According to statistics, all people are offended at least once in their lives. However, everyone handles resentment differently. Why is this happening? A person has certain “sore spots”, touching which can easily offend him. Some people have fewer such places, others have more, hence the varying degrees of resentment that arises. There are also cases when a person seems to be completely different from the outside, although he simply accumulates everything somewhere deep in his soul.

Why people get offended: main reasons

The most common cause of resentment is a simple calculation. A person pretends to be offended in order to gain some benefit from his interlocutor. At the same time, it is not at all necessary to actually feel offended; it is enough to pretend. This method is often used by girls to get what they want from a man.

The next reason can be identified as a banal inability or unwillingness to forgive. In this case, the person who was offended may not know what exactly he was offended by - the fact itself and the apologies that follow are important to him.

Another cause of grievances can be unjustified expectations. For example, a person is fully confident that after today’s interview he will definitely be hired, but they never call him back. Or a girl on her birthday dreams of receiving a gift from her young man, with whom they have been living together for more than four years, a long-awaited ring, and gets a romantic vacation by the sea.

What to do

1. Analyze the situation: it is quite possible that the interlocutor simply does not suspect that his words could offend someone. In this case, you need to put yourself in his place and understand whether this person could realize, by saying these exact words, that he could hurt your feelings.

2. Always extract something useful for yourself from any situation. Perhaps the interlocutor pointed out your shortcomings, which really exist. You can thank him for saying this to his face and not spreading rumors behind his back.

3. It is useless to be offended that a person did not live up to your expectations. No one knows how to read minds and accurately guess the desires of another. It is much more effective, for example, to simply ask your husband to throw out the trash, and your mother-in-law to babysit the child, than to expect them to figure it out on their own, and then to be offended because this did not happen.

The harm of resentment

It has been proven that this emotion causes many diseases, for example, cancer or cirrhosis of the liver in absolutely non-drinker, constant migraines and insomnia, not to mention the lack peace of mind. It’s worth thinking about what is actually more valuable: pride and hurt feelings or your own health?

Carrying a grudge in your heart is like drinking poison and expecting it to hurt another person: you are only poisoning yourself. Although you may believe that your feelings are completely justified and the person may have really hurt you deeply, it is always better to let it go. If you're ready to let go of the shackles of resentment, know that there are many ways to process these painful emotions.

Steps

Part 1

How to deal with inner pain

Understand your emotions . Be honest with yourself about the emotions that arise in you due to the current situation. Ask yourself if this resentment is related to some pain from the past, perhaps it has nothing to do with this person or situation in the present. Acknowledge your anger or resentment, but don't get stuck in it.

Practice radical acceptance. Radical acceptance is the ability to accept life as it is, to allow and not resist things that you cannot change. Although we do not experience pain by choice, we do not have to suffer. By saying, “This isn't fair,” or “I don't deserve this,” you are denying the reality of your situation and refusing to accept the truth as it is in the moment.

Meditate. The practice of meditation is extremely beneficial. Meditation can increase positive emotions, reduce stress, help you gain a sense of compassion and work through feelings of anger and resentment, replacing them with empathy and compassion. The more you practice meditation, the more benefits you receive.

Practice empathy. It can be difficult to accept another person's point of view when you are simply seething with anger. However, if you show empathy to the person who hurt you, you can shed light on the situation and reduce your pain. The more empathy you experience, the less role resentment plays in your life.

Remember that you make mistakes too, but you still want to be accepted. Remember that all people crave acceptance, although everyone has their own problems.
Try to see the situation through the eyes of another person. What was happening to this man? Perhaps he was experiencing certain difficulties in life that led to him exploding? Understand that every person has personal problems that they have to deal with, and sometimes these problems leak into other relationships.

Love yourself unconditionally. No person can give you a constant feeling of love and acceptance except yourself. Remind yourself that you are a valuable and attractive person. Most likely, if you have high standards in relation to others, you have high standards in relation to yourself. Are you extremely hard on yourself when you make a mistake? Slow down and remind yourself that you can and should always love and accept yourself.

