then he kicked him out with the words: “Get out, son of a pike, and may I no longer have your legs!” Menshikov did not dare to disobey, he disappeared, but a minute later he entered the office again... in his arms!”

In general, Peter valued people who had imagination. Another example of this can be found in another classic joke about Pyotr Alekseevich. By the way, it also illustrates how high social mobility was during the formation of the Russian Empire.

“Peter I, they say, walked around the city unrecognized in simple clothes and talked with ordinary people. One evening in a tavern he drank beer with a soldier, and the soldier pawned his broadsword for the drink. To the bewilderment of “Peter Mikhailov,” the soldier explained: they say, for now I’ll sheathe a wooden broadsword, and I’ll buy it from my salary.

The next morning the king arrived at the regiment, walked through the ranks, recognized the sly man, stopped and ordered: “Cut me with your broadsword!” The soldier is speechless and shakes his head negatively. The king raised his voice: “Ruby! Otherwise, you’ll be hanged this very second for neglecting an order!”

Nothing to do. The soldier grabbed the wooden hilt and yelled: “Lord God, turn this formidable weapon into wood!” - and chopped. Only the chips flew! The regiment gasped, the regimental priest prayed: “A miracle, God granted a miracle!” The king twirled his mustache and said in a low voice to the soldier: “Resourceful, you bastard! - and loudly to the regimental commander: - Five days in the guardhouse for uncleaning the scabbard! And then send me to navigation school.”

Another important feature of Peter the Great's time - the emergence of a strong connection with Western European culture, as well as the everyday habits and resourcefulness of the emperor, is perfectly shown by the following story.

“Peter was undemanding in his clothes. He wore his dress and shoes for a long time, sometimes to the point of holes. The habit of French courtiers to appear every day in a new dress caused him only ridicule: “Apparently, the young man can’t find a tailor who would dress him quite to his taste?” - he teased the marquis assigned to the distinguished guest. At the reception with the king, Peter appeared in a modest frock coat made of thick gray sheepskin, without a tie, cuffs or lace, in - oh horror! - an unpowdered wig. The extravagance of the Russian guest so shocked Versailles that it temporarily became fashionable. For a month, the court dandies embarrassed the court ladies with their wild costume, which received the official name “savage outfit.”

Catherine II

German by origin, Catherine the Great is remembered by historians as the ruler who created the idea of the need for Russia to conquer the Bosphorus and as the “German mother of the Russian Fatherland.” The first story is dedicated to Catherine II’s attitude towards her own German roots.

“One day the empress felt ill, and her beloved doctor Rogerson ordered her to be bled. After this procedure, she received Count Bezborodko.
- How are you, Your Majesty? - asked the count.
- Now it is better. “I let out the last German blood,” answered the Empress.”

The First Russian-Turkish War (1768–1774) also occurred during the reign of Catherine. Naturally, this was immediately played up in jokes circulating in the world.

“Once, Catherine II received a petition from a naval captain to allow him to marry a black woman. Catherine allowed, but her permission caused condemnation among many Orthodox Christians who considered such a marriage sinful. Catherine responded like this:
“This is nothing more than an ambitious political plan against Turkey: I wanted to solemnly commemorate the marriage of the Russian fleet with the Black Sea.”

Paul I

The son of Catherine II, Grand Master of the Order of Malta, connoisseur of the German army, Paul I was unloved by many nobles. Connected with this were rumors about his illegal birth and reforms that weakened the position of the nobility. Naturally, he was the most popular object of jokes and anecdotes. In love with knightly aesthetics and the external side of military affairs, Pavel earned among his contemporaries the stereotypical image of a martinet. The following short anecdote is connected with this, for example.

- Why are there only seven French fashion stores in St. Petersburg? This is the capital of the empire.
- The Emperor doesn’t allow it anymore. He says that he tolerates them only according to the number of mortal sins.

But here is a typical common story about Pavel, who adored military exercises, which he conducted at his Gatchina residence.

“A great lover of order and war games, Emperor Paul once conceived of maneuvers. He and his detachment were to attack the fortress, and ordered its defenders to hold out for up to 12 hours. An hour and a half before the appointed time, the emperor approached the fortress, but then a persistent rain poured down. Pavel ordered the commandant to open the gate, but he did not even think of letting him in. Exactly at 12, the emperor found himself in the fortress and attacked the commandant with angry reproaches. But he showed Paul his own order, in accordance with which he acted. The emperor had no choice but to thank the staunch colonel for the precise execution of the order. The colonel immediately became a major general, but was immediately exposed to the continuing downpour.”

And of course, speaking about Pavel, one cannot help but recall his tragic death as a result of a conspiracy. And there were some jokes about Pavel’s desire to do everything according to schedule.

“Paul asked the murderers who broke into his bedroom to wait, because he wanted to work out the ceremony for his own funeral.”

In addition, they also laughed at the official reaction of the authorities to the death of the emperor. The de facto cause of his death was declared to be apoplexy. An anecdote was immediately born on this topic:

“The Emperor died from an apoplectic blow to the temple with a snuff box.”

Alexander I

Unlike his father and predecessor, Alexander was loved. Although not the entire period of his reign, but the beginning of the Alexander era was perceived by the nobility and the people very optimistically. Having begun his reign with near-liberal reforms, Alexander the Blessed (as pre-revolutionary historians called him) ended it with a rather harsh tightening of the screws.

Alexander’s attitude towards the documents he signed was often reflected in various stories. Apparently, the multiple, rather superficial reforms he carried out made their presence felt.

“According to General Alexei Petrovich Ermolov, Emperor Alexander had some kind of morbid passion for symmetry, and the general considered this disease to be hereditary and chronic. The emperor might not sign some important document only because the first movement of the pen produced the beginning of the letter A that he did not quite like. And that’s all. He didn’t need any other reasons for not signing the document.”

The creator of the Tsarskoye Selo Lyceum was not ignored by the most famous of its graduates, Alexander Sergeevich Pushkin, who wrote an epigram simultaneously about the Lyceum’s assistant tutor Zernov and his namesake, the All-Russian Emperor. And it was entitled: “To two Alexander Pavlovichs.”

Romanov and Zernov dashing,
You are similar to each other:
Zernov! You're limping your leg
Romanov with his head.

But what if I find enough strength?
Comparison of cumming with a spitz?
The one in the kitchen broke his nose,
And the one near Austerlitz.

Nicholas I

The Russian autocrat, considered one of the strongest rulers in Europe of his time, is often accused of excessive rigidity, strengthening censorship, despotism and extreme political conservatism. But it was under him that the first railway in Russia was opened and a code of laws was finally established and written down. Of course, they joked about the suppressor of the Decembrist uprising, but they did it carefully and respectfully. An example would be a traditional historical anecdote.

“During the Crimean War, the sovereign, outraged by the theft that was being discovered everywhere, in a conversation with the heir, expressed himself as follows:
“It seems to me that in all of Russia you and I are the only ones who don’t steal.”

Perhaps, the same Pushkin allowed himself to speak out most sharply: “There is a lot of the ensign in him and a little of Peter the Great.” At the same time, Nikolai, in the anecdotal tradition, appears not as an ensign, but as a man who simultaneously possessed perfect self-control and a sense of humor.

“Once, when Nicholas I came out to the regiment, one button on his cuff was not fastened.
The adjutant delicately reported to the emperor about the oversight. To this the emperor said in a voice that was heard by the entire regiment:
- I'm dressed in uniform. This regiment is not dressed in uniform.
And immediately the regiment undid one button on the cuff.”

“One of the court officials filed a complaint with Nicholas I against an officer who stole his daughter from him and married her without the permission of her parents. Nikolai wrote the following resolution on the complaint: “The officer should be demoted, the marriage annulled, the daughter returned to her father, considered a virgin.”

As already mentioned, they slandered Nicholas carefully. For example, they laughed at his seriousness and pride.

“Nicholas I liked to check posts at night. One day he came across an ensign (at that time the lowest officer rank) of one of the engineering units. The ensign saw the emperor and stood to the front.
-Where are you from? - Nikolai asked.
-From the depot, Your Majesty! - the ensign reported.
-Fool! Is the “depot” inclined? - the emperor corrected the illiterate servant.
-Everyone bows to Your Majesty! - the ensign said flatteringly, but extremely sincerely.
The ensign greeted the morning as a captain.”

Alexander II

Several famous historical anecdotes are associated with the reign of this Russian reformer. For example, a story dedicated to Zhukovsky, the mentor of the then Tsarevich Alexander.

“Nicholas is traveling in a carriage with Tsarevich Alexander and his mentor, the poet Vasily Zhukovsky. The innocent prince saw a famous three-letter word on the fence and asked Zhukovsky what it meant. The Emperor looked at Zhukovsky with interest, waiting to see how the master of words would get out of the situation.
“Your Imperial Highness,” answered Zhukovsky, “this is the imperative mood of the verb “hot.”
The Emperor remained silent. But upon returning home, he smiled at Zhukovsky, unfastened the chain with an expensive gold watch and handed it to the poet with the words: “... in his pocket!”

There were many terrorist attempts on the life of Alexander II. Perhaps the most common anecdote of that time is connected with one of them, which happened near the Summer Garden. Then a peasant who came to sell fish saved the king, covering the king with his body.

-Who shot him?
- Nobleman.
-Who saved him?
- Peasant.
- How was he rewarded?
- Made him a nobleman.

Apparently, Zhukovsky’s pupil was not imbued with a great love for writers. This is evidenced by the following anecdote about the attitude of Alexander II towards Turgenev.

“One of the emperor’s interlocutors said that Ivan Sergeevich Turgenev is a most wonderful person. The emperor instantly reacted: “That is, how wonderful a writer can be!”

Alexander III

Emperor Alexander III did not wage wars, rolled back numerous reforms of his predecessors, and was extremely concerned about preserving Russian culture. The latter caused a lot of laughter among those who surrounded the peacemaker king.
For example, this is what one of the legends about the beginning of his reign sounds like.

“As soon as he ascended the throne, Alexander III called several especially trusted persons into his office and, looking around to see if anyone was eavesdropping, asked them to frankly tell him “the whole truth”:
- Whose son is Paul I? - Alexander III asked Count Gudovich on the second day after his accession.
“Most likely, the father of Emperor Pavel Petrovich was Count Saltykov,” answered Gudovich.
“Glory to you, God,” exclaimed Alexander III, fervently crossing himself, “that means I have at least a little Russian blood in me.”

Or another historical anecdote on the same topic.

“One day, members of the headquarters of one of the army corps were introduced to the emperor. When the name Kozlov was heard for the seventh time, Alexander Alexandrovich could not resist exclaiming:
- Finally!
All other surnames were of German origin.”

And the tsar’s love of peace, if we go by the popular stories, can be explained, for example, by his disinterest in foreign affairs. One way or another, the following anecdote does a good job of revealing the personality of “the most Russian tsar among Russian tsars.”

“Once in Gatchina, during a fishing trip, which the tsar was very keen on, a minister found him with an urgent request to immediately receive the ambassador of some great power.
“When the Russian Tsar is fishing, Europe can wait,” the emperor calmly answered.”

