When there is too much love. Addiction

Approved for distribution by the Publishing Council of the Russian Orthodox Church

IS R16-612-0480

* * *

“We must learn to see in man the image of God, the shrine that we are called to bring back to life and glory, just as the restorer is called to return to glory the damaged, trampled, shot icon that is given to him. This begins with ourselves, but should also be addressed to our neighbors: to other Christians, whom we so easily judge, and to our closest, dear ones.

Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh

Word to the reader

The book that you are holding in your hands tells about love - true love, which every person deserves. However, the path to it is not easy, and it lies through a clear awareness of the illusions that people tend to surround themselves with.

Understanding what is happening to us is a purely ascetic Christian responsibility. Asceticism - the practice of self-knowledge, self-education and self-improvement - begins from the moment when a person takes responsibility for what is happening inside him.

Responsibility is a skill: social, emotional, personal, spiritual. It is laid down in childhood and develops throughout a person's life, transforming at crisis points. Responsibility is work, and in different periods its content, goals and depth will differ.

The person himself must take responsibility for himself, we cannot do it for him. Often the relatives of a patient with alcoholism or drug addiction object: “How can you say that, how can you allow a person to kill himself, we are ready to do everything we can and not let him die.” I have to say to such people: you are too frivolous about life and death. Here you need to gather all your courage and stand in the face of that gigantic spiritual dignity of a person, which the Lord handed over to him personally. It extends to life and death. Standing in the face of the image and likeness of God, realizing all its magnitude and fiery power, would you dare to say: “I won’t let you”? Who gave you such a right? Even the Lord Himself, with all His incommensurable greatness compared to man, does not take away his free will. If we treat Christianity as a religion that has a height reaching to heaven and a depth reaching to hell, then we must stand before the dignity of man with great respect.

When Job saw the majesty of God, he said: I put my hand on my mouth(Job 39:34), that is, I fall silent in fear and trembling. When we meet a man, we must feel Job's awe at the significance of his personality. In the words “I won’t let you kill me” sounds an infantile position in which there is no recognition of the maturity, freedom and dignity of a person. Moreover, I think that the non-recognition of this dignity is one of the reasons for his dependence. A mother who says that she will not let her son die, in fact, does not allow him to become an adult, independent, therefore it is quite clear that she will protect him from himself until the end, until the last minute and even after his death. Very often, women, having taken away freedom from a child or husband, "friendly" bring them to the edge of the abyss.

Of course, no one removes responsibility from the addict himself. If a person is physically able to provide for himself, then you need to leave him to himself. The most correct position in relation to an adult is to treat him with respect, and not approach him as a dependent. It is necessary to give him freedom - work, earn and spend your money the way you want. This is the only possible healthy situation in which the addict can do something for himself. If the relatives continue to provide him with everything in the world, then, in fact, they impede his recovery.

Relatives of dependent people also have to take their share of responsibility, realizing their painful connection with them. Codependency is a loss of freedom, dignity, personal integrity, it is no less destructive than alcohol and drugs. The wives of alcoholics, the mothers of drug addicts literally fetter themselves by fighting for their lives and recovery. Often codependence is hidden under the mask of love, but it is rather anti-love. Of course, we depend on our loved ones in our daily worries, but what we call addiction in everyday life and in psychology are two different things. It is important to understand that codependency also leads to distortion in the spiritual life.

Among women living with relatives who suffer from alcoholism and drug addiction, it is widely believed that this is their cross and they must humble themselves. I want to warn them: the height of the gospel feat - the Cross of Christ - does not allow us to exchange this word in relation to such situations. If a woman lives with an addict, then this is her choice, for which she is responsible, but not her victim. Perhaps she receives some benefits from such a life: psychological (feels needed), material (retains her married status), it may be passion, even charm: “I’m saving him!” In fact, it destroys...

Of course, you can talk about sacrificial love, but this is rare. Alcoholism, drug addiction destroy love, corrode it with the poison of betrayal, betrayal and simply the decomposition of the spouse's personal qualities. Only memories of love and pity remain. Only a turn to recovery changes the lives of such couples - it does not return to the old relationship, but leads to a new one.

I want to emphasize that alcoholism is a problem in Russia, nowhere in the world this issue is so acute. In fact, we are dealing with a special national spiritual problem, which, first of all, lies in the attitude of society, the family and each individual towards it. Today, alcohol consumption is presented as a national trait that is encouraged, admired, songs are written about, films are made about, jokes are told. An alcoholic is a person who in modern society is characterized as “ours”, “ours”. If you don’t drink, they can easily ask you: “Are you not Russian?” The ability of a man to drink a glass of vodka and (preferably) not get drunk at the same time has become evidence of patriotism, belonging to the nation. This problem captures not only the area of national self-identification and ethics (“our man”), but also aesthetics: alcoholism is exploited as an artistic image, especially in a marginal culture, but not only. There is an apology for an alcoholic: he has a delicate soul, he was undeservedly offended, etc.

What to do? First of all, no need to take alcohol as a national code! Do not participate in this poetization of the disease, do not agree - and start the path to recovery.

Alcoholism and drug addiction are problems that have many dimensions, and they need to be addressed at different levels. The treatment is never exhausted only by medical means, the problem is not solved only by spiritual or only psychological methods. All of them work together. And the starting point of healing from both addiction and codependency will be the awareness of the problem and the decision to change your life.

When we deal with dependent people and our feelings about it, we come into contact with the dark sides of being. We become afraid: we are afraid of ourselves and our feelings. For example, one woman confessed: "I can guess where the way out of my situation is, but I'm afraid to go there." There is a need for a guide, and in the person of the author of this book, the reader receives a kind, loving professional guide through the gloomy areas of a person’s life, through inner labyrinths that are difficult to figure out: where is love, freedom, and where is dependence, where are direct relationships, and where - manipulation.

Specialists working with difficult patients have to show some rigidity, so the text written by a narcologist-psychiatrist cannot be soft. However, Valentina Dmitrievna treats her patients with love, she stands by their side. She is not afraid of the problems of dependent people, she is not afraid of the grief of their relatives, she knows how to work with this grief.

How we would like our human love alone to be enough to save a loved one ... But it turns out to be not enough alone. After reading the book, it will become clear to us where illusion replaces love, and I would really like readers to finally feel the taste of true love.

Archpriest Andrei Lorgus

Why does a Christian need psychology?

The books by Valentina Moskalenko “Return to Life” and “When there is “too much love”, which are published by the Nikea publishing house, are not just regular publications devoted to the psychology of human relations. Their author makes an attempt to answer the difficult question of how the theory and practical experience of psychological science can be connected with the Christian worldview.

It is no secret that for a modern person, psychology becomes a kind of ersatz of religion, repeating it so much that it contains analogues of the main sacraments (Baptism, Confession ...). This replacement is not at all accidental, it is the result of the displacement of the sacred, the religious from modern life, with the continuing need for its regulation, comprehension and even “spiritualization”, carried out in psychology through an appeal to the sphere of the unconscious. Not surprisingly, among Orthodox Christians, there is a widespread opinion about psychology as something that is contrary to faith.

However, can we, modern Christians, say that the problems that are described in these books are alien to us? No. Moreover, pastoral practice shows that the psychological ailments that the author writes about become almost universal in the Orthodox environment. Of course, one can, quoting the apostle, speak of this as a condition abundance of grace(Rom. 5:20), but a sober, unprejudiced assessment will lead us to the conclusion that our house is not built on the rock of Christ's love and freedom, but on the sand of external decency (see Matt. 7). And the great fall of such a house is not a matter of the future, it is already happening ...

