How to set a goal correctly and achieve it. Basic provisions

Have you thought about how to set goals for yourself? Why does it depend on how they are formed whether they will be fulfilled or not? There are many techniques for setting tasks and tools for completing them, but few talk about how the correct formulation will affect its implementation. In this article we will find out what effect correctly set tasks have on the brain.

I propose to look at the example of one of the training participants, her name is Alla. So, during the training, Alla set herself a task for the next 11 days and formulated it like this:Toning your body means healthy eating, regular fitness, and a physically active lifestyle.

When setting the task correctly, we send the brain a signal and instructions for action. Alla's wording contains a signal, but no instructions. Her task is completely lacking in specifics. The brain seemed to accept it, but there will be no further action, since it simply does not know what to do. The next day you will do everything you did before setting the goal and nothing new.

Our brain needs specifics.

Imagine that you are going to a meeting with a business partner: in order to conclude a deal with him, you have a clear goal. You know what you want from your future partner. This can be expressed in money, actions, goods. We do not offer him successful cooperation throughout his life, but go with specific numbers and tasks. This is how the brains of the partners with whom we are going to collaborate work, we accept it and adapt.

Now imagine that you are your own partner with whom you need to make a deal. Will you go to your place with the task of leading a healthy lifestyle? This may be a topic for communication in which you will look for specific actions, but not the solution itself.

After the 1st lesson, Alla received a number of recommendations that allowed her to formulate her task as follows:

1. 7.20-7.40 morning exercises. On weekends, replace exercise with jogging or a more extended set of exercises.
2. Nutrition: keep a daily food diary in the Fatsecret application: proteins - 80-100g, fats - 40g, carbohydrates -100g, total no more than 1200 kcal
3. Fitness: Mon. — 30-40 minutes on a treadmill with a maximum incline, Wed. — 45-60 min. strength exercises, Thu. — 45-60 min. stretching.

In what case does Alla have a better chance of achieving her plans? Of course, in the second, she now knows what to do for a healthy lifestyle.

The completion of the task depends on the correct formulation. Your brain needs instructions.

When looking at the task, you must understand:

• What are you going to do?
• How will you do this?
• How long will you do this?

Clarify your goals with these questions and use measurable metrics. In the comments I will post examples of the correct wording of tasks, you can also write your own task, I will check the wording and give feedback. In the next article we will look at how goals and objectives differ. Now many people confuse these concepts. Instead of tasks, they set goals, or instead of goals, they set tasks.

• Listen, are we going to give the gift now or later?
• What are we going to give?
• Like what? - Alyosha didn’t understand. -What you said. “He patted the bag lovingly with his foot.
• Alyosha. - Lyubava grabbed her head with her hands. - What have you done?! When I talked about “Whack Yuli on the head, put him in a bag and give it to the Prince of Kyiv,” I expressed myself figuratively!
• Well, it was necessary to specify what you are expressing figuratively. - he retorted calmly. Now we will give it away.

Health

Despite our sincere attempts, many of us fail to keep the promises we make to ourselves: to lose extra pounds, quit smoking, save money or be nice to our significant other in the new year. And although almost 90 percent of promises are never fulfilled, in the new year we again set some goals for ourselves.

In 2002 in the magazine American Psychologist a scientist's note appeared Janet Polivy from the University of Toronto. She and her colleagues gave a name to the phenomenon in which people, after many unsuccessful attempts to do something, set new goals for themselves - "false hope syndrome"

False hope syndrome often affects people who intend to lose weight. This is due to the fact that they set unrealistic goals for themselves, and also do not correctly understand their own behavior. Most experts agree that the best way to actually change your behavior and avoid falling victim to false hope syndrome is to get it out of your head.

Understanding Your Behavior: Are You Achieving What You Write About?

"Instead of going on a diet, keep a food diary"- says the doctor Dr. Christopher Mosunic, director of the Weight Loss and Diabetes Center at Greenwich Hospital in Connecticut. “You can keep such a diary not only when you have a goal to lose extra pounds, but also under any other circumstances.” Dr. Mosunik also added that he has been keeping such a diary for ten years. “When we write down our thoughts and plans, we subconsciously eliminate exaggeration.”