Nicholas II

Nicholas II, who lost the Russo-Japanese War, did not escape the First World War and ultimately abdicated the throne, was often ridiculed by his contemporaries, evilly and mercilessly. A classic joke from the time of the first Russian revolution (1905–1907) goes like this:

“Why was there suddenly a need for a constitution limiting the monarchy? After all, for ten years now we have had a “limited” king!”

In general, the mental abilities of the last Russian emperor have been doubted more than once precisely in anecdotal form.

“One day Nicholas II went to visit a military hospital. The prudent military authorities arranged it so that there were no sick people at all, but only those recovering.
- What is this guy sick with? - the sovereign inquired at the bedside of one soldier.
“He had typhus, Your Majesty,” the head of the hospital reported.
- Typhus? - asked His Majesty. - I know, I had it myself. From such a stupid disease they either die, or, remaining alive, go crazy.”

“It was a wonderful summer day when Nicholas II, not content with a walk in the park adjacent to his summer palace, wandered with his adjutant into the nearest forest. Suddenly he hears cuckooing: “Kuk-ku, kuk-ku.”
- What is this? - asks His Majesty .
“This is a cuckoo, Your Majesty,” explains the adjutant.
- Cuckoo? - the king asks again. “Well, exactly like the clock in our Swiss pavilion.”

“When an agricultural exhibition was opened in St. Petersburg, Nicholas II with his entire retinue was present at the opening. After the prayer service, the sovereign makes a tour of the exhibition and, among other things, enters the artificial fertilizer section. The Minister of Agriculture gives tedious explanations and draws His Majesty's attention to how extremely important it is for agriculture to have cheap artificial fertilizers.
“All this is wonderful,” says Nikolai, “but please tell me what, exactly, do men give to their cows so that they provide artificial fertilizers?”

The Russian bureaucracy, which is usually recognized as one of the main reasons for the defeat in the Russo-Japanese War, also suffered.

“After the end of the Russo-Japanese War, it was decided to knock out a medal for its veterans. The phrase “May the Lord exalt you” was suggested as the text. Nikolai wrote in the margin: “In due time, report on readiness.” But for some reason the zealous assistants decided that the words “in due time” should be added to the text, which were on the same level as the original text.”

Pyotr Dolgorukov “Petersburg Sketches: Pamphlets of an Emigrant (1860–1867)”
Pyotr Vyazemsky “Notebooks (1813–1848)”
Naum Sindalovsky “The History of St. Petersburg in a City Anecdote”, “Legends and Myths of St. Petersburg”
Mikhail Pylyaev “Wonderful eccentrics and originals”, “Old Petersburg”, “Old Moscow”

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Archimedes had two cats - a big one and a small one. They constantly distracted him from his philosophical thoughts, scratched at the door and asked to take a walk. Then Archimedes made two holes in the door: a large one and a small one, i.e. for both cats.

A friend noticed and asked:

- What is the second hole for, since a small cat can crawl into a large hole?

Archimedes scratched his head:

- I somehow didn’t think about it...

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"The Divine Comedy" was persecuted in his own country and therefore fled to Verona, where he was received into the palace of the ruler. But the prince preferred his jester to the poet of genius.

One of the courtiers expressed his indignation at this fact to Dante. To which the poet replied:

- It `s naturally. Everyone loves those they are like...

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Michelangelo sculpted the grandfather of the Florentine ruler Cosimo de' Medici as a real handsome man. And he was a hunchback.

- Who will remember this in five hundred years! - the sculptor answered all the curious.

Historical anecdotes about Peter the Great and other Russian tsars

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In winter, slingshots were placed on the Neva to prevent anyone from entering or leaving the city after dark. One day, Emperor Peter I decided to check the guards himself. He drove up to one of the sentries, pretended to be a merchant who had been on a spree and asked to let him through, offering money for the passage. The sentry refused to let him through, although Peter had already reached 10 rubles, a very significant amount at that time. The sentry, seeing such stubbornness, threatened that he would be forced to shoot him.

Peter left and went to another guard. The same one let Peter through for 2 rubles.

The next day, an order was announced for the regiment: to hang the corrupt sentry, and drill the rubles he received and hang them around his neck. Promote a conscientious sentry to corporal and reward him with ten rubles.

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One day, Peter I came to the ironworks and iron foundry of Werner Miller and there he became an apprentice to blacksmith masters. Soon he became good at forging iron and on the last day of his studies he pulled out 18 pounds of iron strips, marking each strip with his personal mark. Having finished the work, the king took off his leather apron and went to the breeder:

- Well, Miller, how much does a blacksmith get from you for a pound of strips drawn out individually?

- Altyn per pood, sir.

“Then pay me 18 altyn,” said the king, explaining why and for what exactly Miller should pay him that kind of money.

Miller opened the desk and took out 18 gold chervonets. Peter did not take the gold, but asked to pay him exactly 18 altyns - 54 kopecks, like other blacksmiths who did the same work.

Having received his earnings, Peter bought himself new shoes and then, showing them to his guests, said:

- These are the shoes that I earned with my own hands.

One of the strips he forged was demonstrated at the Polytechnic Exhibition in Moscow in 1872.

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Peter I doted on Menshikov. However, this did not stop him from often beating His Serene Highness with a stick. Somehow, a fair quarrel occurred between them, in which Menshikov suffered greatly - the tsar broke his nose and put a huge flashlight under his eye. And then he kicked me out with the words:

- Get out, son of a pike, and may I no longer have your leg!

Menshikov did not dare to disobey, disappeared, but a minute later he entered the office again... in his arms!

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Catherine II was a very brave woman. There is plenty of evidence of this. And she once said about herself: “If I were a man, I would have been killed without even reaching the rank of captain.”

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One old admiral was introduced to Catherine II after a naval battle, which he brilliantly won. Catherine asked him to tell about the details of this battle. The admiral began the story, but as he got carried away and became more and more excited, he began to retell his commands and appeals to the sailors, interspersing them with such abuse that everyone who listened to his story became numb with fear, not knowing how Catherine would react to this. And suddenly, from the expressions on the faces of the courtiers, the admiral realized what he had done, and, kneeling before the empress, began to ask her forgiveness.

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Countess Branitskaya noticed that Catherine II was taking snuff with her left hand and asked:

- Why not the right one, Your Majesty?

To which Catherine answered her:

“As a Tsar Baba, I often let you kiss my right hand and find it obscene to choke everyone with tobacco.”

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During the reign of Catherine II, Russian foreign policy was the focus of attention of all European states, because Russia's successes consolidated its position as a great power. Foreign diplomats often wondered who was in the St. Petersburg cabinet, thanks to whose efforts Russia occupies such an honorable place in the world, and how large the number of these dignitaries is. The same Prince de Ligne, who knew well the true state of affairs, perhaps exaggerating the role of the empress in foreign policy affairs, spoke about it like this:

– The St. Petersburg office is not at all as huge as Europe concludes about it; it all fits in Catherine’s head alone.

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A delegation of clergy was once presented before the eyes of Empress Catherine, who presented her with their request:

“The Tsar, Father, Peter the Great, deigned to pour the bells onto the cannons, and when he removed them, he promised to return them soon.” I never returned it. Won't you help in our grief, Mother?

To this, Catherine II became curious whether this request was addressed to Peter I himself?

“Yes,” they answered her. “And we have even kept this petition from those times.”

The Empress wanted to look at it, and when it was handed to her, she saw, among other things, a resolution inscribed on it:

- And... you don’t want mine?

And the signature: "Peter I." After which the Monarch asked for pen and ink and with her royal pen she wrote: “But I, as a woman, cannot even offer this.”

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The basis of Yuri Nikolaevich Tynyanov’s story “Lieutenant Kizhe” is a true fact, artistically reinterpreted by a talented writer. The first person to talk about Lieutenant Kizh—that’s what this fictitious person was actually called—was the father of the famous Russian linguist Vladimir Ivanovich Dahl, who told about it to his son, the author of the famous “Dictionary of the Living Great Russian Language.”

IN AND. Dahl, recording what his father told him, included in “Stories about the Times of Paul I” a story about a certain non-existent officer who was born due to a mistake by one of the clerks. The father told V.I. I admit that one day a certain clerk, writing another order on the promotion of chief officers from junior ranks to senior ranks, wrote the words: “Ensigns and such and such become second lieutenants,” moved “Kizh” to another line, and even began the line with a capital, capital letter. Emperor Pavel, signing the order, mistook “Kizh” for his surname and wrote: “Second Lieutenant Kizh as lieutenant.” It was a rare surname that stuck in Pavel’s mind. The next day, signing another order - on the promotion of lieutenants to captains, the emperor promoted the mythical person to captain, and on the third day - to the first staff officer rank - staff captain. A few days later, Pavel promoted Kizhi to colonel and ordered him to be summoned to him. The senior military authorities were alarmed, assuming that the emperor wanted to promote Kizhi to general, but they could not find such an officer anywhere and finally got to the bottom of the matter - a clerical error. However, fearing the wrath of the emperor, they informed Pavel that Colonel Kizh had died. “It’s a pity,” said Pavel, “he was a good officer.”

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After Suvorov’s Alpine campaign, Pavel decided to knock out a special medal, which would reflect the participation of the Austrians, who only interfered with the common cause. Suvorov, to whom Pavel turned with a request to propose a version of the text, gave the following advice - to make the medal the same for both Russians and Austrians. But in “Russian” you can write “God is with us,” and in “Austrian” you can say “God is with us.”

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A very old English clock hung in the office of Emperor Paul the First. On the dial, their hands indicated the hour, minute, second, year, phase of the moon, month and even an eclipse of the sun. The watch had a distinct movement and was a world rarity. But one day the Emperor was late for the parade, became angry by hours and sent him to the guardhouse. Soon after this, the sovereign was strangled. They forgot to give the order for the return of the watch, and the watch remained in the guardhouse under eternal arrest.

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The all-powerful favorite Alexei Andreevich Arakcheev did not like Ermolov. After the battle of Lutzen, Arakcheev slandered Emperor Alexander that the artillery performed poorly in this battle due to Ermolov’s fault. The emperor summoned Yermolov, who was in command of the artillery at that time, and asked why the artillery was inactive.

“The guns were definitely inactive, Your Majesty,” answered Ermolov, “there were no horses.”

– You would demand horses from the cavalry commander, Count Arakcheev.

- I'm not with How many times, sir, did he approach him, but there was never an answer.

Then the emperor called Arakcheev and asked why the artillery was not provided with horses.

“I beg your pardon, Your Majesty,” answered Arakcheev, “I myself had a shortage of horses.”

Then Ermolov said:

“You see, Your Majesty, the reputation of an honest man sometimes depends on cattle.”

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Nikolai Mikhailovich Karamzin, by order of Alexander I, was appointed official state historiographer. One day Karamzin came with congratulations to one of the nobles, but, not finding the owner of the house, he ordered the footman to write down his name and rank in the visitors' book. The footman wrote down Karamzin, and he was curious whether the entry was made correctly, and saw: “Nikolai Mikhailovich Karamzin, Count of History.”