Christians who completely deny the meaning of psychology, without suspecting it, deny the human being himself, complex and unpredictable. Such a mistake is fatal, because such a "theology of creation" introduces a distortion in the foundation of our faith. These books do not just challenge hypocrisy and hypocrisy of the Pharisees, they affirm the goodness of the world, those grace-filled gifts that the Creator has endowed each of us with.

Turning life into a static, decent “something” would mean abandoning the very nature of man, so the author is not afraid to talk about falling in love, intimate life, and the complex dynamics of personal relationships.

Sin, as the author of books understands it, is not just a general principle, the rejection of which is enough to declare - sin is exposed as an imaginary "sacrifice", as a false "devotion", as a fictitious "love" ... And this exposure, when committed by a person, is the fruit genuine, and not formal repentance, in which it is impossible not to see a real miracle.

If the book “When there is too much love” tells about the dramatic relationship experience that children who grow up in dysfunctional families have, an experience that distorts their own future family life, then in the book “Return to Life” the author talks about the family as a structure that creates conditions and nourishes the development of alcoholism and drug addiction, about the severe, destructive condition of even its “healthy” members.

Much in the text of the books may seem unusual to the Orthodox reader. For example, emphasizing the dignity, the value of an individual human personality, constantly emphasizing the need to clearly draw its boundaries. But here, too, psychology only repeats in its new language the truths discovered long ago by Christianity. Let us remember that a person is the image and likeness of God Himself (Gen. 1), and the Church is a unity of individuals irreplaceable in the common being (1 Cor. 13).

Thus, these books, using the rich tools of psychological science, direct the Orthodox reader to search for genuine, and not imaginary spirituality, prepare him for the fight against sin, and strengthen his faith in salvation.

Priest Gleb Kursky,
Lecturer at the Department of Biblical Studies, Orthodox St. Tikhon Humanitarian University

From the author

Does anyone in your family have an alcoholism or drug addiction? Perhaps you are the granddaughter of an already deceased grandfather who suffered from one of these ailments? Are you or your friend married to an alcoholic or drug addict? Staying in close relationship with the patient, you are emotionally involved in his problems.

The book you are holding in your hands is for you. It is dedicated to the psychology of dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction) and codependence. Codependency is a psychological state of the patient's family members.

Not only wives are subject to codependency, but also mothers, brothers, sisters, adult children and even grandchildren of a patient with alcoholism or drug addiction. Relatives not only suffer themselves, but also build such relationships in the family that do not help the patient's recovery. Patients themselves also have signs of codependence even before the development of the disease, or they appear after the onset of sobriety. It is difficult for co-addicts to become good parents, so their children are often included in the chain of development of addiction in the family.

Often, co-dependent wives or mothers, acting out of the best of intentions, begin to control their husbands, sons, take care of them, and finally take full responsibility for their lives, hoping that the husband, son will “wake up conscience” and he will stop drinking. But this is fundamentally the wrong tactic. Alcoholism or drug addiction, like any other passion, sin, must be defeated by the carrier himself. Our task is not to try to do it for him, but to help him. How should loved ones behave? First of all, you need to accept that your loved one is not a bad person, but he is sick. In him, as in every person, there is the image of God, but, unfortunately, there is also a passion that destroys him. The Holy Fathers teach us to hate sin, but to love the person afflicted by it. “If we consider sin as a misfortune, as a disease,” says Metropolitan Anthony of Surozh, “then we must love the sinner as we love the sick and hate his illness. If a person is ill with anything, then we can hate the disease, we can be torn apart by the soul that a person has become a victim of such a disease; but we cannot hate him, even if he is guilty. Even if the disease is the result of his debauchery, still it is a pity for a person, because he was not created for this and was not called to that.

Separate the person of the patient from his disease (alcohol, drugs), that is, be gentle with the person, but firm in relation to unacceptable behavior. Say to yourself: "I hate alcohol, but I love the person." Let the patient face the consequences of his behavior and experience all that he has done. Deciding to act in this way is not easy, but it is the only possible path to recovery, both for you and for your addicted relatives.

So codependency is curable. The book presents a program to overcome it. Healing leads to more harmonious relationships in the family, saves children from becoming dependent on them.

The book is addressed to relatives and friends of patients. At the same time, the book can become a guide for psychologists, psychotherapists, narcologists, psychiatrists, social workers in working with patients and their families.

Part 1
Addiction

Who has howl? who has a moan? who has a fight?

who has grief? who has wounds for no reason?

who has purple eyes?

Those who sit long over wine

who come looking for wine

seasoned.

Don't look at the wine as it turns red

how it sparkles in the bowl, how it

cared for exactly:

later, like a snake, it will bite,

and sting like an asp;

your eyes will look at

other people's wives, and your heart will speak

depraved,

and you will be like sleeping in the middle of the sea

and like a sleeper at the top of a mast.

[And you will say:] “They beat me, it didn’t hurt me; pushed me, I did not feel. When I wake up, I will look for the same thing again.

Proverbs 23:29–35

My son! during your life, test your soul and observe what is harmful to it, and do not give it that; for not everything is useful for everyone, and not every soul is disposed to everything.

Sir. 37:30–31

Alcoholism is a family disease

Dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction, substance abuse) is a family disease. Firstly, it can occur in several members of the same family, be passed down from generation to generation (for example, affect both father and son, several brothers and sisters, be traced to more distant relatives). Of course, this is not inevitable, so in every such family, in addition to the sick, there are also healthy people.

Secondly, even if there is only one alcoholic in the family, all the other members suffer psychologically. It is simply impossible to live next to a drinking person and not be emotionally involved in his illness. The mental state of relatives of addicts is referred to as "codependence".

Relatives of patients suffer no less, and sometimes even more (because they do not drink and endure their pain without alcohol "anesthesia"), than the patients themselves. A network of narcological dispensaries and hospitals has been created for addicts, and private medical institutions deal with them. And where can a relative of the patient turn for help? Only in some medical institutions there are specialists who pay attention to relatives. Often, employees of specialized centers are limited to only a brief consultation with family members of addicts.

I believe that relatives are entitled to special assistance, and I offer them such a program. My book is dedicated to a detailed description of the manifestations of codependency and its overcoming.

Official data on the incidence of alcoholism differ from the real ones, but I think the reader will not argue that this disease is very common and the number of cases is growing over the years. As for drug addicts, their number is increasing even faster.

The Psychology of Addiction: What's Happening to Your Family?

In the International Classification of Diseases (ICD-10), we find a description of a personality disorder that is fully consistent with addiction. Under the heading F 60.7 is:

“a) the desire to shift to others most of the important decisions in one’s life;

b) subordination of one's own needs to the needs of other people on whom the patient depends, and inadequate compliance with their desires;

c) unwillingness to make even reasonable demands on people on whom the individual is dependent;

d) feeling uncomfortable or helpless in solitude due to excessive fear of being unable to live independently;

e) fear of being abandoned by a person with whom there is a close relationship, and being left to oneself;

f) limited ability to make day to day decisions without enhanced advice and encouragement from others.

Additional signs may include self-image as a helpless, incompetent person with no resilience."