For example, a dieter punishes himself for eating a couple of cookies and then feels bad afterward. This only increases the likelihood of emotional eating. If he makes a small entry in his diary about the sweets he ate, this will allow him to look at things realistically. When you write something like "a few cookies isn't that bad", you won't feel like you failed.

Caitlin Mason, a scientist at the Fred Hutchinson Cancer Research Center in Seattle, believes that keeping a food diary also helps you understand what you are doing right. “A journal helps you see positive changes and also helps you identify what is stopping you from achieving your desired goal.”

Regular handwritten diaries and online journals are equally effective for both sexes, says Mosunik. Among other things, there are good programs for mobile phones that can also help those who are struggling with excess weight. At the same time, it does not matter how long you keep such a diary. You can carry on with it for the rest of your life.

Unattainable Goals

Many of the unrealistic goals and promises we set for ourselves in the new year are doomed to fail from the very beginning. Unfortunately, almost all promises fall into this category. Those who are trying to lose weight either aim to lose too much or too quickly, which is actually physically impossible to do.

Undefined, vague goals bring many problems. “You need to be able to set a goal correctly; the promise of “losing weight” is too vague,” says Mason.

People who are hoping their waist size will finally shrink should set themselves small, clear goals, such as replacing a can of soda with a bottle of plain water at lunch, or going for a 20-minute walk on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays. . Although you won't get immediate results, making small healthy changes in your life can make achieving your goal achievable.

“Small but sustainable changes will ultimately lead to big results!”– Mason explains.

According to Polivy's research, The way those losing weight set their goals can greatly affect the likelihood of achieving them. Many people promise to quit or stop doing something in the New Year, but psychologists believe that it would be better to formulate these goals in a positive way. For example, it is better to tell yourself: "I will eat more fruit", how "I will NOT eat chocolate."

Finally, by setting realistic goals and following positive changes that move you closer to achieving results, you can turn New Year's resolutions to yourself into reality, and then enjoy the fact that you are achieving your goals.

Most people fail to achieve their goals because they never really put them first. (Denis Whately, psychologists trainer in the field of mental capabilities)

Everyone has heard about the need to set goals since childhood. This advice has become so familiar that it is no longer perceived as useful. And the need for goal setting eventually loses its relevance for most.

But really, why set goals for yourself? Is a goal capable of making our lives better, and ourselves at least a little happier?

American writer Chuck Palahniuk once said: “If you don’t know what you want, you’ll end up with something you definitely don’t want.” A clear awareness of what we really need allows us to take concrete steps to get what we want. A life in which there are goals becomes meaningful and fulfilling, and achievements, even the most modest ones, bring moral satisfaction and quite tangible material results.

In fact, any person sets goals, even unconscious and illusory ones. Many people like to talk about what they would like to have, what they would like to change in their environment and in themselves. Some are not satisfied with their physical condition, others would like to devote more time to loved ones and favorite activities, others dream of a career and material well-being. But at the same time, few take it upon themselves to clearly formulate what exactly they want, what needs to be done for this and what paths should be taken to achieve the desired result.

Often people are simply afraid to make plans and set clearly defined goals for themselves. You know the saying: “If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.” It was probably invented by an incorrigible fatalist, not accustomed to taking responsibility for himself and his life.

Indeed, why plan and dream something when our whole life depends on the circumstances we find ourselves in and is full of obstacles and difficulties? It seems a much easier solution to simply wait for something good to “happen.” But for some reason this good thing “happens” extremely rarely. The result is a sea of ​​negative emotions and dissatisfaction with one’s own fate.

But a person who sets clear goals for himself lives differently: he perceives difficulties and obstacles on the path to his dream not as fatal bad luck, but as interesting tasks that can be realistically solved and move on. His life is filled with bright impressions, he is proud of himself and his achievements. From a passive extra, he turns into a director and builder of his own destiny.

To make sure that setting goals really helps make life better, let's try to formulate what specific benefits reasonable goal setting can provide.

1. Control of the situation

The comparison of human life to a fast river flow is not new, but it is quite clear. Imagine that you need to cross from one bank of a river to the other. A person who does not have a goal surrenders himself to the power of the flow of events and waits for the current to take him somewhere. Of course, ideally he would like to get to the other shore, but everything depends on the circumstances, i.e. depending on where the river takes him.