Part 2
How to overcome resentment
1. Avoid revenge. Although thoughts of revenge may cross your mind and you may have even started making a plan, don't go for it. Revenge is a way of expressing the desire for justice, but the desire for justice can lead to greater injustice if the cycle of revenge continues. When you feel the urge to take revenge on someone, understand that your feelings are a way of coping with the loss of trust.
2. Moderate your expectations of others. Remember that no one person can meet all your needs. If you think your partner, friend, or family will meet all your needs, think again. High expectations will lead to failure.
  - Resentment can also arise when expectations are not clearly communicated. Discussing expectations and desires will help clarify existing problems and avoid problems in the future.
  - Be clear about your expectations for the people in your life. Compromise with people about standards and your expectations in the relationship.
3. Use “I” sentences in discussions. When you discuss your grievances with someone, do not rush to place all the blame on them. It’s better to talk about your own feelings and experiences. You can't tell another person what their motivation was or why they did something because you can't make such a reprehensible decision for another person. Better focus on yourself, your resentment and your experiences.
  - Instead of saying, “You ruined our relationship and I will never forgive you!”, try saying, “I’m really hurt by what you did and it’s hard for me to forget about it.”
4. Allow people to make mistakes. Sometimes it can be difficult to admit that you yourself are imperfect, that you too have blind spots and do not always respond to situations in the most constructive way. This applies to every inhabitant of planet Earth. Just as you want people to forgive you for your mistakes, extend the same courtesy to the people in your life. Remember that the person who hurt you is imperfect and sometimes acts based on limiting beliefs or distorted perceptions.
  - Accepting that people make mistakes does not mean you condone their behavior. It simply means that you allow yourself to see the experience and the situation, surrounding a person to help you understand it better.
5. Surround yourself with positive people. Allow the people in your life to be positive people who support you and allow you to make your own decisions. These are the people who allow you to make mistakes but still support you. Your friends should be honest with you, should be able to show you a new way of looking at things when you get stuck, should tell you when you are overreacting.
  - Good friends will accept you no matter the mistakes you make, and be good friend– means accepting others when they make mistakes.

Resentment is the feeling we experience when we feel we have been treated unfairly. As a rule, such situations can be viewed from several points of view. For example, the director fired an employee who was rude to several clients. From the director's point of view, the punishment is deserved. But the employee will most likely think differently, because his wife is sick, and his son has serious problems at school, in addition, there is not enough money, i.e. there are enough reasons to be irritable.

Thus, resentment arises when an adult (teacher, director, parent) and a child (who is not responsible for himself) come into contact. For example, a child wants a puppy, but the parent does not satisfy this desire.

Taking into account the fact that inside each of us there is a child, overflowing with different desires, needs, ideas, any inability to realize them will result in resentment towards life, the people around us, God, and fate.

There are a lot of “offensive” things in life. First, the child leaves the cozy and safe mother's womb and finds himself in a noisy, dangerous world. Then his mother's breast is taken away from him and he is sent to kindergarten where there is no mother. So we all have to go through a lot of trauma. And if in early age If the parents were affectionate, attentive, patient with the child, but at the same time firm, then in the future it will be much easier for the person to experience new grievances.

How to stop being offended?

1. Admit that you are offended. Denying a grudge will not get rid of it. The result may be physical illness (psychosomatic disorder). And systematic neglect will lead to chronic diseases.

2. Analyze the situation. Break the situation down and look at it from different points of view. You need to understand what exactly offended you. For example, returning to the above situation, the director did not take into account the difficult circumstances of the offending employee.

3. Be a good parent to yourself. Sympathize, console yourself, allow yourself to get angry, cry. You need to “digest” the insult.

4. Having come to terms with the real situation, think about what to do next.

Unfortunately, sometimes grievances are too persistent, and no techniques can help. Or offensive situations arise so often that they are impossible to cope with. This is usually due to the fact that in childhood the person did not receive enough help when it came to coping with emotions. Therefore, it is more difficult for an offended person to seek help from a psychotherapist. Hold on to the adult inside you and take the offended child inside to an appointment.

In general, I am not a supporter of helping people cope with feelings or get rid of them, but when asked “ how to deal with resentment", I react differently than in other cases. I usually help people accept and learn to express their feelings.