Addiction has spiritual roots. “I am convinced,” writes Hieromonk Agapius (Golub), a priest who works with alcohol and drug addicts, “that the main reason for a person’s attraction to substances that change consciousness lies in the damage and perversion of human nature as a result of the fall.”

Thinking about a particular case of addiction - alcoholism - I recall an unexpected definition that I came across from Janet Voititz: “An alcoholic is a person on fire and running to the sea. He drowns in the sea." Under the fire should be understood those feelings from which he has nowhere to go. These feelings are painful, unbearable. Wanting to get rid of them, he turns to alcohol, but the elements are stronger than not only his feelings, but also himself. As a result, he drowns. Let's see what gives rise to feelings that are so uncomfortable for the alcoholic and make him look for a way out.

Addiction

– Do you remember what words your future husband used to declare his love to you?

No, he didn't say anything. He kissed me, and I realized that he loves me.

– What words did he propose to you with?

He said he couldn't live without me. He also said, "I need you."

The future alcoholic was accurate. He really needed such a supportive wife, he could not live and drink without her. The words “I can’t live without you”, “I need you” expressed not so much the strength of his love as the strength of his dependence.

“My husband is my second child, underdeveloped. I picked it up exactly where Mom left it. Until the age of 20, she followed him like a little child, and then I did it, ”says the wife of an alcoholic, 43-year-old Galina.

Patients with alcoholism prefer not to take responsibility. This trait was characteristic of them even before the development of alcoholism. If they don't make decisions, they won't make mistakes. It just so happened in their lives that all decisions from childhood were made by their mother - what to eat, what shirt to wear. Later, the grown son could consult with his mother, which girl he should marry. Such people, having already become adults, live for a long time in the same house with their mother, and after marriage they often call her up. To such an extent often that this reflects not just kindred feelings, but psychological dependence on the mother.

It is difficult for a person of this type to live, he plays a double role - the son of his mother and the husband of his wife. Until he figured out for himself which of these roles is the main one for him, he is between two fires. In fact, he fulfills neither filial obligations nor the duties of a husband, pushing two women in conflict.

Another woman in my psychotherapy group said:

“We have been married for 18 years. We have a son. I try to cook delicious food. But it annoys me that my husband often visits his mother on his way home from work and has lunch there. He does not warn me about this, and I angrily pour out the borscht.

Another wife of an alcoholic shared this story: when the children were small and both spouses worked, her husband often called her at work and said:

“You know, I drank a little today. I can't go to kindergarten for my son. I'm ashamed. Take it yourself."

It’s convenient, isn’t it, to shift the responsibility for caring for children onto your wife? This went on for a long time, then the problem of his alcoholism grew to such an extent that now an adult son forces his father to be treated by force.

The desire to avoid responsibility and the need to make decisions leads to the use of alcohol as a means of avoiding reality. Drinking becomes a way to escape from problems.

emotional immaturity

When a person begins to drink (use drugs), he stops growing and spiritual growth. Working with addicts, I see the same thing all the time. Outwardly, a person may look like a 40-year-old man, but when I ask what his name is, he answers: "Sasha."

Gena, Vasek, Yurik - such people get emotionally stuck at the age of 17. When an alcoholic wants a drink, he behaves like a child who wants a treat. Give him what he wants now! Adults can postpone the satisfaction of desires, but not children. Adults can resist troubles, pains, but not children.

The wife of an alcoholic, a doctor by profession, says:

“When my husband needs the help of a dentist, I agree on general anesthesia. Only in this way can he allow something to be done with his tooth. No, not to pull out, but simply to heal caries. He is very afraid of pain."

In the same way, alcoholics cannot endure life's difficulties. Normally, we, people, grow spiritually, mature emotionally when we overcome pain, troubles, when we solve problems. Addicts avoid this, because there are always people around who are ready to take on the struggle with difficulties. Thus, patients remain emotionally immature and turn into "child No. 1" in the family that they themselves created.

Happy carefree times are not a period of growth and maturation. They feed us with something important, which then will be our emotional resource for the rest of our lives. But carefree days do not encourage us to change, and emotional growth is always change.

I remember an episode from the movie "I ask Klava K. to blame for my death." The hero of the film, a 3rd grade student, fell in love with a girl classmate. He couldn't get her to pay attention to him. And then he told his father everything. A very serious conversation took place between father and son. "What am I to do, father?" - "Suffer".

That was the response of a loving and caring father. Emotional maturity is achieved through suffering.

I recently read in a book that the desire of parents to prevent a child from experiencing pain and difficulties also belongs to child abuse. Interesting, isn't it? Indeed, isn't it cruel not to let a child grow up?

Addicts know how to "anaesthetize" their pain. No wonder their illnesses belong to the field of narcology. The name of this area of medicine is based on the same word that refers to anesthesia - anesthesia.

Inability to endure suffering

An alcoholic cannot tolerate even minor setbacks, he cannot remain in a state of frustration for any length of time. Tolerance is the ability to endure, tolerance. The word "frustration" comes from the Latin "frustratio" - deceit, failure, vain hope. Frustration is a mental state that arises as a result of the collapse of hopes, the impossibility of achieving the set goals. Usually frustration is accompanied by depressed mood, tension, anxiety. Normal life necessarily confronts us with numerous frustrations. They have to be transferred.

The alcoholic has a short wick, it quickly ignites, explodes. And you never know what got him off balance. He can be furious if the wife did not give an ironed shirt, if the son did not close the tube of toothpaste. One woman, the daughter of an alcoholic, recounted how her father made a fuss about her "off-centering a pot on the stove."

At funerals, alcoholics usually get drunk, even if they have been abstaining for a long time. They use this event to justify the opportunity to drink, and also they simply cannot survive grief without “pain relief”.

Daily small inconveniences are unbearable for an alcoholic. He either explodes in anger and rage, or resorts to drinking. Family members try not to annoy him, literally and figuratively walk on tiptoe so as not to disturb their loved one, but he will still find something to complain about.

Inability to express one's feelings

Alexithymia is the inability to express one's feelings. Studies have shown that alexithymia is characteristic of addicts.

“My husband is often out of sorts. Shut up and be silent.

It's no use asking what happened at work.

He just doesn’t know how to express his feelings,” says the wife of an alcoholic who stopped drinking several years ago.

To the question "How do you feel?" alcoholics (as well as their adult children) answer: "Normal." To the question "What do you feel?" they find it difficult to answer. I have to make some effort to get a self-report of his feelings from the alcoholic, at which time I am reminded of the disinhibitory effect of alcohol. Shy, reserved, enslaved people do things under the influence of alcohol that they cannot do when sober. They can become talkative, sociable, they can talk more freely about love and hate.

True, the emotions expressed by an alcoholic who is in a state of intoxication sometimes have nothing to do with the circumstances in which he is. Rather, at this moment, he expresses long-repressed, repressed emotions. These are the feelings he has had for years for himself. Yes, his aggression, hatred, contempt and other difficult experiences directed at this moment outward, on others, can actually be an expression of his own attitude towards himself.

In a sober state, a person may not express his feelings, because he does not know how to do it. It takes work, new skills, a lot of effort to learn how to voice, live and allow yourself to "feel your feelings." And their suppression, repression occurs unconsciously, automatically: it hurt - he squeezed. Muscle tension is used as clamps. One alcoholic said that he felt like a living corpse while sober and more alive when he drank. It is logical: after all, alcohol relieved muscle tension and gave him the opportunity to experience feelings.