A person who is clearly aware of his goal - to get to a specific place on the opposite bank - will make every effort to get closer to the intended point: fight the current, row with all his might, calculate the trajectory of movement, etc. Which of these two do you think has a better chance of reaching the opposite shore? Undoubtedly, the one who strives to control the situation as much as possible in accordance with a clearly defined goal.

2. The meaning of life

This may make some people smile, but clearly defined goals really help you find meaning in your life. And not only due to the fact that a person knows exactly where to go. If everyday life turns from expectation into a path on which every step brings us closer to something concrete and definite, it cannot be called empty.

At the same time, every moment of existence acquires meaning, which makes the dream a little more real and closer, because the meaning of life is not so much in the result, but in the process. You yourself will be surprised what new emotions and unexpected pleasant surprises await you on this road, what opportunities will open up for you when implementing even such simple plans as daily walking, becoming slim, mastering the intricacies of sewing or knitting, or learning a foreign language. The only thing you lose by clearly defining tasks for yourself is the feeling that your life is wasted.

3. Productivity

By clearly articulating what exactly you want to achieve, you can identify individual tasks along the way to achieving your goal. Many of them will be quite feasible to solve in the very near future, and some – right now. Instead of abstract dreams, you will move on to concrete actions, step by step you will overcome specific difficulties and solve specific problems - which means you will really begin to move in the right direction and get tangible results almost immediately.

4. Self-confidence and enthusiasm

By solving clearly defined problems, you can easily evaluate the results of your efforts. For clarity, it is useful to record your achievements in the form of a table or graph - this way you can be sure at any time that your actions are bringing tangible results. This inspires and gives strength to move on.

Of course, you can keep notes in a regular notepad or in a file on your computer. But it’s much more convenient to do this with the help of our service, designed specifically to help anyone clearly formulate their goals and make a plan to achieve them. Our specialist coaches and community members will help you not to stop halfway, who will definitely find words of support, advise you on how to increase motivation, and, of course, rejoice with you in your new successes. By the way, recognition of your achievements by other people is a truly powerful source of increasing self-esteem and gaining confidence in yourself.

Such a system of compiling mini-reports and recording intermediate results will clearly demonstrate that you are really capable of a lot and will help you analyze what else is worth working on. Even one realized goal will make you understand that dreams can come true, you just have to put in the effort. The fear of making “massive plans” and doubts about one’s own abilities will give way to calm confidence and the desire to solve new problems.

5. Realization of the “impossible”

Dreams that seemed completely unattainable turn from castles in the air into real projects that are quite possible to realize. To do this, you just need to correctly determine which small steps can ultimately lead to your goal, identify intermediate tasks - and consistently work according to the plan. At the same time, to obtain results, perseverance and daily work are much more important than a flight of inspiration or a one-time “breakthrough” at the limit of one’s capabilities. And such a dubious thing as luck generally fades into the background.

6. “Feeling of deep satisfaction”

Jokes aside, clearly setting goals allows you to really achieve a lot in life and, most importantly, realize your successes and fully receive satisfaction from what you have achieved.

This is confirmed by numerous studies, as well as examples from the lives of famous successful personalities. People who purposefully move towards certain results rightfully feel proud of their achievements and strive for new ones. Why don't you follow their example?

7. Self-realization

Sometimes a person is not even aware of his capabilities and talents. Day after day, almost mechanically performing familiar actions, solving problems “as they arise,” he is confident that he is simply not capable of more.

The desired goal helps to expand the boundaries of routine existence, to get out of the so-called “comfort zone” - after all, you have to do something unusual every day, learn something new, and therefore change and develop, realize the hidden potential inherent in everyone.

Non-standard solutions necessary for the full implementation of our plans, meeting new people who can inspire or teach us something, the joy of realizing one’s own strengths and abilities - all this and much more becomes possible for a person working to make his dream come true.

They usually plan to start a new life (new job, new relationship) in the new year. This is the maximum. At a minimum, they start a new life every six months or, for those who are especially diligent, on a new Monday - that is, never... Come to work on time, improve relationships with colleagues, change your style to a more businesslike one...

With what enthusiasm we begin new transformations! And how long it doesn’t last us... How to set goals so as not to lose energy to achieve them?

It’s as clear as two or two that in order to achieve something, you need to set a goal. It's very simple: you set a goal and achieve it. And here in the process you need effort, time, commitment...