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Emperor Nicholas I, reviewing the Noble Regiment, noticed on the right flank an unfamiliar cadet a head taller than himself. But it must be said that Nicholas I was a man of enormous stature.

- What is your last name? - asked the king.

“Romanov,” answered the cadet.

-Are you related to me? - the king joked.

- That's right, Your Majesty. You are the father of Russia, and I am her son.

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One day, from the St. Petersburg garrison guardhouse, a denunciation was received in the name of Nicholas I, written by a naval officer detained there. The sailor wrote that there was a guards officer sitting with him, who was sent home for a few hours by a new guard commander who had taken over on guard duty and who turned out to be a friend of the arrested guardsman. Nikolai, having established that the complainant was right, brought both officers - both the arrested one and the guard commander who freed him - to trial, which demoted both of them to privates, and ordered the informer to give one-third of the monthly salary as a reward, but... be sure to write down in his service record, for what exactly he received this royal award.

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Ivan Andreevich Krylov, by order of Emperor Nicholas I, was accepted into the Public Library as a librarian. There, in the building of the Imperial Public Library, there was also an apartment in which Krylov lived. Next to the library stood one of the palaces - Anichkov, which Nikolai often visited.

One day the emperor and the librarian met on Nevsky, and Nicholas cordially said:

- Ah, Ivan Andreevich! How are you doing? It's been a while since we've seen each other.

- It’s been a while, Your Majesty, but it seems like neighbors.

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One day Nikolai was walking through the capital at night - he liked to check posts. An ensign (at that time the lowest officer rank) of one of the engineering units attended the meeting. He saw the king and pulled himself to the front.

“Where are you from?” asks the emperor.

- From the depot, Your Majesty.

- Fool! Is the "depot" inclined?

“Everyone bows before Your Majesty.”

Nikolai loved it when people bowed to him and the ensign woke up as a captain.

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“I have never been able to clearly understand what the difference is between a cannon and a unicorn,” Catherine II said to some general. “There’s a big difference,” he answered, “I’ll report to Your Majesty now. If you please, see: the cannon is on its own, and the unicorn is on its own.” “Ah, now I understand,” said the empress.

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Prince (A.N.) Golitsyn said that once Suvorov was invited to dinner at the palace. Busy with one conversation, he did not touch a single dish. Noticing this, Catherine asks him about the reason.

“He, Mother Empress, is a great faster,” Potemkin answers for Suvorov, “after all, today is Christmas Eve, he won’t eat until the star.”

The Empress called the page and whispered something in his ear; the page leaves and a minute later returns with a small case, and in it was a diamond order star, which the Empress handed to Suvorov, adding that now he could share a meal with her.

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Alexander Pavlovich Bashutsky spoke about an incident that happened to him. Due to his rank as a chamberlain, in the days of his youth he was often on duty in the Winter Palace. One day he was with his comrades in the huge St. George Hall. The youth dispersed and began jumping and fooling around. Bashutsky forgot himself to the point that he ran into the velvet pulpit under the canopy and sat on the imperial throne, on which he began to grimace and give orders. Suddenly he felt that someone was taking him by the ear and leading him down the steps of the throne. Bashutsky measurement. He was escorted out by the sovereign himself, who looked silently and menacingly. But it must be that the young man’s disfigured face with fear disarmed him. When everything was in proper order, the emperor smiled and said: “Believe me! It’s not as fun sitting here as you think.”

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In 1811, a large stone theater burned down in St. Petersburg. The fire was so strong that in a few hours its huge building was completely destroyed. Naryshkin, who was at the fire, said to the alarmed sovereign:

- There is nothing more: no boxes, no paradise, no stage - all one stall.

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When the Prince of Prussia was visiting St. Petersburg, it rained continuously. The Emperor expressed regret. “At least the prince will not say that Your Majesty received him coldly,” Naryshkin noted.

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During the Crimean War, the sovereign, outraged by the theft that was discovered everywhere, in a conversation with the heir, expressed himself as follows:

“It seems to me that in all of Russia you and I are the only ones who don’t steal.”

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One officer secretly took away a young girl and married her against the will of her parents. The parents complained to the regimental authorities and the matter reached the emperor. Nikolai, having studied the case, issued the following decree: “The officer should be demoted, the marriage annulled, the daughter returned to her parents, considered a virgin.”

It is known that Nicholas I had no jokes, and everything he said was carried out exactly.

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One day, Emperor Paul, standing at the window, saw a man walking past the Winter Palace, and remarked out loud, without any intent: “Here, he’s walking past the royal palace and doesn’t take off his hat.” As soon as they learned about this remark of the sovereign, an order followed: everyone traveling and walking past the palace should take off their hats. The police strictly monitored this. The coachmen, driving through the square, had to take their hats between their teeth.

Having moved to Mikhailovsky Castle. Paul noticed that everyone walking past the palace took off their hats, and asked about the reason for this. “According to Your Majesty’s highest order,” they answered him. “However, I never ordered this,” Pavel was surprised, and ordered the new custom to be abolished. This turned out to be even more difficult than introducing it. The police stood on the corners of the streets leading to the Mikhailovsky Castle , and convincingly asked passing gentlemen not to take off their hats, and the common people were beaten for this.

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One day the sovereign decided some matter unfairly and asked the opinion of his jester Balakirev about it; he gave a sharp and rude answer, for which Peter ordered him to be put in the guardhouse. Having learned later that Balakirev had answered fairly, albeit rudely, he ordered his immediate release. A few days later, the sovereign turned to Balakirev again and asked him about another matter. Balakirev sighed and said:

- Order to send me to the guardhouse!

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There were two large "unfinished construction" projects during the reign of Nicholas I: St. Isaac's Cathedral and the St. Petersburg-Moscow railway. There was also a “quick-build” bridge across the Neva, but there were rumors around the city that the rush and numerous “savings” in construction would lead to the fact that this bridge would not last long.

Prince Menshikov said the following on this occasion: “We will not see the completed cathedral, but our children will see it; we will see the bridge across the Neva, but our children will not see it; and neither we nor our children will see the railway.”

When this road was finally completed, it turned out that no one knew how to properly operate it. It was decided to rent it out. American businessmen did their best (they gave it to the right people) and developed a business that was very profitable for them, which could not be said about the Russians. It was then that a Persian delegation arrived in St. Petersburg to get acquainted with Russian sights. The Persians were shown educational institutions, the army, the navy, and finally the railway.

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And one more story connected with the same Nicholas I. In Paris they decided to stage a play from the life of Catherine II, where the Russian empress was presented in a somewhat frivolous light. Having learned about this, Nicholas I, through our ambassador, expressed his displeasure to the French government. To which the answer followed in the spirit that, they say, in France there is freedom of speech and no one is going to cancel the performance. To this, Nicholas I asked to convey that in this case he would send 300 thousand spectators in gray overcoats to the premiere. As soon as the royal response reached the capital of France, the scandalous performance was canceled there without unnecessary delay.

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Nikolai's educational level was below average. In particular, he had vague (sometimes simply anecdotal) ideas about the countries of the world. Thus, authorizing a scientific trip to the United States of America for a professor at the St. Petersburg Academy of Sciences, he demanded that the scientific subject sign a receipt stating that he would not take human flesh into his mouth overseas.

It is noteworthy that the professor was not heading to the “Wild West,” but to the university cities of “New England.”

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A squadron was stationed at the roadstead in Kronstadt. By chance, next to the cruiser "Rurik" there was a military steamer "Izhora". The wife of Alexander III, Maria Feodorovna, while brightening the court, mixed the Russian “R” with the French “P”, and loudly read in her broken language:

- “Pyupik!”

“Please don’t read the next title out loud,” Alexander III hastily said...

Historical jokes about Russian subjects

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There is a well-known story about the meeting in 1802 in one of the Munich hotels between Prince Shakhovsky and Goethe. The poet invited the prince to tea. He, not seeing anything on the table except tea, without ceremony, ordered sandwiches and something rich. The evening passed very pleasantly, with conversations about German and Russian literature. To Shakhovsky's surprise, the next day he received a bill for everything he had eaten, which Goethe refused to pay, since he had only invited the prince to tea.

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One day, Baron Anton Antonovich Delvig, a friend of Pushkin and the first publisher of the Literary Gazette, was summoned by the head of the 3rd department of His Majesty's Own Chancellery, Count Alexander Khristoforovich Benkendorf. Without mincing words, he began to reprimand Delviga for publishing a liberal article in the newspaper. Delvig, with his characteristic equanimity, calmly replied that this article had been passed by the censors, and therefore, on the basis of the law, the censor, and not the publisher, should answer. At this reasonable remark, Benckendorff became furious and expressed an idea that has been unforgettable for centuries:

“Our laws are written for subordinates, and not for superiors, and you have no right to justify yourself by them or refer to them in your explanations with me.”

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For his brilliant victories over the French in Italy, the Sardinian King Charles Emmanuel granted Suvorov the highest awards: he made him Grand Marshal of Piedmont, “Grand of the Kingdom” and “King’s Cousin.” The city of Turin sent Suvorov a sword decorated with precious stones. Even Suvorov's valet was honored to receive a distinction. One morning, Alexander Vasilyevich was doing various office things when Proshka came in to see him. He handed the master a package sealed with the large seal of the Sardinian king. On the package was written: “To Mr. Proshka, valet of His Excellency Count Suvorov.”

- What are you giving me? This is for you!

- Look, father master...

Suvorov opened the package, it contained two medals on green ribbons. The medals were embossed: “FOR SAVING SUVOROV.”

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– Are there stupid people in Russia? - one Englishman asked the secretary of the Russian envoy in Naples, Alexander Bulgakov.

“Probably, there are, and I believe that there are no less of them than in England,” answered Bulgakov.

– Why did you ask about this?

“I wanted to know,” explained the Englishman, “why your government, having so many of its own fools, also hires foreigners for the civil service.”

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Count Alexander Ivanovich Sollogub once walked in the Summer Garden with his niece, a girl of extraordinary beauty. Suddenly he met an acquaintance, a very self-confident and stupid man:

- Please tell me, you have never been handsome, but your daughter is beautiful!

“It happens,” Sollogub answered immediately. - Try getting married, and you might have very smart children.

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At the Lyceum during the time of Pushkin, a certain Trico served as a tutor, who bothered the lyceum students with endless nagging and remarks. One day, Pushkin and his friend Wilhelm Kuchelbecker asked Tricot for permission to go to St. Petersburg, which was located not far from Tsarskoe Selo. Trico, however, did not allow them to do this. Then the rather adult rascals still went out onto the road leading to St. Petersburg, and, stopping two carriages, drove off, one in each of them.

Soon Trico noticed that Pushkin and Kuchelbecker were not at the Lyceum, he realized that his friends had disobeyed him and left for St. Petersburg. Trico went out onto the road, stopped another carriage and drove in pursuit. And at that time there were police checkpoints at the entrance to the city and everyone traveling to the capital was stopped and asked who they were and why they were going.