Automatically, the alcoholic "lets off steam" on others in an angry manner, he does not control his long-suppressed feelings. In fact, as we have already said, he is angry not with others, but with himself.

Alexithymia is not unique to alcoholics. Many of us either do not know how or find it difficult to express our feelings. Education plays a big role in this. It is believed that boys should not cry: "Don't cry, you're a man." As if tears are not for men, as if they are a sign of weakness. Screaming is allegedly not good either, but for some reason all the children of the world scream when they play in the street. Expressing your feelings with screams, sounds, tears - it's so human! Remember romance?

Oh, if I could express in sound
All the strength of my suffering!
In my soul the torment would subside
And the murmur of doubt subsided.
And I would rest, dear,
Suffering having said it all...

Low self-esteem

No matter how addicted he looks, deep down he does not think anything good about himself.

He does not treat himself as a worthy and valuable person. Alcohol allows you to instantly change the situation. "Yes, you know who I am!" he declares boastfully when he has drunk. In this state, any business is up to him.

The next day, he is ashamed of his behavior, feels embarrassed, perhaps apologizes: “I behaved horribly yesterday.” He regrets his behavior, if, of course, he remembers the boastful statements.

Wives are well aware of this tendency of their husbands and often use it to cultivate an inferiority complex in them. Here I must warn them: by acting in this way, you do not help the patient cope with alcohol problems and further worsen your marital relationship, and also harm your daughter, if she is in the family. A girl can learn that all men are worthless, bad, and not even worth loving. In this case, it is likely that the daughter will have a problem marriage. “But what should I do? Shouldn't you be glad that he drinks? - the wife of the drinking person will object. Of course, do not rejoice, but separate the behavior from the disease of a person. One woman in a codependency recovery program said, “I hate alcohol. I consider alcoholism a terrible disease. But I love my husband." Resent inappropriate behavior, but don't stigmatize your spouse.

4 . Head of the Orthodox Center for the Rehabilitation of Alcoholic and Drug Addicts "Anastasis" at the Holy Dormition Zhirovichi Monastery, Republic of Belarus.

Hieromonk Agapius (Dove). Spiritual roots of addictions. http://www.pravmir.ru/duhovnyie-korni-zavisimostey/

Specialist in the field of family psychology, one of whose members suffers from alcoholism. I had the good fortune to study with JD Voititz.

Moskalenko Valentina Dmitrievna - psychotherapist, psychiatrist-narcologist, clinical geneticist and family psychotherapist, doctor of medical sciences, professor. Leading researcher at the National Scientific Center for Narcology of the Ministry of Health of the Russian Federation. She studied family programs and psychotherapy both in Russia and in the USA (Heselden, Betty Ford Center).

Author of the books Addiction: A Family Disease, When there is too much love. Prevention of love addiction”, “If dad drinks”. Author of over 90 scientific and 150 popular publications on mental health and addiction topics.

The main areas of activity are Personality Psychology, Family Psychology, Relationship Psychology.

Books (4)

Addiction. family disease

The book is devoted to the psychology of dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction) and codependence. Codependency is a psychological state of the patient's family members. Sober relatives of such patients are emotionally involved in this disease. Relatives not only suffer themselves, but also build relationships in the family that prevent the patient from recovering.

Adult children are at high risk of multiple problems: the development of addiction, psychosomatic illnesses, anxiety and depressive conditions, they often enter into a difficult marriage. The patterns of life of such families (dysfunctional family) are described. Codependency is curable. For the first time in Russia, a program to overcome codependency has been proposed. Healing leads to more harmonious relationships in the family, serves as a prevention of addiction in children.

When there is too much love

When there is too much love, the danger of love addiction is great. The basis of happy love is healthy intimate relationships that are not limited to physical intimacy. Intimacy is shared love, the joy of mutual understanding, cooperation, trust, reliability, spiritual growth.

Intimate relationships are not formed overnight. Previous experiences, traumatic childhood events, unstable self-esteem, psychological delusions may interfere. This book will help you get rid of false ideas, unnecessary fears, find the right guidelines in search of love.

Codependency in alcoholism and drug addiction

The book of a well-known specialist, Doctor of Medical Sciences Valentina Dmitrievna Moskalenko, is the most complete and systematic presentation of the concept of codependence in narcological diseases.

The reader will get acquainted with the sources of the formation of codependency, its psychology and psychopathology, its course, and, most importantly, will receive clear and specific ideas about the psychotherapy of codependence and getting rid of it.

The publication is intended not only for doctors - psychiatrists, psychotherapists, narcologists involved in family therapy of patients with alcoholism and drug addiction, but also for people suffering from addiction and codependency themselves.

Anything for the soul?

How much do we need to be happy?

What are the most important human needs, how to preserve the spiritual sovereignty of the individual, what internal resources need to be mobilized (and how to do this) to meet their psychological needs, how to make the family a zone of "psychological comfort" - these and many other questions are answered by the proposed publication.

Reader Comments

Julia/ 03/31/2017 Terrible relationship with her daughter, hatred on her part, grandchildren - ladies, not ladies, and now 6 months in general, since I don’t exist, silence from the children, I don’t exist for them. they became lonely with their grandfather. Now we have neither zhocheri nor vgooks. Alone

Maryam/ 11/16/2016 I really want to place an order. Help

Maryam/ 11/16/2016 10 books. Addiction is a family disease

Alyona/ 07/17/2016 Thank you very much for your help in finding literature on the topic of "codependency"

Irina/ 01/06/2016 "Addiction is a family disease" helped me 5 years ago to understand myself, what is happening around, realize a lot, understand the reasons for many actions, change my life, my attitude to what was happening, maintain health, learn to let go of the unnecessary and protect the main thing, be honest with yourself. Thanks to the author!

nikolay/ 12/22/2015 I won’t even read it - this is not a family for show, but with you?

Christina N./ 4.01.2015 Tatyana, I agree with you that you don't need to get hung up on the "diagnosis of addiction", but you need to change your behavior.
I read articles by Valentina Dmitrievna, excerpts from the book, and I wanted to read the books. I liked that her articles were saturated with love and acceptance, which is even transferred to you when you read it.
Hope I enjoy the books.

Nagima/ 11/15/2014 Dear Valentina Dmitrievna! You can receive your consultation via Skype.

Alina/ 24.08.2014 Thank you, thank you, thank you for the book "addiction is a family disease".

Anastasia/ 22.10.2013 Valentina Dmitrievna - You are awesome!!!
I read your books and feel wild delight :-)
It's all about me, my sisters and our life. How wonderfully everything is laid out on the shelves. Everything falls into place. Thanks!

neonilla/ 07/15/2013 A book that can really change your life. But you need not just read, but work on yourself, this happens automatically, whoever reads this book is already working. Thanks to Valentina Dmitrievna and God.

Vladimir/ 03/29/2013 Excellent book "When there is too much love" Thanks to the author for a wonderful book!! I learned a lot about my family, sister, wife, so the book is useful not only for women but also for men. I will definitely read the rest of your books!

Irina/ 03/22/2013 Your books are a discovery for me. I sit, read and cry ... I learned a lot about myself, my parents and my husband. Thank you very much for your work, I bow to you.

Tatyana/ 03.03.2013 Sevil she has mail
valentinajoy(doggy)mail.ru
I also liked Valentina Moskalenko's books. But I don’t like what looks at everything, just like in all psychology, from the position of inferiority, a person loses the desire to change himself often (. You need to ignore the diagnosis of codependency, but change behavior to adequate.