To learn how to set and achieve goals, you need to consider the following.

1. Formulate the goal in the form of a positive statement

This should not sound like, for example, “I don’t want to work for someone forever,” but “I want to be the owner of my own business.”

Most of us have trouble achieving our goals because we haven't clearly defined where we want to go. And luck comes to those who have a clear picture in their mind of what the end result will be.

To the clink of New Year's glasses, you swear by your teddy bear: “I will never eat cakes and pastries/drink alcohol again,” “I will no longer be angry with my spouse,” “I will stop spending on all sorts of nonsense.”

These New Year's resolutions weren't really about... what do you want to become, - they were about what you don't want to be. That is, you did not set specific goals, but simply conducted a dialogue with yourself, denying your current present. You were thinking about what you wanted to avoid, not about the end goal.

So let’s remember the unshakable rule - you need to set goals for yourself only in an affirmative form: “I will...”, “I will learn...”, "I will become...", "I choose". If you formulate your goal correctly, your subconscious desire for success will help you achieve it.

2. We break the goal into intermediate stages and write them down

For example: I want to learn to drive a car.

1. I'm signing up for a driving course,
2. I am hiring a private instructor,
3. I teach myself “Road Rules” and the internal structure of a car.

We break the first goal into even smaller ones:

• I start saving a certain amount to pay for courses;
• I write down when it is more convenient for me to go to classes, where it is more convenient for me to go and what I need to wear for this;
• I buy a newspaper with advertisements and call the numbers that have aroused my interest;
• I am looking for advertisements on the Internet;
• I’m asking everyone I know about high-quality and inexpensive courses.

Write everything down in detail on a large white sheet of paper with multi-colored arrows and hang it in a visible place: on the door of your room or above the bed.

Be sure to describe your goals. Remember that a pen, a piece of paper and the words lined up in a chain on this piece of paper have much more power than just yours. Visual goals will give you the courage to complete the task; they will always help you clearly know how close you are to the goal, and how much further you need to go.

Plan your success, write your own script - this is a very important point in achieving success!

3. We accept responsibility for this decision.

Remember that the implementation of the goal, or rather, its achievement, lies only with you - entirely and completely.

So think again - do you really want this with all your heart? Not for your husband, boss, sponsor, girlfriend or mother, but for yourself? Otherwise, the effort expended may turn out to be a new contribution to the treasury of your failed endeavors.

You have to ask yourself the question: "What do I really want?", “What do I really need?”.

And don’t say that you haven’t decided yet and don’t know for sure. In fact, if you give yourself the trouble to think, then you will definitely feel what you really need. At some deep, subconscious level, we always know what we need.

You have realized your goals - now make a decision. If you don’t do this now, at this very moment, then someone else will make a decision for you. And it’s not a fact that this will be what you need.

4. We anticipate the possibility of unfavorable developments and predict our actions in this situation

Don't expect failure, but be prepared for it. Consider all possible obstacles on the way to your goal, external and internal factors that may hinder you. Always remember that there is no failure - there is only experience that you gain.

You are moving forward, so you will make a lot of mistakes and often - but those who are left behind can relax and rest on the laurels of no mistakes (and no success).

5. Imagine achieving your goal as vividly as possible

Engage your hearing, sight, taste, touch, smell...

So – a visual embodiment of your success. What do you see? A deserted sandy beach, sea waves licking your bare heels, the wind carries the scent of heavenly flowers - if you dream of a personal island, then you must imagine your goal this way, visibly.

You understand - the goal, or rather its implementation, embodiment must be imagined in as much detail as possible, with all the smallest details, nuances and details.

6. Determine your benefits

One of the most common mistakes made when setting goals is set too high peaks or too many goals at once.

This does not mean that you should put limits on your desires - you can get everything you want and achieve what you dream of. It's about something else. Your goals are not promises that fate gives you, your goals are your obligations. And if you want to become a director of a company, first, at least learn how to manage people.

The most cherished dreams and goals are born not in the head, but in the heart. But you will never be sincerely committed to your goal until the benefits that you will receive by realizing it are clearly clear to you.

For example, having learned to drive a car, you will become free to move; having mastered the English language, you will be able to feel relaxed abroad.