But the feeling of resentment stands apart from all other feelings. Its main difference for me is that it is directed at the person himself and is destructive. It is very difficult to turn a feeling of resentment into a resource (as you can do with almost any other feeling). Every time a person gets offended, he wastes his life force without replenishing it with anything.

Therefore, in my opinion, it is necessary to cope with the feeling of resentment.

In the first part of the article “ Resentment " it was said about the origin and formation of a feeling of resentment and the reaction that follows it. From childhood, this feeling passes into a person’s adult life. In general, nothing changes.

An adult becomes offended if:

perceives the situation as unfair
does not have the resource to solve the problem in a constructive way
unconsciously uses resentment as a feeling that suppresses some other feeling
benefits (by being offended, he can manipulate the behavior of other people)

So how to deal with resentment?

It is difficult to provide one general solution to a problem for all people, but for initial independent research, try the following points:

1. Answer the questions

Why are you interested in the question of how to cope with resentment? Why would you want to get rid of this feeling? How does it bother you? If there is no more resentment in your life, how will that change it?

2. Try to remember all the “forbidden” feelings in your childhood

Phrases like “good children don’t get angry”, “hating is bad”, “you can’t envy” may come to mind. Who forbade you from them?

How do you deal with these feelings now? Are they still “off limits” for you? What about other people?

If you can remember these phrases, you can re-evaluate these “truths.” Until now, they were so deep in the subconscious that questioning their correctness did not even arise. And now you can formulate your truths, for example, “the goodness of a child has nothing to do with the feelings he experiences,” “there are no bad or good feelings,” etc.

“If I could have any feeling, what would I experience in this situation?”

Why is this “forbidden” feeling so scary for you now? (If in childhood there was a fear of losing the love of significant adults, now it’s...?)

If you can figure out why you are so afraid to give vent to your feelings, then by dealing with these fears, you can begin to experience the full range of feelings, and not the resentment that replaces them, which will certainly make you a happier person.

4. Can you identify a group of people (or situations) with whom (in which) you most often experience feelings of resentment?

Who from your childhood do these people remind you of? What makes these situations special?

If you can draw parallels with specific people from your childhood, this will mean that you still feel like the child you were.

What to do with this understanding? Working with the Inner Child is very difficult and you may not be able to cope without the help of a psychologist. But the essence of solving the problem is to “grow” your Inner Child, to help him outgrow addiction.

5. Do you have any benefit from being offended?

Try to objectively assess how other people react when you feel offended and act “offended.”

If you see a benefit in your resentment, then first weigh “what is more valuable to you: receiving this benefit or coping with the resentment?” If the benefit is more valuable, then you can do nothing further, since it will be pointless (no amount of work on yourself will give results). If dealing with the offense turns out to be a priority, then 1) you need to recognize and accept the fact that it is beneficial for you to be offended 2) look for ways to get what you want in other ways.

6. About justice

What do you think about this? Answer for yourself the questions that were voiced in the first part (I will repeat them here):

How did you know it was there?
Did someone promise you? Who? When?
Based on the assumption of justice, how can it be explained that one is born rich and healthy, the other poor and sick?
Why has “injustice” persisted for centuries? Is this "fair"?
What function does belief in justice serve for you? How does she help you? What questions does it answer?

These are only the first steps towards solving the problem " how to deal with resentment" Many questions are difficult to answer on your own. But sometimes it is enough to think seriously about a problem and begin to study it, and much becomes clear. When there is understanding, the ability to control previously uncontrollable situations appears.

To overcome the feelings of resentment associated with it. I strongly recommend that you familiarize yourself with it before reading this one.

Briefly, let's remember what the speech was about. The wrong decisions are the following:

To harbor resentment
Cry to friends/family
Look for external solutions

Now, starting from an understanding of what you can’t do and why, you can start talking about what to do next.

How to deal with resentment after a breakup correctly

What I wrote in the first part of the article may lead to a contradictory story. On the one hand, you can’t keep emotions inside yourself, and on the other hand, pouring out this negativity on other people is also not recommended.

Accordingly, we need an approach that would allow us to simultaneously express and acknowledge our emotions, and at the same time would not involve other people. The ideal solution, which is recommended by many psychologists in articles on this topic, is write down your emotions on paper. This is the first step.