When Pushkin, who was riding first, was asked what his name was, he answered: “Alexander Odinako.” A few minutes later Kuchelbecker arrived and answered the same question: “My name is Vasily Dvako.” A few minutes later the tutor arrived and said that his last name was Trico. The police decided that either they were being played and made fun of, or that a group of some kind of scammers was traveling to the city. They regretted that Odinako and Dvako had already passed, and did not catch up with them, but Triko was arrested and detained for a day until their identity was clarified.

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When Avraham Sergeevich Norov, who had lost a leg during one of the wars, and was also very narrow-minded and poorly educated, was appointed Minister of Public Education, he asked to appoint the equally poorly educated and not very smart Prince P. A. Shirinsky-Shikhmatov as his comrade. (1790-1853). A.S. Menshikov, having learned about such a duet, assessed it as follows:

- In our country, public education has always dragged along like a nag, but still this nag was four-legged, and now it has become three-legged, and even with a bad temper.

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Shortly before his death, doctors suggested that Krylov adhere to a strict diet. A big fan of food, Krylov suffered unspeakably from this. Once, while visiting, he greedily looked at various dishes inaccessible to him. One of the young dandies noticed this and exclaimed:

- Gentlemen! Look how Ivan Andreevich got excited! With his eyes, it seems like he would like to eat everyone!

(The last phrase belonged to Krylov himself and was written by him in the popularly known fable “The Wolf in the Kennel.”

Krylov, hearing the taunt directed at him, answered lazily:

– Don’t worry about yourself, pork is forbidden to me.

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In 1829, one newly graduated lyceum student, who had not yet taken off his lyceum uniform, met Pushkin on Nevsky. Pushkin approached him and asked:

– You have just been released from the Lyceum, right? “Just released on assignment to the guards regiment,” the young man answered proudly. – Let me ask you, where do you serve now?

“I am registered in Russia,” answered Pushkin.

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One day Pushkin invited several of his friends and acquaintances to Dominic’s expensive restaurant. During lunch, Count Zavadovsky, a famous St. Petersburg rich man, came there. - However, Alexander Sergeevich, it’s clear that your wallet is tightly stuffed!

- But I’m richer than you, you sometimes have to live and wait for money from the villages, but I have a constant income - with 36 letters of the Russian alphabet.

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General Mikhail Dmitrievich Skobelev was once saddened by the death of a person close to him and, dissatisfied that the doctor did not save him from death, turned to him with irritation and annoyance:

- Venerable Aesculapius, how many people have you sent to the next world?

“Ten thousand less than yours,” answered the doctor.

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One day Turgenev was late for a dinner party in one of the houses and, finding all the places at the table already occupied, he sat down at a small table. At this time, another late guest entered - the general. He took the soup from the servant and walked up to Turgenev, expecting him to get up and give him his place. However, Turgenev did not get up.

- Your Majesty! - said the general irritably, - do you know what the difference is between cattle and humans?

“I know,” Turgenev answered loudly. – The difference is that a person eats while sitting, and cattle eats while standing.

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Sumarokov greatly respected Barkov as a scientist and a sharp critic, and always demanded his opinion regarding his writings. Barkov once came to Sumarokov.

– Sumarokov is a great man! Sumarokov is the first Russian poet! - he told him.

The delighted Sumarokov ordered to immediately serve him vodka, and that’s all Barkov wanted. He got drunk and drunk. As he left, he said to him:

- Alexander Petrovich, I lied to you: the first Russian poet is me, the second is Lomonosov, and you are just the third.

Sumarokov almost stabbed him to death.

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Admiral Chichagov, after his unsuccessful actions at Berezina in 1812, fell out of favor and, having received a significant pension, settled abroad. He disliked Russia and constantly spoke harshly and condescendingly about it. P.I. Poletika, having met him in Paris and listened to his condemnation of everything that was being done here, finally told him with his caustic frankness:

– Admit it, however, that there is one thing in Russia that is just as good as in other countries.

- What, for example?

– Yes, at least the money that you receive from Russia in the form of a pension.

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The Georgian prince, distinguished by his narrow-mindedness, was appointed to be present in the governing Senate.

One person known to the prince turned to him with a request to help him in his case, scheduled for hearing in the Senate. The prince gave his word. Afterwards, however, it turned out that the petitioner was refused, and the prince, together with other senators, signed the determination. The petitioner comes to him.

“Your Grace,” he says, “you promised to support me in my business.”

- I promised, brother.

- How, your lordship, did you sign the decree against me?

- I didn’t read it, brother, I didn’t read it.

- How, your lordship, do you sign without reading?

“I tried it, brother, but it turns out worse.”

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They said that Platov took from London, where he traveled in 1814 in Alexander's retinue, a young Englishwoman as a companion. Someone, I remember Denis Davydov, expressed surprise to him that, not knowing English, he made such a choice. “I’ll tell you, brother,” he answered, “this is not at all for physics, but more for morality. She is the kindest soul and a well-behaved girl; and besides, she is so white and portly that you can’t beat a Yaroslavl woman.”

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Count Khvostov loved to send whatever he published to all his acquaintances, especially to famous people. Karamzin and Dmitriev always received his new poems as gifts. It was difficult, as usual, to give praise. But Karamzin did not hesitate. One day he wrote to the count, ironically of course: “Write! Write! Teach our authors how to write!” Dmitriev reproached him, saying that Khvorostov would show this letter to everyone and brag about it; that it will be accepted by some as pure truth, by others as flattery; that both are bad.

- How do you write? - asked Karamzin.

– I write very simply. He will send me an ode or a fable; I answer him: “Your ode, or fable, is in no way inferior to your older sisters!” He is pleased, but yet it’s true.

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Returning to Russia from a trip abroad, Tyutchev writes to his wife from Warsaw: “It was not without sadness that I parted with this rotten West, so clean and full of amenities, in order to return to this promising future mud of my dear homeland.”

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Once in St. Petersburg, Count Khvostov tormented his nephew F.F. Kokoshkin (a famous writer) for a long time at his home by reading aloud to him countless numbers of his verses. Finally Kokoshkin could not stand it and said to him:

- Sorry, uncle, I gave my word to have lunch, I have to go! I'm afraid I'll be late; and I'm on foot!

- Why haven’t you told me for a long time, my dear! - answered Count Khvostov. “I always have a carriage ready, I’ll give you a ride!”

But as soon as they got into the carriage, Count Khvostov looked out the window and shouted to the coachman: “Go ahead!”, and he raised the window of the carriage, took out a notebook from his pocket and began again to choke the unfortunate locked Kokoshkin with reading

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When building a permanent bridge across the Neva, several thousand people were busy driving piles, which, not to mention the costs, extremely slowed down the progress of work. The skillful builder of General Kerbetz racked his brains and came up with a machine that greatly facilitated and accelerated this truly Egyptian work. Having completed the experiments, he presented a description of the machine to the Chief Manager of Communications and expected at least a thank you. Count Kleinmichel was quick to console the inventor and posterity. Kerbets received an official and severe reprimand on paper: why didn’t he invent this machine before and thus introduced the treasury into huge and unnecessary expenses.

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Rumors finally reached St. Petersburg about what was happening in the Penza province, and an audit was appointed there in the person of Senator Safonov. Safonov arrived there unexpectedly in the evening and, when it got dark, he left the hotel, got into a cab and ordered himself to be taken to the embankment.

- Which embankment? - asked the cab driver.

- Like what! - answered Safonov. “Do you have a lot of them?” After all, there is only one.

- Yes, there is none! - the cab driver exclaimed.

It turned out that on paper the embankment had been under construction for two years already and that several tens of thousands of rubles had been spent on it, but it had never even begun.

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One day Pushkin was sitting in the count's office... and reading some book. The count himself... was lying opposite, on the sofa, and his two children were playing on the floor, near the desk.

“Sasha, say something impromptu,” the count turned to Pushkin.

Pushkin, without thinking at all, answered quickly:

- The crazy kid is lying on the sofa.

The Count was offended.

“You are forgetting yourself, Alexander Sergeevich,” he said sternly.

- But you, Count, it seems, did not understand me...

I said:

- The children are on the floor, the smart one is lying on the sofa.

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“Go to the mirror and stick out your tongue,” Suvorov ordered.

When the surprised officer did this, Suvorov said:

- So he is your main enemy!

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Once Metropolitan of Moscow Philaret (Drozdov) was asked whether it was possible to sit in church during the service.

“It’s better to think about God while sitting than to think about your feet while standing,” answered Filaret.

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When attending meetings in the Winter Palace, Suvorov did not skimp on ridicule and various antics.

“Once in St. Petersburg at a ball,” he himself later said, “at 8 o’clock in the evening the Empress deigned to ask me:

– How should we treat such a dear guest?

- Bless me, queen, with vodka! - I answered.

– Fi done! (Fu. (French) - ed.) What will the beautiful ladies-in-waiting who will talk to you say?

“They, mother, will feel that the soldier is speaking to them.”

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One day, the famous Russian opera singer Osip Afanasyevich Petrov (1807-1878) received a cut from a theater barber while shaving. Knowing about the latter’s passion for the green serpent, he muttered displeasedly:

- It's all from drunkenness!

The hairdresser calmly agreed:

- Absolutely right, sir, vodka is known to make the skin rough...

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When the actor Pyotr Andreevich Karatygin (1805-1879) returned from Moscow, he was asked:

“Well, Pyotr Andreevich, Moscow?”

Karatygin replied with disgust:

“Dirt, brother, dirt! That is, not only on the streets, but everywhere, everywhere - terrible dirt. And what good can you expect when Luzhin is the chief police chief.”

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As you know, A.S. Pushkin was short, but he was very fond of tall women. At the ball, he approached Princess Gorchakova and invited her to dance. The princess was a head taller than him and therefore, looking down at the poet, ironically remarked:

“Sir, I’m sorry, but I’m embarrassed to dance with a child.”

To which Alexander Sergeevich, bowing gallantly, replied:

- Forgive me, madam, but I didn’t know that you were in a position...

Historical jokes about foreigners

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It is known that George Bernard Shaw was a vegetarian. One day, at a dinner in London, on a plate in front of him was a mixture that had been prepared especially for him. It consisted of various greens and was dressed with salad oil. Sir James Barry, who was sitting next to Shaw, leaned towards him and inquired in a confidential tone:

– Tell me, Shaw, have you already eaten this or are you just going to eat it?

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Someone named Rondan wrote "A Play Without an A" in 1816. It was staged at the Variety Theater. The hall was full of spectators who wanted to see such a trick. The curtain rises. Duval enters on one side and Mengozzi on the other. He says the following phrase: “Ah! Monsieur, glad to see you!” Loud laughter is heard: a strange beginning for a play in which there is no letter A. Fortunately, Mengozzi comes to his senses and repeats after the prompter: “Oh! Monsieur, I’m very glad that you are here!”

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Many recommended that Mably apply to the Academy for admission. “If I were there,” answered Mably, “people would probably ask: Why is he there? I prefer that they ask: Why is he not there?”

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The famous Hellenist Gel, compiling a bibliography of Anacreon's publications for his book about this poet, adopted the abbreviation e. bro. (exemplaire broch é: bound copy) for the name of the city and indicated that this publication was published in the city of Ebro.

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One day, on Good Friday, Debarro ate an omelette fried in lard. Suddenly he heard thunder. Opening the window, he threw out the plate with the words: “So much fuss about an omelette!”