A well-known psychotherapist, psychiatrist, narcologist, Valentina Dmitrievna Moskalenko is a longtime friend of our editorial staff. It is always a pleasure to communicate with her, she is a very open, friendly conversationalist.

Although our guest today is without a doubt the most prominent specialist in working with addictions and co-dependent behavior, she dismisses titles and regalia. There are no diplomas and certificates in the office: “If you hang everything, there will be nowhere to work, there are too many of these pieces of paper.” It's no joke - 52 years of experience in psychiatry and psychotherapy.

At the same time, Valentina Dmitrievna is constantly studying, improving her skills, undergoing various trainings: “In our profession, it is impossible not to study, you should always be in the know.”

- Tell us how you decided to go into medicine? Influenced by medical parents?

Of course, it's not about the parents. When I was 11 years old, my own sister died of pulmonary tuberculosis. She was 17 years old. As a child, I stood at the coffin, deeply experiencing the loss, feeling deep sympathy for my mother, who suffered greatly, and the following thought came to me: “If I could prevent such a misfortune, save at least one patient from death, I would consider that my life is full of meaning. It was then that I decided that I would be a doctor. And perhaps, at least once in my life, I will be able to prevent such a disaster as happened in our family.

I used to interpret this as some kind of romantic immature thoughts, but now that I have become a psychiatrist and psychologist, I know that there is such a term: early childhood decision. It has the greatest power over a person and, as a rule, is performed. So, Heinrich Schliemann, at the age of 8, after reading the Odyssey, decided to dig up Troy. And dug up. I found it, although it was believed that this was a legend and there was no Troy.

At the age of 14, I entered the Medical and Obstetric School in Donetsk. For the shortest-term department, a two-year one, the department of medical laboratory assistants. I worked, and went to finish my studies at night school, because after the seventh grade then they entered a technical school, and “for stability” I needed the eighth, and the ninth, and the tenth.

Those were years of endurance testing. Work all day, study in the evening. At twelve o'clock at night I came home, and by nine in the morning I was in the laboratory, doing my tests. And so - three years.

Graduated from school. Naturally, further medical school. I was looking for myself in medicine: both gynecology and ophthalmology, therapy, surgery - no, everything is not right, it does not catch. I shared it with others, and they advised me: “Listen, Valentina, you love literature, you like to think about your soul, you need to go to psychiatry.” And psychiatry is taught only in the fifth year. Therefore, in my third year, I decided: “Let me work in a mental hospital as a nurse. I'll try. Since they tell me about psychiatry, I’ll see what kind of contact I have with patients, if I’m scared.

I came to a terrible hospital, but these patients evoked nothing but pity and sympathy from me. They are dirty, aggressive, they sometimes swear obscenely. This did not scare me away, because it is also a disease.

In the institutes, scientific circles were organized in some specialty, and I went to a circle in psychiatry. In the clinic, under the supervision of the head of the department, an experienced psychiatrist, I conducted a hypnosis session, and he said that I was doing well. And then he married me. It was in a mental hospital. (Laughs) She married a psychiatrist. This marriage ended in divorce, but we lived together for five years.

50 years ago, in the USSR, there was no psychology, and purely medical psychiatry developed. Where does your interest in this area come from?

When I was still a young psychiatrist, until the age of thirty, the main idea was to stand firmly "on professional feet." Then, in Soviet times, even the words “money”, “earnings” did not fit in my head. Just be a qualified psychiatrist.

I worked in the regional psychiatric hospital. Yakovenko, already in the Moscow region, and looked closely where to improve her skills. To do this, I willingly attended all sorts of conferences and met with Irina Viktorovna Shakhmatova, an employee of the Institute of Psychiatry in Moscow. At that time, she headed the clinical genetic group at this institute. I told her that I wanted to do residency with them. “Oh, you want to do it? Then here's a task for you: here we have a German book about the inheritance of mental illness - you say you know German? Well, translate this book." Like an entrance ticket to the team. And I took a book, went to the region, worked for one and a half rates, plus taught at a medical college and translated this book at night.

And in parallel, advanced training, residency, postgraduate studies in the specialty "psychiatry" were going on. Then a dissertation. I have been a doctor for 52 years, continuously. Fortunately or unfortunately, I did not have maternity leave, I have no children. So I work absolutely continuously, and in my younger years, the need also forced me to sell my labor force on vacation. So, out of these 52 years, about half is psychiatry: schizophrenia, depression, epilepsy, neurosis - everything that happens in a psychiatric hospital, and then - narcology (alcoholism, drug addiction, genetics of mental illness). But in narcology, psychotherapy occupies a large place, and over the years I have also trained as a psychotherapist. She studied both in Russia and in the United States. There were all sorts of business trips, with trainings and courses - to Czechoslovakia, Poland. And now, in recent years, it has become convenient to study in Russia, fortunately there is someone: both foreign specialists come and their own have grown.

- And why, after you devoted 25 years to one field of activity, did you change it?

By that time, I had already spent many years in research on the genetics of mental illness, defended two dissertations, a Ph.D. and a doctorate, and began to understand something about genetics. At the turn of the 80-90s, a completely new institution was opened in Moscow - the National Scientific Center for Narcology. This center needed a person who would lead research on the genetics of alcoholism. Knowledge of the genetics of schizophrenia and medical genetics in a broad sense allowed me to superimpose my knowledge on the genetics of alcoholism and addictions, because the laws of inheritance of these polygenic diseases, which are caused not by one, but by many genes, are similar. In parallel with the preparation of the dissertation, I studied at the Institute of Medical Genetics, went to lectures, seminars at Moscow State University. Lomonosov. I offered my strength to the newly organized institution.

I had already treated alcoholic psychoses in the Yakovenko hospital, so alcoholism was not alien to me professionally. Maybe it seems to someone that a psychiatrist is one thing, and a narcologist is another, but in fact, the specialty “psychiatrist-narcologist” is necessarily written with a hyphen. And according to the instructions of the Ministry of Health, you cannot be a narcologist if you have not worked as a psychiatrist for two years. There is nothing to do in narcology without knowledge of psychiatry.

- Have you regretted over time that you began to engage in this area?

Vice versa. I opened up more about greater depth than in the field of psychiatry. In narcology, such a depth of patterns has been discovered ... Alcoholism is not just about what a person drinks. There is an opinion among the people that an alcoholic drinks because he wants to drink, and if he didn’t want to, he wouldn’t drink. But in fact, the alcoholic has no choice. But there are also very complex relationships with a person, and such complex distortions, disturbances, dysfunctions in the family .... I used to consider the patient in the context of the family. By the way, if I meet a person and do not know anything about his parental family, then I consider that I do not know this person.

Thank God, I do not work in practical health care, where there is an order of thirty minutes for the primary patient, ten minutes for the second one. I can talk with the patient as much as I want. I don’t spend less than an hour on an appointment, at least when trying to diagnose something. And when trying to treat, when the diagnosis is already clear. That is, I can spend more time and therefore learn more about him and his family environment. This is a fascinating area, and there is still a lot of obscurity in it.

I'm already 77 years old soon, but I'm still interested. How is the family of a drug addict different from another family where there is no drug addict? What is the difference between the wife of an alcoholic and the wife of a non-alcoholic? It is very different, and most importantly - naturally. It can be foreseen, and it can be worked with. And you can help.