So, in order to remain enthusiastic and persistent in achieving your goal, you need to be specific about the benefits you will receive from your efforts.

7. We believe with all our hearts that the goal will be achieved

Never allow yourself to doubt this. Try to behave in everyday life as if you had already achieved your goal and possessed what you could only dream of.

How to set goals for yourself

This chapter is about a happiness strategy based on choosing one or more important goals and devoting time and energy to achieving them. Obviously, there are as many ways to achieve a goal as there are goals themselves. But research shows that the most successful "achievers" have several common traits. I've developed a series of suggestions (see below) to help you create and follow a goal-achieving program.

Choose Your Goals Wisely (Part 1)

As we said in the previous section, striving for goals that we have chosen ourselves, that are authentic, formulated positively, do not contradict each other, require active action and remain flexible and realistic, brings more happiness than striving for external, imposed ones. formulated negatively, contradictory, dependent on circumstances and too rigid goals. These findings are based on decades of scientific research. So first, consider your most important goals and aspirations 18 .

"My most important goals"

Instructions. Please think about goals that are currently important to you or have been important to you recently. “Goals” are intentions, desires and aspirations. Write down one to eight of your most important goals below.

Now - for each of the goals written above - check which attributes it has from those listed in the left column, and which attributes from those listed on the right.

If any of the aspects listed on the right apply to your goals, you may need to reconsider them: change them or reduce their priority. For example, if you find that your goals at work are extrinsically motivated and inauthentic, how can you change them? Think about how your work makes the world a better place. Perhaps you comforted a worried employee or customer, decorated a room, garden or street, clarified something that was unclear, ensured the safety of an area, helped someone solve a problem, took care of the environment, etc.

A study of 1,018 working women found that they spent about 50% of their waking hours at work 19 . You can change your attitude towards work or change the job itself. If this number makes you happy (or at least a neutral reaction) and not regretful, then everything is fine with your work.

It is easier for us to strive for goals and successfully achieve them if they are related to something more important or have a long-term perspective. Make sure your goals are meaningful to you. Do you want to become an artist simply because you enjoy painting, or does this goal give you a sense of direction and meaning?

To maintain interest in a goal and motivate us to persistently strive for it over a long period of time, pleasure alone is not enough 20 . What matters most are values ​​and meaning.

Choose Your Goals Wisely (Part 2)

What if you read the previous section and realized with dismay that you don't have a list of goals? What if you don’t know what you want to devote your life to, what goals you should set for yourself? Don't despair, there are many exercises to help you find important and meaningful goals 21 . First of all, think about what legacy you would like to leave behind? Write down your answers. For example, what would you like to be remembered by your grandchildren and great-grandchildren? Create a brief description of your life, your values, and your accomplishments as you would like to present them to your descendants, in the first person or even in the form of an obituary. “We need to be careful in choosing what we want to be remembered by our descendants” 22.

Another approach is to write down what you want your children (or future children) to see in their adult lives: what kind of people they will become, what values ​​they will follow, what goals they will strive for. Work on the text, adding and deleting, until you are completely satisfied with it. This process will help you examine your life and your priorities and see clearly what is truly important to you. This way, your goals will reveal themselves to you naturally. Re-read the text regularly and remind yourself what is really important to you.

Own your goals

How to make your goals authentic? Ken Sheldon once decided to find out how he could help people make their goals more authentic (for example, going to university, starting a romantic relationship, or mastering a particular sport) 23 . If you were a participant in his study, you would attend two sessions where you would be asked to think about how you could make your goals more interesting, more important, more meaningful, and more identified with them. You would be asked to rethink your “external” goals, that is, those goals you set for yourself only because someone was pressuring you, or because you would feel guilty or anxious if you gave them up. You would be encouraged to “own” such goals and “find new meaning” in them, especially if some of them have become irritating or you are not seeing any visible success and you feel like giving up.

For example, if you find it difficult to prepare for a presentation, you can think about what the deeper meaning of this activity is (for example, this presentation will help you develop your career, will allow you to learn new skills, etc.). You can also try making presentation preparation more fun, such as preparing with a friend, finding a new slide viewer, or doing it during the hours of the day when work is most enjoyable.

Ken's research showed that those who were able to "own" external goals were more likely to achieve them and gradually began to feel happier. It also turns out that those whose goals are truly authentic are constantly evolving and are more likely to seize new opportunities for growth. Those who do not “appropriate” their goals, on the contrary, stop developing and experience stagnation.