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When Bach was asked how he managed to advance so far in his art, he usually answered: “Apparently, I was very diligent. Whoever is just as diligent will also be able to advance just as far.”

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The German philosopher Immanuel Kant informed his audience that he was going to give a series of lectures on his theory of the emergence of the solar system from a cloud of cold dust particles (nebular hypothesis). The dean asked him how long it would take. Kant replied: “In a month I will begin by creating the world and hope to finish by the end of the week.”

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The famous Gustav Mahler, conductor of the Berlin Symphony Orchestra, was the target of constant attacks by the anti-Semitic press, which made fun of his Jewish physiognomy. His nose really was of outstanding size; with such a snob in those days one could live anywhere, but not in Germany. Having lost patience and unable to defend himself from bullying, Mahler moved to Austria, where he had long been invited to the post of conductor of the Vienna Symphony Orchestra. After the departure of the great conductor, the quality of performance of the Berlin Orchestra decreased noticeably. Music lovers sounded the alarm and created a special committee whose task was to return the maestro to Berlin. In their letter, the committee members informed the great conductor that “the situation has improved somewhat in recent months, and the problem that worries the maestro has significantly decreased.” Mahler did not hesitate to answer: “The situation may have changed, but my physiognomy has remained the same. And even if the problem has really decreased, I assure you that the same cannot be said about my nose!”

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Lincoln was once reproached for defending a point of view opposite to the one he defended yesterday:

“You can’t change your point of view so quickly!”

Lincoln responded:

- Why? I have a low opinion of people who cannot become smarter today than they were yesterday!

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One of the American generals wrote a very impolite letter to President Abraham Lincoln. “Obviously, you think I’m a fool,” he ended his message. “No, I don’t think so,” Lincoln replied, “but I could be wrong.”

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During Lincoln's presidency, a debate arose in American high society on the topic of the "true gentleman"; and in particular, “Can a true gentleman shine his own shoes?” They asked the president himself. “Who do you think a true gentleman can shine shoes for?” Lincoln asked in response.

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His name was Fleming, and he was a poor Scottish farmer. One day, while poking around in his wretched field so that his family would not die of hunger, he heard a cry coming from the swamp. The farmer quickly abandoned this boring task and ran to see who was screaming like that. And the boy was screaming as he was drowning in the mud. Of course, the farmer saved the poor guy. And the next day, a luxurious carriage drove up to his shack, and from there an aristocrat, fashionably dressed for those years, came out into the dirty courtyard and introduced himself as the father of the rescued boy.

“I want to repay you for saving my son’s life!” – this nobleman declares pathetically.

Of course, the poor but proud Scot rejects the payment no less pathetically. At this moment, the curious nose of the Scot’s son pokes out of the hut.

- Is your son? - asks the aristocrat.

“Yes,” answers the proud, thin farmer.

So the solution has been found! Rubbing his hands, the cunning Englishman offers to give the farmer's son an education no worse than his own. We decided on this. The farmer's son attended the best medical school of his time in London, and is now known to us as Sir Alexander Fleming, who invented penicillin. Do you think that's all? No, it's not over yet. The son of an aristocrat, so successfully pulled out of the swamp, years later fell ill with pneumonia. Guess what saved his life... Well, yes, penicillin. Want to know the name of an aristocrat? Lord Randolph Churchill, respectively, his son – Sir Winston Churchill.

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One day, the 30th President of the United States, Calvin Coolidge, and his wife Grace were inspecting a poultry farm. The First Lady asked the attendant: how do the owners manage to get such a number of fertilized eggs with such a small number of roosters?

“Ma’am,” replied the farmer, proud of his production indicators, “each of our roosters performs their marital duty a dozen times a day.”

“Perhaps you should tell the President about this,” said the First Lady.

The President listened to the message and asked:

Does the rooster do his duty with the same hen every time?

“Oh no, sir,” replied the farmer. - The rooster has the entire chicken coop at his disposal.

“Tell Mrs. Coolidge about this,” the President said firmly.

From the book “Anecdotes about Emperor Peter the Great, heard from various noble persons and collected by the late State Councilor Yakov Shtelin” (Moscow, 1788).

Yakov Shtelin. Engraving by Johann Stenglin after the original by Georg Friedrich Schmidt. 1764 Pushkin Museum im. A. S. Pushkina

The German Jacob Staehlin (1709-1785) came to Russia at the invitation of the President of the St. Petersburg Academy of Sciences Johann Albrecht von Korff as an inventor Inventor- inventor. illuminations and fireworks. He translated Italian interludes into German, the texts of which were distributed to the courtiers before the start of performances, and composed solemn odes on the occasion of various celebrations. In 1742, he staged Pietro Antonio Domenico Metastasio’s opera “Tito’s Mercy” with his own prologue “Russia, again rejoiced through sorrow” - in honor of the coronation of Elizabeth Petrovna, and in 1762 he supervised the production of allegorical and theatrical actions at the celebration coronation of Catherine II. From 1742 he was the tutor of Grand Duke Peter Fedorovich, the future Peter III. He wrote articles on history, geography and ethnography, as well as on the history of Russian art and the musical and theatrical life of St. Petersburg. In 1765-1769 he was the conference secretary of the Academy of Sciences and conducted its foreign correspondence. In 1757 he became director of the Academy of Arts at the Academy of Sciences.

Engraving made from a drawing by Francesco Gradizzi, who depicted a fireworks display composed by Yakov Shtelin. 1763
Attached to the brochure “Description of the allegorical fireworks presented for the solemn remembrance of the day on which Her Imperial Majesty Catherine, the second Autocrat of All Russia, deigned to accept the throne in St. Petersburg in front of the imperial summer house on the Neva River for the well-being of the entire state. June 28th day, 1763." Russian State Library

“Not knowing the Russian language perfectly, Shtelin for many years recorded eyewitness accounts of the actions, behavior, and statements of Peter I, which formed the most complete and authoritative collection of its kind - “Genuine anecdotes about Peter the Great.” By his own admission, he called his interlocutors (among whom the main one was first Prince I. Yu. Trubetskoy, and in Catherine’s time - A. P. Bestuzhev) to talk about Peter I, and then, “arriving home at night or the next morning “, wrote down what he heard. Shtelin distributed his notes in manuscript. Back in 1755, I. I. Shuvalov asked Shtelin to translate the “anecdotes” he had collected by that time into French in order to send it to Voltaire for work on his “History of Peter the Great” (this was not carried out), and N. I. Panin admitted that he had never read any book with such interest. “Originalanekdoten von Peter dem Großen...”, first published in Leipzig in 1785, was immediately translated into Russian by K. Rembovsky and published in 1786 with significant deductions for censorship reasons... The reliability of Stehlin’s “anecdotes” was questioned by researchers, however, the inaccuracies found in them most likely repeat the inaccuracies of the narrators themselves.”

N. Yu. Alekseeva. Article about Yakov Shtelin from the Dictionary of Russian Writers of the 18th Century

On the extermination of theft

Peter the Great, who was once in the Senate and heard about some thefts that happened in a short time, became very angry and cried out in anger: “I swear to God that I will stop this damned theft!” Then, turning to the then Prosecutor General Pavel Ivanovich Yaguzhinsky, he said to him: “Pavel Ivanovich, immediately write on my behalf a decree throughout the state with the following content: that every thief who steals as much as the rope is worth must be hanged without delay.” . The Prosecutor General had already taken up his pen, but after listening to this strict order, he said to the sovereign: “Peter Alekseevich, think about the consequences of such a decree.” “Write,” the sovereign answered, “what I ordered you.” But Yaguzhinsky had not yet begun to write and said laughing: “However, all-merciful sir, do you really want to remain emperor alone, without subjects? We all steal, only one steals more and the other less.” The Emperor, having listened to his thoughts, laughed at this comic idea and left his order without confirmation.

(This is known from Count Pavel Ivanovich Yaguzhinsky himself.)

About cockroaches

Peter the Great had nothing more disgusting than cockroaches. This, however, not very squeamish sovereign, having seen this vermin somewhere in the rooms, went to another room, and sometimes completely left the house. His Majesty, on frequent trips around his state, when changing horses, did not enter any house without first sending one of his servants to inspect the rooms and making sure that there were no cockroaches there. Once upon a time, an officer treated him to a wooden house in a village near Moscow. The Emperor was very pleased with his good management and household management. Having already sat down at the table and begun to eat, he asked the owner if there were cockroaches in his house. “Very few,” answered the careless owner, “and in order to get rid of them completely, I chained one live cockroach here to the wall.” At the same time, he pointed to the wall where a cockroach, which was still alive and tossing and turning, was nailed to a nail. The sovereign, having so accidentally seen this reptile he hated, was so frightened that he jumped up from the table, gave the owner a cruel slap in the face and immediately left him with his retinue.

(This is known from the royal life surgeon Jan Gofi.)

About severity towards murderers

Peter I, at the age of 25 from birth, was very dangerously ill with fever. When there was no longer the slightest hope that he would recover, and general sadness reigned at court, and prayers were held in churches day and night, they reported to him that the judge of criminal cases, according to ancient custom, had come to ask if he would order the release of nine sentenced to death. the death of robbers and murderers, so that they would pray to God for the royal recovery. The Emperor, having heard about this, immediately ordered a judge to be sent to him and ordered him to read the names of those sentenced to death and what their crimes were. Then His Majesty said to the judge in a broken voice: “Do you really think that by forgiving such villains and not observing justice, I will do a good deed and bow to Heaven to prolong my life? Or that God will hear the prayer of such wicked thieves and murderers? Go and immediately order that the sentence on all nine villains be carried out. I still hope that God will have mercy on me for this just act, prolong my life and give me health.

The next day the sentence was carried out. After that, the king felt better day by day, and in a short time he completely recovered.

(This is known from Pyotr Miller, a Moscow breeder, who was at the royal court that very day.)

Peter I on horseback. Print by Peter Pickart. 1721 Pushkin Museum im. A. S. Pushkina

Fables

From the book of Ivan Ivanovich Khemnitser “Fables and Tales” (St. Petersburg, 1782)

Ivan Khemnitser. Engraving made around 1860 from a portrait of 1784 Wikimedia Foundation

Ivan Khemnitser (1745-1784) was born in Russia, in the family of a Saxon staff physician. He served in the army, then in the mining department; in 1782 he received the post of consul general in Smyrna. He was famous primarily for his fables, which were republished many times, and for a long time was not inferior in popularity to Krylov. Fables and Tales of N... N..., a collection first published in 1779, contains 33 texts (including two written by Nikolai Lvov, a friend of Chemnitzer) and is dedicated to Lvov’s wife, Maria Dyakova. In 1782, the second edition of Fables and Fairy Tales was published, already in two books, to which 35 more fables were added.

“On behalf of Dyakova, Khemnitser’s collection was greeted by Lvov with an “Epigram to the writer of fables and fairy tales on November 26th”... In 1780, in the St. Petersburg Bulletin... an anonymous laudatory review of Khemnitser’s fables, equated in literary merit to Sumarokov’s parables, was published.”