- Are you a believer?

Yes, you can say. That is, I am not churched, I go to church from time to time, but I recognize the presence of a higher power in nature. For me it is so blurry, it merges with evolution, with the spirit, with the higher laws of nature. Everything is arranged in some order. I don't imagine God as a person. Although I can look at Christ, communicate. But my God is not anthropometric. High power. Fate.

- Do you think that a person decides his own destiny or that he follows a script written for him by someone?

The scenario of our destiny is written by our ancestors, whom we, unfortunately, do not know. Great-grandfather with great-grandmother, grandparents... that each of them could bring, unconsciously, not on purpose, a piece to your destiny. I see this especially clearly when I analyze pedigrees. I have such a working tool, a genogram, this is a “scheme of the genus” for several generations in depth. It very clearly shows what patterns affect all representatives of the genus.

- It turns out that we can not do anything with this pattern?

No, we can. There is a saying: fate leads the consonant, and drags the dissenting one. If we do not agree: “I don’t give a damn about my ancestors, I will decide everything myself,” then we can have b about bigger problems than if we were to admit it. Pushkin had: "And he lived, not recognizing the power of fate, insidious and blind." Here we must recognize the power of insidious and blind fate over us.

When we recognize the influence of family history on our lives, we treat it with attention and begin to know our destiny, and then this serves us well. We can thank great-grandmother for being just like that. And I, being a great-granddaughter, carry a part of her in me. How she knew how to survive in difficult years! Of course, a lot also depends on our activity. But to live completely regardless of what our ancestors gave us - this cannot be.

On the importance of the family, Pushkin has ingenious (like all of him) lines in the poem “My Genealogy”, where he speaks of love for his native ashes, love for his father’s coffins. In other words, it is about love for one's family. Next comes the statement:

Based on them from the century
By the will of God himself
Human self-
The pledge of his greatness.«

- Do your beliefs often change over the course of your life? How unshakable are you in your ideas about the world?

There is a core of personality, and more secondary things are strung on the core. The core of the personality is rather the power of energy, the power of survival, of resisting difficulties, this value is almost constant. But ideas about the world, of course, are changing. Now I see what my convictions were as a Soviet person - "scoop" "scoop" was a product of its era, its history. This should be explained with an example.

Many Soviet people were brought up in the parameters: strict discipline, obey, do what your parents say. Who is the boss in the house? Come on, go to bed now! Come on, work now! Come on, study! And no deviations. Accordingly, when I got older, the work is above all. I did not doubt the words: "First think about the party, and then - about yourself." None were called! Well, it's a party! Then I began to think. By now, I think about myself first, and then about something else.

These convictions, this Soviet upbringing was manifested in everything. Once I was driving around Moscow in a car with American psychotherapist Jimma Holland to Sheremetyevo Airport. We went to meet her husband, who then, in 1973, worked in Moscow as an oncologist, but flew to New York for 2-3 days on his professional business: he changed jobs, went to negotiations.

We are going with this Jimmy to the airport. She had a big car, like a Gazelle, and between her, the driver, and me, the passenger, sits her seven-year-old son Peter. Peter somehow reaches for the steering wheel, wants to play with it. I tensed up, thought: “Well, it’s impossible for a child, it’s dangerous to climb to the steering wheel.” Jimma is silent, says nothing. And he climbs. When we drove for quite a long time, she only said to him: “Thank you, my sweetie, no more help. You already helped me."

This gentle treatment of children, without screaming, without indignation, was then at least incomprehensible. Maybe some sharpness and submission to duty helped me to study well, to work hard. But, probably, in relations with people this is not very good. It seemed to me that I was tolerant with people, but not to the extent that a child at the wheel was allowed to make all sorts of body movements. And in terms of duty, priorities - everything has changed.

- Valentina Dmitrievna, tell us what you are doing now?

As part of the rehabilitation department of the National Scientific Center for Addictions, I work with patients and their families. Mostly they come with alcoholism and drug addiction, more and more patients with gambling and computer addiction, very rarely - with food addiction and, sometimes, with anorexia nervosa.

I write articles, popular and scientific. Popular for magazines, for example, Our Psychology. There is also such a magazine - "Independence of the Personality", it is popular, but not superficially amateurish. Well, for professional journals: "Narcology", "Issues of Narcology", "Mental Health", "Psychotherapy".

I am still writing a book, however, very slowly, it has not yet “cooked” in my head. My previous book, Addiction: A Family Disease, has already gone through six editions, all sold out, now I need to attend to a reprint. Signals come to me from St. Petersburg, Novosibirsk, Moscow - well, nowhere. Recently I was approached with a request to publish this book in the journal "Psychotherapy", in fragments. Naturally, I agreed, it is a great honor for me.

I consult at the Institute of Psychotherapy and Clinical Psychology.

How do you build relationships with colleagues? Do you participate in the life of the scientific community or keep more to yourself?

Of course, without participation in scientific communities it is impossible. I worked in the clinic for a long time, led teams, taught young people. In recent years, I have been somewhat unsettled by coronary heart disease and the need to undergo two operations, after which it is difficult to run the usual distances.

I remain a member of the Society of Neurologists and Psychiatrists, the Professional Psychotherapeutic League. Moreover, I have a need for professional communication. When I am away from work for a long time, I am drawn there. Scientific work is always a team work. We have so-called departmental conferences. A conference means that a young doctor reads out a case history, which he had previously been preparing for a long time, maybe a week or two. Everything tells about the patient, then the patient is invited. And a large number of doctors, about ten people, are sitting, everyone is asking questions to the patient, clarifying. Then the patient is removed, and the discussion begins. How a person leads, how a disease develops, prognosis, treatment, we discuss all this. Such a conference has a leader. For a long time I led such conferences, and young people say that it was very interesting to listen there. That's what teamwork is all about, it's a very useful thing. I myself once studied at such conferences in my youth, but now I lead them. Sometimes.

What else are you interested in besides work?

Floriculture is my passionate hobby. Today I ordered roses, and I expect to receive exactly the rose I want in April. When you come to the store in April, there may be a million of them, but the one you need is not! So, while I was making an order, I studied the catalogs and did not sleep for two nights until two or three hours. I didn’t do anything anymore, but my brain excites this hobby so much and gives me such energy that I just can’t fall asleep!

By the way, about what else I love - here is the lace of my work. (Valentina Dmitrievna points to a luxurious tablecloth decorated with handmade lace). And in general I have a lot of lace, I even participated in an art exhibition.

Well, my hobbies are floriculture, lace making, visiting theaters. Previously, there was a passion for travel, now health does not allow. I had a heart attack after flying in an airplane, and I told myself that aviation was over.

On our portal, the theme of the month is the ability to work and the ability to rest. How do you determine for yourself the moment when you need to give yourself time to rest?

Previously, it was hard to notice this: the work was of an overvalued nature. And now the views have changed, work is one of the components of life, but not the whole life. When a sign, a signal - fatigue or something I want - I stop work and switch to something. At my age, they already say that a person is on a well-deserved rest. I haven't even taken a well deserved break yet. While I'm working.

- And when do you plan to stop working so actively?

I don't plan. As long as I have strength, I will work. It's just interesting to me. Here is Jimma Holland, whom we met recently at a seminar in Moscow, 40 years later, 10 years older than me. I say: “How did you decide on such a trip, it’s very tiring!” She replies: "I like it, I love it."