Persistence and passion

The path to a goal, even if it is associated with internal motivation, is not always strewn with roses. Fulfilling your dream of becoming a mathematician, fashion designer or mother requires hard work, perseverance, sometimes you have to sacrifice something and overcome failures. To become a professional in almost any field of activity, you need a lot of practice, patience and strength. Sometimes you have to take risks. Therefore, any goal requires persistence, or better yet, persistence combined with passion, inspiration and enthusiasm. If persistence or enthusiasm is lacking, it is tempting to give up, especially if we are overcome by fatigue, boredom or fear of moving on.

Passionate persistence is beneficial. It satisfies our need to belong and gives us a sense of connection with other people because it often involves social interaction and obligations (helping a neighbor's son write an essay for college, listening to an upset friend, babysitting a sick child, etc.). Persistence in achieving important goals also strengthens our sense of autonomy: at first glance, it limits our freedom, but we make the decision to pursue a particular goal voluntarily. Having meaningful goals also helps us resist social pressure (such as when friends say, “Stop working, let's go clubbing with us!”) and our own self-doubt (such as when we think, “This is too hard, I guess I’ll have to give up.” "). When we pursue our dreams with passion and enthusiasm, we take full ownership of our destiny and begin to know ourselves better.

Talking about our goal in front of other people helps us achieve it. Teens who tell friends they want to abstain from sex are more likely to keep that promise 24 . Citizens who confirm during surveys that they intend to go to the polls do so more often 25 . A study conducted at the University of Scranton found that people who told someone about their “New Year's resolutions” were ten times more likely to keep them (for example, quit smoking, improve relationships with loved ones, become vegetarians, etc.) than those who did not 26 .

Publicly declaring a goal makes it more likely that we will achieve that goal, in part because we want to appear consistent and trustworthy in our own eyes and in the eyes of others (for example, “I said I would apply for a manager position, and I did it").

Create self-fulfilling prophecies

My grandmother, Baba Valya, would have formulated this thought a little differently: “He who does nothing makes no mistakes.” The opposite is also true: if we don’t try to act, don’t make efforts, then we won’t achieve anything. So, as Nike encourages us, “just do it.” If you believe in yourself and are optimistic about life - “I can become a successful doctor”, “despite my difficult childhood, I will become a good father”, “I can ask her out on a date” - then you will be more persistent, and, whatever your dream is, it will come true eventually. For example, research shows that those who decide to achieve some important dream on New Year's Eve and are confident that they can do it are significantly more likely to achieve their goal 27. This phenomenon is called a self-fulfilling prophecy: our beliefs tend to be confirmed and thereby realized in reality.

Social psychologists have accumulated ample evidence that simply doing something can change our attitudes toward that activity 28 . For example, when we help someone, we often feel that our help is not in vain, and by collecting funds for some good cause, we begin to believe more in this cause. So take action, strive for your goals, even when in doubt. Actions in themselves reduce or even completely dispel doubts.

In addition, as soon as we begin to see progress towards a goal, such as making a new friend (if our goal is to create new social contacts), or we see that we are already able to carry on a simple conversation in Italian (if our goal is to learn Italian), then we feel a surge of inspiration and satisfaction with our successes, thereby laying the foundation for new successes 29 . This creates an upward spiral. Praising and rewarding yourself for achieving milestones can also increase your chances of future success and happiness 30 .

Stay flexible

It is important to remain flexible in your goals and actions. If new obstacles, limitations or unexpected opportunities arise, aspirations and goals sometimes have to be changed or adapted to them 31 . Let's say one of your main goals in recent years is to spend more time with your daughter's family. But you find out that soon she and the children will move to another city, two hours away from your home. Research psychologists describe two types of control that people exercise in a given situation: primary control and secondary control 32 .

Primary control, which is often impossible, is associated with attempts to change the situation (for example, convincing a daughter to refuse to move or move herself), and secondary control is associated with changing one’s attitude towards the situation (for example, changing one’s goal).

Research shows that if we can adapt our goals to a new situation, it makes us happier. For example, your goal (spending more time with your grandchildren) may remain the same, but intermediate goals may change, such as buying a computer and learning how to use a webcam, taking the train to visit your daughter every weekend, etc.