K. Yu. Lappo-Danilevsky. Article about Ivan Khemnitser from the Dictionary of Russian Writers of the 18th Century

Father and his son

Father having a son
Who was already a kid,
“Well, son,” he tells him, “it’s time
For your good
You should get married.
Besides, child, we have only one son, you
And in the whole family you are the only one left.
When you don’t marry, our whole race will end,
So for this you should get married.
I've talked to you about this more than once
Both directly and sideways,
And you always answer me with something else and another;
Tell me, please, what is it?
I’m really tired of talking about it already.”
“Oh, father! I myself have been thinking for a long time,
That it's time for me to get married,
Yes, here’s why I still can’t decide:
I'm looking, but I still can't find an example,
May husband and wife live in harmony."

Convoy

Once upon a time there was a convoy;
And in that wagon train there was such a terrible cart,
That before others he seemed like carts,
What elephants look like before mosquitoes:
Not a cart or a cart, the cart is falling down.
But what is this gentleman's wagon filled with?
Bubbles.

Curious news, entertaining stories and anecdotes

From the “Historical Journal, or Collection of Curious News, Amusement Stories and Anecdotes from Various Books,” printed by Dmitry Vasilyevich Korniliev (Tobolsk, 1790)

The compiler and publisher of the “Historical Journal, or Collection of Amusement Stories and Anecdotes” was Dmitry Korniliev, a Tobolsk merchant, grandfather of Dmitry Mendeleev and owner of the first private printing house in Siberia (it was founded by his father). Bibliographer Vasily Sopikov in “The Experience of Russian Bibliography” reports that two issues of the “Journal” have been published. However, only its first part has survived. Based on the title, researchers assume that the Journal was planned as a periodical. It consisted mostly of texts rewritten by the compiler from various sources.

“A Siberian himself, Korniliev addressed the “Journal” primarily, apparently, to his fellow countrymen, seeing his task as expanding their knowledge about their native land and awakening a keen interest in it. Approximately half of the first issue is occupied by small notes devoted to the history, geography, ethnography of Siberia (“About Siberia”, “About the quality of Siberia”, “About the Buryats and Teleuts”, “About the difference in land in Siberia, on this side and on the other side of the Yenisei River, and description of the Barabinsk steppe,” etc.). These extracts from I. E. Fisher’s book “Siberian history from the very discovery of Siberia to the conquest of this land by Russian weapons” (1774) were the first local history articles in the Siberian press.<…>In addition to Siberia, Korniliev’s attention was attracted by the neighboring lands and countries...<…>
<…>Each local history note is followed by a short “entertainment” story, mostly of a moralizing nature... The sources of these reprints were I. P. Lange’s book “The Laughing Democritus, or the Field of Honest Amusements with the Desecration of Melancholy” (translated from Latin, 1769) and the magazines “Idle time" (1759, part 2), "Collected best works" (1762, part 3), "Children's reading" (1786, parts 6-7)."

V. D. Cancer. Article about Dmitry Korniliev from the Dictionary of Russian Writers of the 18th Century

About brotherly love

In 1579, near the Cape of Good Hope, a Spanish ship began to sink. With him there was only one boat that could accommodate fifty people. Jumping into it immediately, the chief ordered the rest to cast lots. All those on that ship were about five hundred people. Among those who were chosen by lot to board that boat, there was one young and single man who had his own elder brother, who already had several children, who was on the same leaving ship. This fellow, having given his lot to his brother, asked him to get into the boat. After hesitating for a long time, he was finally forced to listen to his brother. Meanwhile, in full view of everyone, that ship sank to the bottom, and in such danger, everyone grabbed onto whatever they could. And here is the amazing Providence of God: that young man grabbed the barrel and, sitting on it, of course, under the protection of God’s hand, before anyone else, he safely sailed to the refuge.

About longevity

When one cardinal asked an Italian, one hundred and fifty years old and still amazingly healthy and vigorous, by what means he continued his life for so many years, he answered:

Eating good food
Wearing light shoes,
Covering your head with care
And running away from all worries.

Anecdote No. 6

A young Spaniard quarreled with one also young Moor and killed him. He managed to get rid of the chase that was sent for him by jumping over the wall into the garden. The master of the garden, an African of noble fortune, was there at the time. The Spaniard threw himself at his feet, revealed his adventure to him and asked him to hide it. “Eat this,” said the Moor, giving him half a plum, “and rely on me.” Then he locked him in the gazebo and promised to take him to a safe place at night, and he went home. As soon as he entered his room, they brought the body of his own son to him and said that he had been killed by a young Spaniard. When the first movements of fear and grief subsided, the unfortunate father realized that the murderer was in his power. However, without telling anyone about it, he went into the garden as soon as night fell.

"Young man! - he said to the Spaniard. -You killed my son. His body now lies in my house. In fairness, you should be punished. But you ate with me and I gave you a word that I don’t want to break.” Then he led the astonished murderer to his stable, gave him a horse and said: “Run for your life without wasting time. Now it’s night, and no one will see you, but tomorrow you will be safe. You shed the blood of my son - this is true, but God is just and good. I commend you to His will and rejoice that I am innocent of your blood and that I have kept my word.”

Anecdote No. 24

Joseph II, the Roman emperor, was once walking in the evening as usual, and saw a girl bursting into tears. I asked her what she was crying about, and found out that she was the daughter of a captain who had been killed in the war, and that she was left without food with her mother, who, moreover, had been sick for a long time.

- Why don’t you ask the emperor for help? - he asked.

The girl replied that she did not have a patron who would inform the sovereign about their poverty.

“I serve at court,” said the monarch, “and I can do this for you.” Just come to the palace tomorrow and ask Lieutenant B** there.

At the appointed time, the poor girl came to the palace. As soon as she pronounced the name B**, they took her to a room where she saw the officer who spoke to her yesterday and recognized him as her sovereign. She was beside herself with surprise and fear. But the emperor, taking her hand, said to her very affectionately: “Here are three hundred ducats for your mother and another five hundred for your tenderness towards her and for your trust in me. In addition, I will give you an annual pension of five hundred thalers.”

Alexander the Great once captured a pirate. “Tell me, who gave you the right to rule the sea?” - asked Alexander. Not afraid, which saved his life, the pirate replied: “The one who gave you the right to rule the earth. But for what I do at sea on my poor little boat, they call me a pirate, and you do it with a huge army - they call you a hero.”

Emperor Nero is known for many quirks. One day, a mad tyrant became inflamed with hatred of gold and precious stones, since these objects aroused greed and became a cause for strife. Nero threw jewelry into latrines, smashed it with a hammer, and buried it in the ground. In Rome it was said that if the emperor, overwhelmed by fierce hatred, was not stopped, then in a year Roman citizens would wear jewelry made of rusty iron. This was reported to Nero, but he only laughed in response and declared that his subjects were only worthy of iron. Slaves and cattle will soon begin to wear gold. This is how horse shoes, chains for dogs and shackles for criminals made of pure gold appeared.

A few months before the overthrow of the emperor, a certain prophet appeared in Rome, who secretly informed the residents of the Eternal City that one of the tyrant’s eyes had become yellow and even sparkled in the dark. “And a person with such an eye will not live long. This gold takes revenge on its offender.”

Historians unanimously call Hugo Capet, King of France (938996), the person who introduced the concept of “devil’s advocate” (advocatus diaboli). While engaged in reform of the judicial and legal system, Hugo encountered a certain legal incident. As soon as the criminal declared at the trial that evil spirits were to blame for all his actions, or, more simply put, to say “the demon led him astray,” he was immediately released. Medieval judges reasoned as follows. Once a person has been possessed by the devil, then the former cannot in any way be responsible for his actions and it is not for us, the laity, to pass judgment. Hugo Capet, through the Archbishop of Reims Adalberon, turned to the pope and received his holy consent to include a priest in the court. Now, when the defendant said “the demon has confused him,” a church minister was included in the process. He asked the criminal several standard questions: “What did the demon look like? Wool color? Nose shape? it. etc., after which I made my resume. Almost always it said that “the devil has nothing to do with it in this case.” The people called these priests “the devil’s advocates.”

It turns out that they learned to measure the severity of a crime in the literal sense of the word back in the 16th century in the Zaporozhye Sich. The most terrible offenses, followed by immediate execution, were considered to be theft from a comrade or concealment of part of the spoils of war. Other cases were considered and judged by the kuren ataman. Punishments included fights, drunkenness during a campaign, sodomy, insolence towards superiors, and failure to memorize the text of the “message to the Turkish Sultan.” Three sets of weights were kept in the ataman’s tent all year round: for light, medium and severe offenses. After interrogating the accused, plaintiff and witnesses, the ataman established the degree of guilt in weights. For example, a fight in a tavern was considered a minor offense and was punished with one light weight. Two fights - two, etc. Argument with superiors was equivalent to a medium weight. Drunkenness during a hike was a serious offense. A Cossack who got drunk in a tavern, insulted the captain and was convicted of sodomy, received a full set of weights. Then the “degree of guilt” was tied to the convict’s belt, he was put in a boat, taken to the middle of the Dnieper and thrown into the water. The drunkards, amid the laughter of their comrades, easily swam to the shore and, smiling hypocritically, repented. Those who committed a grave sin sank like stones under the water. It happened that they drowned for three or four minor offenses, and it happened that some mustachioed giant got out of the Dnieper with a couple of “serious” ones. “Water does not accept a bastard,” the smoker respectfully shook his head.

One day, an envoy from the Pope arrived to the monks of the Falkenau monastery, near Tartu. The monks demanded an increase in subsidies from him, because they lead an ascetic life and exhaust the flesh in a cruel way, not like in other monasteries. As proof, the envoy was shown how the monks cruelly flogged themselves with rods and were exposed to hellish heat and unbearable cold. These spiritual exploits impressed the Vatican envoy so much that the subsidy to the monastery was actually increased. In fact, they only showed him how the monks wash themselves in the bathhouse. They were dirty - Europeans in those days did not see anything like this.

In 1540, in the Spanish city of Guimaran, a moth appeared before a judge. The defendant was accused of damaging an extremely valuable tapestry, which was valued at 10 thousand maravedis. After a thorough investigation, the moth was found guilty and sentenced to be beheaded. At the same time, the judge announced that the entire Moth tribe was expelled from the kingdom forever. This decision can be considered a miscarriage of justice, since the moth was convicted innocently. The real culprits were the moth larvae.

Every child knows that knights, throwing a gauntlet to an opponent, challenged him to a duel. However, where did this tradition come from?

The first person to throw down the gauntlet is considered to be Count Godefroy de Bouillon, aka Godfrey of Bouillon, a participant in the first Crusade. What was it worth just for his refusal to be coronated as King of Jerusalem and to accept the modest title of Defender of the Holy Sepulchre!

The legend of the “thrown glove” is also connected with it. On June 28, 1097, the Crusader troops approached the gates of Dorilea. The arriving ambassadors from Sultan Kilij Arslan brought into the commander's tent a casket containing a pointed shoe embroidered with gold.

“I’m not good at the customs of the infidels,” Godefroy disdainfully raised his shoe with two fingers, “but I understand that the Sultan fled and this is all that’s left of him?”