There is no other answer. I love it. I love my job and I love my hobbies.

Interviewed by Veronika Zayets

When republishing materials from the Matrony.ru website, a direct active link to the source text of the material is required.

Since you are here...

… we have a small request. The Matrona portal is actively developing, our audience is growing, but we do not have enough funds for the editorial work. Many topics that we would like to raise and that are of interest to you, our readers, remain uncovered due to financial constraints. Unlike many media, we deliberately do not make a paid subscription, because we want our materials to be available to everyone.

But. Matrons are daily articles, columns and interviews, translations of the best English-language articles about family and upbringing, these are editors, hosting and servers. So you can understand why we are asking for your help.

For example, is 50 rubles a month a lot or a little? A cup of coffee? Not much for a family budget. For Matron - a lot.

If everyone who reads Matrona supports us with 50 rubles a month, they will make a huge contribution to the development of the publication and the emergence of new relevant and interesting materials about a woman’s life in the modern world, family, raising children, creative self-realization and spiritual meanings.

10 comment threads

2 thread replies

0 followers

Most reacted comment

Hottest comment thread

new old popular

Moskalenko Valentina Dmitrievna, a psychotherapist and psychiatrist-narcologist, calls codependency a family disease. Codependency is a condition in which a person is completely focused on the problems of a loved one, while forgetting about their own needs.

As a result, he may refuse normal food, rest and satisfaction of other vital needs in favor of the interests of a person close to him.

Codependency - what is it?

Some psychotherapists consider codependency as a disease, but V.D. Moskalenko looks at this problem differently. According to her point of view, codependency is a psychological condition that brings suffering and serious consequences for a person.

In accordance with psychotherapeutic terminology, codependency can be called a pathology of personality development. In everyday life, it is often mistaken for a special human psychology that can complicate both his life and the lives of his loved ones.

The working definition of codependence adopted by V.D.
Moskalenko, says that a co-dependent person is so worried about the problems of a loved one (relative or friend) that he neglects to satisfy his needs, which are vital. Thus, codependency forces a person to abandon himself and live with the problems of another. For example, the wife of an alcoholic cannot sleep well, her blood pressure rises, hypertension develops, and many other diseases caused by a constant excited state. The husband's alcoholism comes to the fore for the woman, while she refuses to rest and eat for herself. An alcoholic is dependent on alcohol, and his relatives are co-dependent with him when they put his problem above their own primary needs.

Who is more likely to suffer from codependency?

V.D. Moskalenko admits that at the beginning of the scientific study of codependency, she considered this condition an indispensable companion of addiction. That is, if there is a person in the family who suffers from alcoholism or another kind of addiction, then all family members, in turn, suffer from codependence.

This phenomenon is quite widespread in the domestic society, which is most likely associated with the spread of alcoholism, drug addiction, gambling and other harmful and asocial addictions. However, codependency can also manifest itself in those families in which there are no people suffering from addiction. Therefore, treatment for such a condition is necessary not only for relatives of dependent people. Similar situations arise with those people who were brought up in socially repressive families, where the expression of all the feelings of the child was forbidden.
Crying and tears in children are natural manifestations that are the main channels for removing feelings. That is, with the help of screams and tears, children show their feelings. However, some families do not allow children to do this. In most families, it is not customary to ask the child about his feelings, the parents' concerns are reduced to providing the child with material benefits and worrying about his school performance.

Household culture is a determining factor in the formation of codependence. V.D. Moskalenko argues that in families that suffer from poverty, all members are codependent. At the same time, feelings with a negative connotation predominate in a codependent person. Each feeling from the entire spectrum that a person is able to feel is useful in a given situation, however, the predominance of some feelings over others indicates a violation of a person’s mental health.

Feelings of codependency

A codependent person experiences mostly fear and anxiety. In families in which one of its members is an alcoholic, the lifestyle is chaotic, you never know what can be expected from a person subject to addiction. This causes anxiety and fear of the future. Often codependents become victims of the aggression of an alcoholic or drug addict. At the same time, codependents feel anger or even hatred towards a family member, which prompts them to also show aggression and scandals to loved ones in order to encourage them to quit the habit. However, this method never leads to the beginning of addiction treatment.

In co-dependent people, the threshold for tolerating mental pain increases. Even before marriage, the wife of an alcoholic would hardly have agreed to live in the conditions that this family disease causes. However, she can resignedly live in marriage for more than a dozen years and at the same time endure all the physical and mental anguish that her husband causes her. This is due to the increased tolerance of emotional pain.
It is possible to draw a parallel between the growth of tolerance in codependents with the growth of tolerance in dependent people. Tolerance in narcology is usually called endurance to certain doses of a substance on which a person is dependent. If we are talking about alcoholism, then a person suffering from it can drink more and more alcohol and still not get drunk. This phenomenon is called the growth of tolerance. While the alcoholic's tolerance grows, his codependent relatives increase the threshold of tolerance for emotional pain.

In a codependent person, negative emotions overlap positive ones. This causes suffering not only to himself, but also to all his close circle. Irritability appears, life becomes bleak.

Why does codependency occur?

The main reason for the development of codependency is low self-esteem. Self-esteem is formed in children under 6 years of age. For full self-esteem, it is necessary for the child to feel that his parents value him and love him with unconditional love, that is, not because he obeys, eats well, or other actions, but simply because he is. If the child does not feel this, then he gets the impression that he is not very important, therefore, in adulthood, his needs go by the wayside.

A person who has low self-esteem may behave arrogantly and arrogantly, increasing his own importance by humiliating others. Low self-esteem causes an increased interest in the opinions of other people. A person does not consider himself as worthy as others.

Adequate self-esteem means that a person considers himself no worse than others, but also no better than others. Those with low self-esteem try to earn praise, so they are often the best students and employees, as they try to earn good marks for their behavior.

To restore healthy self-esteem, a person simply needs to believe that he is as worthy as others, simply because he was born. It can be difficult to deal with this on your own. However, to get rid of many negative consequences, including codependency, treatment of low self-esteem is necessary.

Controlling behavior of codependents

V.D. Moskalenko argues that controlling behavior is inherent in the vast majority of domestic families. It can manifest itself in the fact that the wife of an alcoholic monitors him to prevent drinking. However, it can also manifest itself in other ways.
Controlling behavior is the desire of a person to impose his will on another person. This phenomenon occurs because codependent people live with the problems of others, so they strive to fully live the life of another person.

Such attempts to control the life of another person arise from the fact that the codependent is trying to feel stronger than he really is, fulfilling his duties and the duties of his dependent loved one.

Codependents need to display controlling behaviors, as this gives them the illusion of security and power.

In addition, relatives of an addicted person often claim that their relative could not have done without them, that they saved him. This belief creates the illusion that the dependent person needs their codependent relative. In this way, codependents try to fill the void from the lack of self-love.

Family disease treatment

Codependency is called a family disease, not because codependents are relatives of dependent people. The root of this condition lies in the parental family, codependency is laid in childhood. Treatment of codependence is possible only with the help of an experienced specialist: a psychologist, psychiatrist, psychoanalyst.

Codependency does not appear because the husband becomes an alcoholic. Codependency is inherent in a woman in early childhood. As a rule, dependent and co-dependent people subconsciously choose each other. Therefore, wives of alcoholics should not blame their husbands for their codependence, it is necessary to realize that the predisposition to its development was the reason why she chose an alcoholic or a man who later became an alcoholic as her husband.