Or another example: a person who has been seriously injured in a car accident can no longer exercise as before, but can replace his usual exercise with something else. A runner might, for example, do yoga or ride a stationary bike. At the same time, his goal (to maintain athletic shape) will remain the same, but the intermediate goals will change.

The same logic applies when new opportunities open up before us. To be flexible means to keep your eyes and ears open and notice new perspectives and opportunities in time. Then it will be easier for us to use them, and they will bring us more happiness. For example, if we learn about a new degree program while studying on the weekend, we can immediately take advantage of this opportunity. Secondary control also helps us perceive difficulties or threats as challenges or opportunities. Your daughter's move may inspire you to take driving lessons. When one door closes, another immediately opens.

Don't underestimate intrinsic motivation

If we have found a purpose that inspires us and gives meaning to our lives, we need to be careful and take good care of our internal motivation. Sometimes we lose interest and enthusiasm for even the most important and enjoyable activities - if we feel that we are forced, that we “have to” do it. Social psychologists have convincingly shown that when we receive rewards for something that already brings us pleasure, we run the risk of losing our passion—that is, this activity can turn from play into work.

One of my friends loved literature very much and decided to write a dissertation on English literature. After a couple of years, she was accepted into graduate school, had a very good reputation, and began taking the required literature courses. That is, she received a reward for something that already brought her pleasure (and if she didn’t try too hard, she risked failing the test or exam). This reward - good grades and respect from teachers - essentially became the second (external) reason for working on a dissertation. “I suddenly realized that I read books only to get a good grade, not because I like them,” she told me the last time we met. “I’ve become uninterested in reading”—external rewards can undermine internal motivation.

One classic and very elegant study demonstrated this phenomenon in children 33 . The kindergarten children (who all loved to draw) were divided into two groups. The kids in the first group were told that if they played with the “magic markers,” each of them had a chance to receive a reward, a “best play award.” Children from the second group could simply play with markers (they were not promised any rewards). A few weeks later, the researchers returned to the kindergarten and observed the children during free play hours. It turned out that children who expected to receive a reward were not as willing to play with the “magic markers” as those who were not promised a reward - for them, a fun game turned into “work” that needed to be “done.”

Step by Step: Break Big Goals into Milestones

When moving towards important goals, it is best to break them down into intermediate stages. Before mastering all the secrets of French cuisine, you can first master a few dishes. The best thing is to develop a plan and follow it step by step. Those who succeed are more likely to achieve larger, more abstract goals 34 . Always keep your main goal in mind.

Psychologists from Montreal conducted an interesting study: they decided to help retirees find, plan and implement personal goals 35 . To do this, they designed the following experiment. Over the course of three months, participants met in small groups for two-hour weekly “workshops” where they “learned to manage their life goals.” The experiment was extremely successful; Compared to the control group, workshop participants became significantly happier, and this result persisted even six months after the end of the experiment. The experiment really helped people learn to define their goals and achieve them. Let's look at what methods psychologists used in it. Note the planning steps followed by the study participants; you can follow them too.

During the first few meetings, participants made a list of their personal aspirations, intentions, and projects (for example, to communicate more with people, pay more attention to their spiritual life, get a pet, etc.). They also looked for and voiced any limiting beliefs associated with these goals (for example, “my friends don't want to hang out with me anymore” or “I could never afford to have a dog”).

They then identified their highest priority goals and reflected on them. Let's say your most important goal right now is to move to the city of your dreams. How much effort will this require? What resources are needed for this? How much would you really like living there? Etc.

Next, participants chose a single goal (e.g., learn Spanish), described it in specific terms (e.g., speak fluently, write some, and read some Spanish), and made personal commitments to achieving it. You can write your goal in your journal, write it on a piece of paper and post it somewhere you can see it, or announce it to family members or friends.

The next step is to create an intention: where, when and what you will do to achieve the goal (for example, study on your own from a textbook, take a Spanish class on Mondays, etc.). It is very important to identify what difficulties you might encounter (for example, boredom, lack of time, frustration, criticism from family members) and think through strategies for overcoming them (for example, find an interesting training program, explain to family members how important this goal is to you , set aside enough time for studying, study during the most productive hours, etc.). For example, you can learn to be aware of thoughts that you won't succeed, or notice when you lose motivation, and make a conscious effort to continue learning the language.