“The Great Kilij-Arslan invites Christians to surrender to his mercy by kissing this shoe as a sign of humility and hope for forgiveness,” the envoy answered dispassionately.

“Let him kiss this,” and the count threw his combat gauntlet covered in metal plates into the envoy’s face.

The present counts and barons laughed approvingly...

The Sultan's troops were completely defeated. The crusaders, considering the thrown glove a good omen, besieging another city, sent a truce to throw a knight's glove at the gates of the fortress. Then this tradition migrated to Europe.

Timur (Tamerlane) decided to commemorate his victories by building a cathedral mosque. Above its entrance, the “ruler of the world” ordered to write: “Timur is the shadow of Allah on earth.”

When construction came to an end, the conqueror was already a very old man. One day he had a dream: his father, Emir Taragai, came up to him, took the reins from his hands, and then led his horse into a large garden. And suddenly everything disappeared: the father, the horse, and the garden. Since then, Tamerlan has been getting worse every day. After Timur’s death, something strange began to happen in his mosque, for example, bricks often fell on those praying. The faithful noticed: “Timur is a shadow” is clearly written above the entrance to the mosque. That's all. The sentence ended there.

The Italian poet Augurelli, counting on a rich reward from Pope Leo X, presented him with a poem about alchemy, glorifying the achievements of this science in the production of artificial gold. Unfortunately for Augurelli, the high priest was not without a healthy sense of humor. Having politely accepted the poem presented to him, he presented the naive author with a large empty bag. Seeing the insult and bewilderment on the poet’s face, Leo X said: “He who possesses such great magical art, I believe, only needs a bag of gold for complete happiness.”

King Frederick II, who ruled Prussia in the 18th century, once visited the Berlin city prison. One after another, the prisoners fell at the royal feet, complained about their evil fate and swore their innocence. Only one stood modestly on the sidelines, not asking the king for mercy.

“Well, what about you,” the king turned to him, “did you also get here by mistake?”

- No, Your Majesty, I am suffering a well-deserved punishment. I'm convicted of armed robbery.

The monarch immediately ordered the prisoner to be released with the words:

“Kick out this bandit so that he does not spoil the society of honest people with his presence.”

They say that Peter I in simple clothes walked around the city unrecognized and talked with ordinary people. One evening in a tavern he was drinking with a soldier, and the soldier pawned his broadsword (a straight heavy saber) for the drink. In response to “Peter Mikhailov’s” bewilderment, the soldier explained: “For now, I’ll sheathe a wooden broadsword and buy it from my salary.”

The next morning there is a royal review in the regiment! The Tsar has arrived to the regiment! He walked through the rows, recognized the sly man, stopped and ordered: “Cut me with your broadsword!” The soldier is speechless and shakes his head negatively. The king raised his voice: “Ruby! Otherwise, you’ll be hanged this very second for neglecting an order!”

Nothing to do. The soldier grabbed the wooden hilt and yelled: “Lord God, turn this formidable weapon into wood!” - and slashed. Only chips flew.

The regiment gasped, the regimental priest prayed: “A miracle, God granted a miracle!” The king twirled his mustache and said in a low voice to the soldier: “Resourceful, bad man!” - and loudly to the regimental commander: “For five days in the guardhouse for uncleaning the scabbard! And then send me to navigation school.”

The construction of the Winter Palace in St. Petersburg was completed in 1762, but the area in front of it was occupied by barracks and littered with building materials. Peter III wanted to move to the new palace by Easter, but it was impossible to clear the area by the deadline, because the stones and logs left after construction were very heavy. Then the emperor announced that the population could take away everything that lay in front of the palace for free. Contemporaries claim that the next morning after the imperial decree, the square was completely empty.

The famous admiral V. Chichagov, reporting to Empress Catherine II about the victory of the fleet, could not resist an outburst of victorious emotions and commented on the actions of the Swedes “on three levels”, and then became terribly embarrassed. But the resourceful ruler supported him with a smile: “Continue, admiral, I still don’t understand the maritime language.”

The highest ranks of the army, in the presence of A. Suvorov, started talking about who should be awarded George III degree for the capture of Izmail. Unexpectedly for everyone, Alexander Vasilyevich said that Ivan Kuris deserves the award.

“He’s a clerk at my headquarters and he bravely wrote: “Go for the assault.” What about me? I just signed up...

Once at a court ball, wanting to show attention to Field Marshal Suvorov, Catherine II asked:

— What should I treat my dear guest?

“Bless me, Tsarina, with vodka,” answered Suvorov.

- But what will the beautiful ladies-in-waiting who will talk to you say? - Ekaterina noted.

“They will feel that the soldier is speaking to them.”

Two generals, heroes of the Patriotic War of 1812, Miloradovich and Uvarov, knew French very poorly, but in aristocratic society they certainly tried to speak French.

One day, at dinner with Alexander I, they sat on either side of the Russian general Count Alexander Langeron (1763-1831), a Frenchman by nationality, and talked to each other the whole time.

After lunch, Alexander I asked Langeron what Uvarov and Miloradovich were talking about so passionately.

- Sorry, sir, but I didn’t understand anything: they spoke French.

Voltaire at one time lived at the court of King Frederick the Great and enjoyed his great favor. Once upon a time, Voltaire visited a German general, the author of notes on Russia, which the philosopher translated into French. At this time, the messenger brought another work by Friedrich, who usually handed over his works to Voltaire with a request to evaluate and correct them. Having accepted the royal manuscript, the bilious Frenchman said to the general: “My friend, we must now postpone our work. You see, the king sent me his dirty linen to wash. We need to wash it."

This poisonous remark cost Voltaire his place.

One day, a valet read evening prayer to King Frederick the Great of Prussia.

Having reached the words: “The Lord bless you,” he paused and respectfully read: “The Lord preserve Your Majesty.”

The king immediately boiled: “Read it correctly, scoundrel! Before God, I’m just as much a pig as you!”

From Karamzin’s book “Notes of a Russian Traveler.” During the French Revolution, peasants suspected a passerby of counter-revolutionary sentiments. “In one village near Paris, peasants stopped a young, well-dressed man and demanded that he shout with them: “Vive la nation!” (“Long live the nation!”). The young man carried out their will, waved his hat and shouted: “Vive la nation!” "Good good! - they said. - We are glad. You are a good Frenchman, go wherever you want. No, wait: explain to us first what it is. nation?""

The negative attitude towards the new product - potatoes - in France was broken in a very unconventional way: the French Minister Turgot ordered guards to be placed around the potato fields. “If they are protected, it means it is valuable,” the people thought, and soon potatoes became one of the most popular products.

Why did Buonaparte decide to be called Bonaparte? "Buono parte" means "large part" in Italian. “Not all French are thieves, but most of them are,” they joked in occupied Italy.

One day an engineer came to Napoleon and presented a design for a steamship. “Some piece of iron will float?! without sails?! Yes, you think I’m a fool!!!” — the emperor was indignant and ordered the engineer to get away with his drawings.

In 1797, Napoleon Bonaparte made an excellent advertisement for his currency and country: he spread the news that a bank check for a million francs to bearer was supposedly sealed in one of the five-franc coins... The French bank still guarantees payment of the specified amount, but the check is still not presented.

An undeniable anecdote is the way the Parisian newspapers covered Napoleon's progress across the country from his landing in the south of France until his second accession to the throne.

The first news: “The Corsican monster has landed in Juan Bay.” Second news: “The cannibal is coming to Grasse.” Third: “The usurper has entered Grenoble.” Fourth: “Bonaparte occupied Lyon.” Fifth: “Napoleon is approaching Fontainebleau.” Sixth news: “His Imperial Majesty is expected today in his faithful Paris.”

The founder of the dynasty of Swedish kings, Jean Baptiste Jules Bernadotte, was a Frenchman by birth and also a marshal of Napoleonic army. To inherit the Swedish throne, Bernadotte was adopted by the elderly King Charles XIII, and after his death became Charles XIV.

A consistent supporter of Swedish neutrality, a patron of the sciences and arts, a law-abiding citizen, he ruled for 25 years and died, mourned by his subjects. Imagine the surprise of those close to the king when they discovered a tattoo on his arm that read: “Death to kings!”

Russian Emperor Nicholas I, known for his love of military order, extended this passion to religion. Once, having seen the icon of St. Nicholas of Myra, on which the saint was depicted with his head uncovered, he was indignant: “Where is the miter?” The miter is a specific headdress for bishops, and the saint was a bishop during his lifetime. Church hierarchs were forced to admit that the emperor was right, and Saint Nicholas began to be depicted wearing a miter.

During the reign of Nicholas I, maneuvers took place in the Oryol province, during which the garden of a local landowner was damaged. The latter filed a complaint to the highest name and wished for an order as compensation for the damage.

Nicholas I ordered a five-pound iron medal with the inscription “For Cabbage” to be forged and presented to an ambitious subject.

Nicholas I, relaxing in one of the country palaces, often went to observe military exercises.

And then one day, near the road along which the emperor was following, fined soldiers were digging a ditch. Seeing the royal carriage, the soldiers stretched out in a line, took off their hats, silently waiting for the sovereign to pass so that they could get to work again. According to the rules adopted at that time, the emperor could not greet them with the words: “Great, well done!”

A similar scene was repeated the next day. The inability to greet soldiers, even if they had done something wrong, tormented Nikolai. The emperor could not stand it and shouted in his inimitable voice:

- Hello, naughty people!

Needless to say, how enthusiastic “We wish you good health, Your Imperial Majesty!” the soldiers responded to the cunning of the king, who cleverly circumvented the strict rule.

In Paris they decided to stage a play from the life of Catherine II, where the Russian empress was presented, to put it mildly, in a somewhat frivolous light. Having learned about this, the August grandson of Catherine the Great, Emperor Nicholas I, through the Russian envoy, Count Nikolai Kiselev, expressed his highest displeasure to the government of Prince Louis Napoleon Bonaparte, the future Emperor Napoleon III. An answer came from Paris in the spirit that, they say, there is freedom of speech in France and no one is going to cancel the performance. To which Nicholas I ordered to convey to the French government that in this case he would send 300 thousand spectators in gray overcoats to the premiere of this performance. As soon as the royal response reached the French capital, the scandalous performance was canceled there without unnecessary delay.

During Alexander III's trip across Russia, one day the royal train unexpectedly stopped at a small siding. One of the men who had gathered to watch saw Alexander, took off his hat and whispered: “What a king!” And then he added the usual village swearing out of deep excitement. The gendarme wanted to arrest him, but the tsar called the frightened man and gave him a 25-ruble note (where there was an image of the tsar) with the words: “Here is my portrait for you as a souvenir.”

Having suppressed the revolution of 1848 in Germany, Bismarck demanded the public execution of its leaders. To the argument of one of his opponents that only God can take a person’s life, the Iron Chancellor answered without a shadow of a doubt: “The Lord God cannot keep track of all the scoundrels on earth, and therefore needs our help.”