Treatment will include behavior modification. It cannot be cured on its own, since controlling behavior is a human need. You cannot get rid of the need, you can only learn to satisfy it by other methods.

Thus, codependency treatment is necessary, otherwise the life of the codependent will be bleak and full of suffering. In a family in which parents are dependent and co-dependent, children will grow up with tendencies to these conditions. Codependency affects a person no less detrimentally than addiction, so its treatment is no less important.

Thanks for the feedback

Comments

Megan92 () 2 weeks ago

Has anyone managed to save her husband from alcoholism? Mine drinks without drying up, I don’t know what to do ((I thought of getting a divorce, but I don’t want to leave the child without a father, and I feel sorry for my husband, he’s a great person when he doesn’t drink

Daria () 2 weeks ago

I have already tried so many things and only after reading this article, I managed to wean my husband from alcohol, now he doesn’t drink at all, even on holidays.

Megan92 () 13 days ago

Daria () 12 days ago

Megan92, so I wrote in my first comment) I will duplicate it just in case - link to article.

Sonya 10 days ago

Isn't this a divorce? Why sell online?

Yulek26 (Tver) 10 days ago

Sonya, what country do you live in? They sell on the Internet, because shops and pharmacies set their markup brutal. In addition, payment is only after receipt, that is, they first looked, checked and only then paid. And now everything is sold on the Internet - from clothes to TVs and furniture.

Editorial response 10 days ago

Sonya, hello. This drug for the treatment of alcohol dependence is indeed not sold through the pharmacy chain and retail stores in order to avoid overpricing. Currently, you can only order official website. Be healthy!

Sonya 10 days ago

Sorry, I didn't notice at first the information about the cash on delivery. Then everything is in order for sure, if the payment is upon receipt.

Margo (Ulyanovsk) 8 days ago

Has anyone tried folk methods to get rid of alcoholism? My father drinks, I can not influence him in any way ((

Andrey () A week ago

ADDICTION: A FAMILY ILLNESS

V.D. Moskalenko

The book is devoted to the psychology of dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction) and codependency. Codependency is a psychological state of the patient's family members. Sober relatives of such patients are emotionally involved in this disease. Relatives not only suffer themselves, but also build relationships in the family that prevent the patient from recovering. Wives, mothers, brothers, sisters, adult children and even grandchildren of an alcoholic or drug addict suffer from codependence. Patients themselves are also characterized by signs of codependence before the development of the disease or after the onset of sobriety. Co-dependent parents cannot successfully fulfill their parental functions, children suffer. There is a repetition of undesirable events in the family. Adult children are at high risk of multiple problems: the development of addiction, psychosomatic illnesses, anxiety and depressive conditions, they often enter into a difficult marriage. The patterns of life of such families (dysfunctional family) are described. Codependency is curable. For the first time in Russia, a program to overcome codependency has been proposed. Healing leads to more harmonious relationships in the family, serves as a prevention of addiction in children. The book is written in a language accessible to relatives and friends of patients. At the same time, the book can be a guide for psychologists, psychotherapists, narcologists, psychiatrists, social workers in working with patients and their families.

"Life with an alcoholic is like a war. Moving through shelled terrain. If you run a few meters, you will fall. And you never know what will happen tomorrow. And even tonight

So the wives of alcoholics are a separate social stratum, they can be combined into a special group or species.

V. Tokareva. The story "Five figures on a pedestal"

Annotation for readers

Are any of your relatives ill with alcoholism, drug addiction? Perhaps you are the granddaughter of an already deceased grandfather who suffered from this ailment? Are you or your friend married to an alcoholic or drug addict? Maybe your loved one drinks? You can't be in a close relationship with an alcoholic and remain emotionally detached from the problem, can you?

The book can help you recover from codependency (a condition that inevitably develops in those who live near the patient), improve the quality of your life and the life of the whole family, and contribute to the recovery of the patient. Overcoming codependency is the best prevention of various problems in children.

The book is intended for a wide range of readers, as well as for psychologists, psychotherapists, narcologists, social workers and other professionals who help people. An absolutely essential book for wives of alcoholic husbands.

Part 1. DEPENDENCE

Alcoholism is a family disease

Dependence on psychoactive substances (alcoholism, drug addiction, substance abuse) is a family disease. Firstly, it can occur in several members of the same family, be passed down from generation to generation (for example, affect both father and son, several brothers and sisters, be traced to more distant relatives). Of course, this is not inevitable, therefore, in each such family, along with the sick, there are healthy people in this respect (Moskalenko V.D., Shevtsov A.V., 2000).

Secondly, even if there is only one alcoholic in the family, then all its other members suffer psychologically. It is simply impossible to live near an alcoholic and not be emotionally involved in his illness. The mental state of relatives of addicts is referred to as codependence.

Relatives of patients suffer no less, and sometimes even more (because they do not drink and endure their pain without alcohol anesthesia) than the patients themselves. For patients, there is a network of narcological dispensaries and hospitals, private medical institutions also deal with them. And where can a relative of the patient turn for help, for example, the wife of an alcoholic? Only in some medical institutions there are specialists who pay attention to relatives. Often, medical institutions are limited to only a brief consultation of a relative.

I believe that relatives are entitled to special assistance. In this book, I offer a similar program of assistance. This book is devoted to a detailed description of the manifestations of codependency, as well as its overcoming, i.e. recovery from codependency.

How many families in Russia suffer from alcoholism or drug addiction of their close relative? There is no exact scientific data on this issue. A population census taking into account such a feature as dependence on psychoactive substances of a family member was not conducted. But we can get an idea of the size of the phenomenon under discussion by indirect evidence.

How many alcoholics are there in Russia? No less than in other developed countries. How many are there in other countries? It has been reported that 10% of men and 3% of women over the age of 15 suffer from alcoholism. I think these are conservative numbers. At a lecture on alcoholism that I listened to while on an internship in the USA, I heard that 15% of the US population as a whole (without gender division) suffer from alcoholism.

In the scientific literature on the prevalence of alcoholism in Russia, I came across the following data: from 7 to 11% of the adult population are ill with alcoholism (Minevich V.B., 1990).

Other, non-scientific sources indicate that 20-40% of the population suffers from alcoholism (from the television program "Health").

The main thing, with which, I think, the reader will not argue, is that there is a lot of alcoholism and its frequency does not decrease over the years, but grows. As for drug addiction, it is growing very fast. Families suffer from both alcoholism and drug addiction. In my practice, the only differences are that in case of alcoholism of one of the family members, wives, adult children come to the doctor, and in case of drug addiction of a family member, mainly parents, less often wives. Drug addicts in Russia have not yet had many children.

I asked the teachers if they knew how many students in the class had either parent with alcoholism. Teachers said they knew such families. And they called the figure 5-6 students out of 30 people in the class. We can conclude that every 5-6th family suffers from alcoholism of one of the parents. This is at least. Alcoholism is a disease that people tend to hide.

The American author D. Goodwin also writes about a similar frequency of families affected by alcoholism of a relative (Goodwin D., W., 1988). Every 6th family, consisting of parents and children, in the United States suffers from alcoholism of one of their members. If we take into account larger families consisting of three generations, then someone is ill with alcoholism in every 3rd such family. There can be no fewer such families in Russia.