Then the experiment participants began to carry out their plan to achieve the goal. If they encountered any difficulties, the group provided them with emotional support.

From time to time you need to reconsider or change the chosen goal and even question its priority (“should I move now?”).

For example, one participant, Mrs. M., was going through a difficult period at the beginning of the experiment (her husband died five months ago, she felt lonely and helpless, and she had recently retired). At the end of the study, she had set several goals for herself, was successful in achieving them, and felt much happier 36 .

At first, she had four goals on her list: “put your talents to good use,” “feel confident and independent again,” “go back to work or do charity work,” and “make new friends.” She chose the latter target to work on during the experiment. During the planning phase, Mrs. M. broke down this goal into specific steps: “attend retirement clubs, find new activities to participate in with other people,” and “call acquaintances and friends without waiting for them to call.”

She listed the following obstacles: She sometimes felt like she didn't want to interact with anyone, and she grieved the loss of her husband and job. The group supported and encouraged her through this process. She also decided to see a therapist to help ease the feelings associated with the loss.

The workshop facilitators noted that Mrs. M. had demonstrated “remarkable courage” in achieving her goal (as well as in pursuing the broader goal of becoming the energetic, determined woman she once was). By the end of the experiment, she reported that she had achieved 75% of her goal. She also felt that she was getting closer to becoming her “old self” and experienced happiness in the process of achieving it.

So, persistent, passionate pursuit of a goal involves several intermediate stages. This process may not be easy, but it is not that difficult. All the necessary steps are logical: we start with a dream or vision of what we want, break this goal into small, specific steps, determine what doubts or problems may arise in the process of moving towards the goal (and prepare for them), and then simply act. Whether your goal is to get married, read all the great works of literature, become a skateboarder, an artist, or just a happier person, it is in your control. Just remember that happiness is brought first of all by the pursuit of goals, but achieving them is not always the case.

Mr. Schwengel

Before I end this chapter, I want to tell you a story about a man I interviewed as part of my research. His name is Kurt Schwengel. He is an incredibly talented teacher and kindergarten teacher, winner of the Crystal Apple Award (Best Teacher), and the author of his own curriculum, which he constantly updates on his website. “Mr. Schwengel doesn’t like rules,” one girl in his group told me, and I assumed that he was a truly happy person. And so it turned out. Kurt is an example of pure energy, enthusiasm, creativity and hard work. "I love my job. I would even do it for free,” he says. His work is his calling.

The happiness strategy associated with achieving goals may seem boring at first glance, but this is not the case at all. To say that Kurt Schwengel has goals is an understatement. He's just bursting with goals. He makes videos about his students and comes up with new games that the children adore. Every three weeks he changes the program, adding a new topic. Children dress up as heroes, he selects music, conducts themed activities and takes them on excursions (the children love Star Wars most, but also Baseball, Japan and The Mystery of the Lost Swordfish).

He takes the kids to local college basketball games, to the beach and the dinosaur museum, and introduces them to bowling and sushi. Every morning, at eight-thirty sharp, kids burst into class like he's a rock star. From morning to evening he plans, creates, writes, dreams and speaks. He is phenomenally disciplined. (“In his class, you will never, ever hear kids snitching on each other,” the mother of one of his students told me.) He teaches five-year-olds to read, use scissors, play bingo and soccer. And in his free time he is busy with other interesting things.

But don't get me wrong. Kurt Schwengel is not a maniac or a madman. He doesn't look happier than you and me. He is simply passionate about his work, he is in the “flow”, in constant interaction with children and adults, his work and life are exciting and full of meaning. As for money, we all know that teachers don’t have a very large salary.

Some teachers, unlike Kurt Schwengel, complain about hard work, willful children, and anxious and demanding parents. We have already talked about the fact that you can perceive the world, yourself, your family, work and the circumstances of your life very differently. Deciding to be happier entails making a choice about how we want to feel about life. This choice is in our hands. Kurt Schwengel has made his choice: he wants to fully realize his talent as a teacher. What you want is up to you.

If you choose this action for yourself, then the following may be useful to you.

1. Enjoy life (happiness action No. 9).

2. Coping strategies (happiness action No. 6).

This text is an introductory fragment.