While still a young diplomat, Otto von Bismarck was sent as envoy to St. Petersburg, from where he tried to escape as quickly as possible. Having become chancellor, Bismarck dissuaded King William from attacking Russia. “The Russians harness slowly, but drive quickly,” he warned. Already in retirement, he admitted: “This country has always frightened me with its unpredictability.”

Stalin met Stanislavsky, who became agitated and introduced himself to Stalin by his real name:

- Alekseev.

Stalin, smiling and extending his hand:

- Dzhugashvili.

In the 1930s, the father of Soviet mathematical analysis, Nikolai Luzin, was reported to the NKVD: they wrote that he tested the truth not by Marxism-Leninism, but by the natural series.

He was arrested, and since the scientist was world famous, the matter even reached Stalin.

Stalin wrote a resolution: “No Trotskyism was found in the natural series.”

B. Vannikov was arrested on June 7, 1941, and on July 20 he was suddenly released and brought to Stalin, who appointed him Deputy People's Commissar of Armaments. Vannikov said:

When Vannikov arrived at work in the morning, he read a decree in the Pravda newspaper that he had been awarded the title of Hero of Socialist Labor.

In the Writers' Union in 1949, at the height of the struggle with cosmopolitans, I. Ehrenburg's new novel “The Tempest” was discussed. He allowed his fellow members to blame the novel, and then said that he wanted to read a letter from “one simple reader”: “I read The Tempest.” Congratulations on your creative success. Stalin." After which, die-hard fighters against sedition immediately nominated the novel for the 1st degree Stalin Prize.

After the creation of the film “Chapaev,” the critic Kh. Khersonsky wrote that the film was bad, since in it the petty everyday overshadows the heroically epochal. Chapaev's associates and members of his family also expressed disapproval: everything was wrong, Chapaev did not look like himself. It was a hopeless situation for the film. Finally they showed it to Stalin, conveying the opinion of Chapaev’s comrades and relatives. Stalin walked around, paused, puffed on his pipe and said remarkable words that revealed his aesthetic program of “life’s truth”:

- They lie like eyewitnesses.

One day, W. Churchill's driver turned into the wrong lane and got lost. A certain young man passed by. Churchill asked:

- Young man, can you tell me where I am?

“In the car,” he answered and turned the corner.

“An answer worthy of the House of Commons,” Churchill said to the driver. - Firstly, short and boorish. Secondly, absolutely unnecessary. And thirdly, it does not contain anything that the person asking does not know about himself.

At a dinner after the second meeting of the Tehran Conference on November 28 or 29, 1943, according to the recollections of Churchill and other participants, such a brief dialogue took place.

Churchill: “I believe that God is on our side. In any case, I did everything to ensure that he became our faithful ally.”

Stalin: “Well, the devil, of course, is on my side. Because, of course, everyone knows that the devil is a communist. And God is undoubtedly a respectable conservative..."

W. Churchill was very fond of Armenian cognac and drank a bottle of 50-proof Dvin cognac every day. One day the prime minister discovered that Dvin had lost its former taste. He showed his dissatisfaction with Stalin. It turned out that the master M. Sedrakyan, who was engaged in the Dvina blend, was exiled to Siberia. He was returned and reinstated in the party. Churchill began to receive his favorite cognac again. Twenty years later, in 1971, Sedrakyan was awarded the title of Hero of Socialist Labor.

D. Shostakovich was served tea with lemon at a reception with the Queen of England. After drinking tea, the composer took out a lemon with a spoon and ate it. The court was shocked, but not the queen. She calmly took out her lemon and ate it too. The incident became a precedent. Now at the royal court it is customary to eat lemon by removing it from tea.

A six-year-old Finnish girl, Helga Hiltunen, wrote a letter to God before Christmas asking him to give her 100 marks. In Finland, only the President of the Republic has the right to open letters with an incorrect address. Thus, a letter addressed to “Mr. God” was read by Urho Kaleva Kekkonen, who successfully ruled the country from 1958 to 1982. Kekkonen decided to fulfill the girl’s request, but thought that 50 marks was enough for such a small child. He ordered to take her money and a letter “from God” in his car. Soon a letter from Helga arrived at the office again. She wrote that the whole street was staring at Mr. President’s car stopping near her house. The girl asked God not to transfer money to anyone through the president, because he stole half of it.

Excerpt from the report from the guard's report during the Russo-Japanese War of 1904-1905: “Walking around the perimeters of the halt, Sergeant Major Sidorchuk discovered a Japanese man dressed in all black (ninja), emitting some screams and sharply waving his palms, from Sidorchuk’s blow to the ear of the fallen man to the ground and soon died."

In 1919, the White Guard general Kharkov, a selfless fighter against Bolshevism, was popular in England. In fact, there was no General Kharkov, and most likely, in reports from Russia, General Krasnov was confused with the city of Kharkov. But “General Kharkov” turned out to be a tenacious character. This is what the then British Prime Minister D. Lloyd George says about him in public speeches: “We cannot say to the Russians fighting against the Bolsheviks: “Thank you, we don’t need you anymore. Let the Bolsheviks cut your throat.” We would be an unworthy country!.. And therefore we must provide all possible assistance to Admiral Kolchak, General Denikin and General Kharkov.”

Further more - the “exploits” of General Kharkov are described in newspapers in England and France, the mythical fighter against Bolshevism is so popular that a song about General Kharkov appears, a charitable foundation in his name is created, a bar is opened and a brand of beer named in honor of the general is produced, a General shaving set appears Kharkov, General Kharkov coffee drink, General Kharkov men's suspenders and even Kharkov ladies' hat style.

But this is not the end of the general psychosis: in the summer of 1919, the English King George V awarded General Kharkov the Order of Saints Michael and George “for his services in the fight against Bolshevism as a world evil.” And the British mission goes to Russia, authorized, among other things, to present the award. In the end, having arrived in Kharkov, at the headquarters of the Volunteer Army, the British understand that there is no “General Kharkov” and never was. And in order to hush up the embarrassment, they present the award to the commander of the Volunteer Army, Mai-Maevsky.

During the civil war, the future Nobel Prize winner in physics I. Tamm was captured by one of Makhno’s gangs. He was taken to the ataman - a bearded man in a tall fur hat, who had machine-gun belts crisscrossing his chest and a pair of hand grenades dangling from his belt.

- You son of a bitch, communist agitator, why are you undermining mother Ukraine? We will kill you.

“Not at all,” Tamm answered. “I’m a professor at Odessa University and I came here to get at least some food.”

- Nonsense! - exclaimed the chieftain. - What kind of professor are you?

— I teach mathematics.

— Mathematics? - asked the ataman. “Then find me an estimate for the approximation of the Maclaurin series by the first n-terms.” If you decide, you will be released, if not, I will shoot you.

Tamm could not believe his ears: the problem belonged to a rather narrow area of higher mathematics. With trembling hands and at gunpoint, he managed to deduce the solution and showed it to the chieftain.

- Right! - said the ataman. “Now I see that you really are a professor.” Well, go home.

Tamm never learned the ataman's last name.

Germany. 1940

The German General Staff receives news that fascist Italy has entered the war.

One general says:

- We will need 10 divisions to defeat it!

“Mussolini will fight on our side,” explains another.

- This is worse - then we will need 20 divisions to save him.

How many of us know that in the 50-60s of the 20th century, the British army tried to increase the effectiveness of soldiers in battle by experimenting with narcotic substances, including the well-known LSD. Here is a brief description of one of the military exercises. “I don’t know if this was the first, but certainly the last, time the British Army dealt with LSD. Just before the start of the exercise, all participants, including commanders, were given LSD tablets along with a glass of water. The first signs of the influence of the narcotic substance appeared after 25 minutes. Most of the soldiers began to relax and giggle stupidly. After 35 minutes, one of the radio operators realized that he had forgotten how to use the radio, and it was discovered that giggling reduced the accuracy of the rocket launcher. Another 10 minutes after this, the attacking unit got lost in a small forest area, completely forgetting that according to the plan they were supposed to try to recapture this area from the enemies entrenched in it. However, despite the symptoms, the soldiers still tried to take organized action. For a long time, using the map and compass, we searched for the headquarters, which was in direct visibility at the old familiar training ground in an open field. After 50 minutes, radio communication turned out to be almost impossible. After 1 hour and 10 minutes, the commander had to admit that he had completely lost control over his unit, and the field exercises were suspended, after which he himself had to climb a tree, since for some reason no one had fed the birds the entire time.”

They said about F. Castro that he would not ignore the snake if it ended up in his bed. In the winter of 1959, the Cuban dictator met 19-year-old German Marita Lorenz. The girl fell in love with him like a cat. The romance developed rapidly, but at the same time Fidel did not forget his other mistresses. This broke Marita. When a CIA agent approached her and “ordered” her a great Havanese, she was already ready to cooperate. She was given capsules that had to be placed discreetly into his glass. “Is it true that you came to kill me?” - Fidel asked. Then, smiling, he took the revolver out of the holster and handed it to her with the words: “You won’t succeed anyway, I’m invincible.” Then he threw her on the bed. The murder did not take place.

The extravagant President of the Central African Republic, Jean Bedel Bokassa, aka Emperor Bokassa I, tyrant and cannibal, was a Catholic all his life, as befits a person who has reached high positions in a French colony. However, already as emperor, he converted to Islam and proclaimed it the state religion of the country. This act was a kind of gift to the Libyan leader Muammar Gaddafi, who came to the CAR on a visit. But three days after the departure of the distinguished guest, Bokassa and his subjects calmly converted to Christianity again.

During his visit to the United States, N. Khrushchev was invited to give a television interview, during which he began to accuse the United States of inciting a new war. The interviewer pointed out the illogical nature of this and used the familiar idiom “You are barking up the wrong tree.” Khrushchev’s translator did not recognize the idiom and translated it word for word: “You bark like a dog at the wrong tree.” Khrushchev became furious and at the next question he began to threaten and tell how many missiles the USSR had. Many explanations and apologies were required.

Saddam Hussein often admitted to his loved ones that he owed his career to the spirit of the Babylonian king Nebuchadnezzar living within him. Hussein's entire life was subordinated to the image of the king of Ancient Babylon, whom he tried to copy in everything: from the construction of beautiful palaces, on every brick of which the name of the dictator was written, to the desire to enslave and destroy Israel.

Due to the lack of combat aviation, American F-16s were transferred to Estonia after it joined NATO. During a test flight over the country, the fighter, controlled by an experienced pilot, was unable to reach supersonic speed. But the fact is that when the supersonic barrier was overcome, Estonia was already over. But the fact remained a fact, and an entry appeared in the documents of the military bloc: “...due to the specific characteristics of the country, the F-16 fighter is not capable of reaching maximum speed over Estonia.”

In the 1960s, NASA decided that astronauts needed pens during flight to record the results of experiments and observations. Therefore, the association undertook to develop pens that will work in zero gravity (since, of course, an ordinary pen will not function in conditions of weightlessness, because the principle of its operation is based precisely on the force of gravity of the Earth). After in-depth research, experiments and testing that lasted two years, a working zero-herb was released - an astronaut pen that cost NASA approximately $1 million (in 1960 dollars!). The production output amounted to 50 pens.

The Soviet Union also faced this problem at one time. The Russians decided to use pencils...

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