Step 1: Write down your emotions

You don't have to take paper and pen - a text editor will work too. In this work you face several important tasks:

Describe in as much detail as possible your resentment from the breakup.
Describe possible reasons your emotions
Describe all the decisions you made in connection with the separation
Throw out any negativity (swearing is appropriate)
Write down any thoughts about the breakup that arose during the process of writing out the previous paragraphs

Notice that this is exactly what you do with your female friends when you meet them with the desire to be comforted by their company. You describe in exactly the same way what happened, describe your emotions, make some decisions, throw out any negativity, express any thoughts about this. If you find it difficult to write down all these things, imagine that you find yourself in a circle of friends who are ready to support you in every possible way and justify your emotions. What will you tell them about how you feel?

The advantage of writing out your emotions, compared to shedding bitter tears to your friends, is that such work forces you to be more aware. When you break someone's bones in a group of friends, you - I bet - never you don’t ask the question “Why am I experiencing these emotions.”

At the same time, if you pay attention to the second point, you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write down not only what is on your mind, but also your guesses about the cause of your emotions. It’s okay if it’s difficult at first - if you work seriously and systematically (more on this at the end of the article), then this skill - recognizing your emotions and the reasons for their occurrence - will be practiced automatically.

Okay, let’s say you made the decision to sit down at the computer and properly describe your emotions “on the shelves” - albeit clumsily. What to do next?

...you will have to start learning to understand yourself and write down... the reasons for your emotions.

There should have been a Step 2 here, but we have to take a short break. Before proceeding further, I have to ask you, dear reader, why are you even here?

What does it mean to you to let go of resentment? Does this mean throwing away the negativity and moving on with your life, without fooling yourself over a recent breakup? Or does this mean eliminating the resentment that has settled in the subconscious so that such episodes do not arise in the future?

If you choose the first, then you need advice on short-term overcoming resentment. You just need to do something now so as not to suffer, and then life will improve on its own. If this sounds like you, then here it is, Step 2:

Step 2: Do nothing

That's it, congratulations! All necessary work has been done. You have already written out your negative emotions. You met them face to face, which already a little prevented them from settling in the subconscious. You may even have learned something new about yourself. Moreover, you managed not to confuse anyone with your negativity, that’s really great!

Why don't you need to do anything else? Because if you are a mentally healthy person, your pain from resentment cannot be felt acute too long. Your mind will protect itself by “shoving” your resentment deeper into the subconscious so that you can move on with your life. No wonder wisdom says “Time heals”...

Over time, the suffering from resentment will stop, and the pain from parting will subside. You will be able to live as you lived before, and maybe better. You may find yourself a new partner - or maybe not. As it were, obviously You won’t suffer from a recent breakup. In extreme cases, if it was so painful that it plunged you into the abyss of depression for six months, then after 10 years you will remember it with a pang, but no more. Even if so, just as they remembered, they forgot. Life will provide you with many opportunities to distract yourself from your negative emotions.

Therefore, once again, take a piece of paper and a pen, write down the negative, and you will be happy.

Okay, but what if suddenly this article was stumbled upon by a person who for some reason was dissatisfied with the advice above? What if it seems to him that something is still wrong here, and that the solution is incomplete? What if there is a feeling that even if the resentment has subsided, it will definitely appear again? What if already fed up experience the same negative emotions over and over again, each time be consoled by something, and then again find yourself in situations where these emotions arise, again suffer from them, again be consoled, and so on?

If you are such a person, then I am sincerely glad, because in fact, my site is designed for people like you. Just for those who have already realized that there is no escape from resentment. That she is like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, will grow several more - just give it a reason. And life will give you reasons to be offended! The only question is: how will you react to them?

Resentment...like a hydra, which if you cut off one head, will grow several more - just give it a reason.

If your work on your resentment is limited to writing out your emotions or comforting yourself with friends, you will never get rid of the resentment. IN long term period she will definitely return.

But if you are aware of this and see the need to systematically eliminate all your grievances and the causes of their occurrence, then you are ready to ensure that you get rid of the resentment in long term period. And to get rid of it, you need it work through. That is, to put it simply, do something about it - not just write down its reasons on a piece of paper. And working through more than just one episode of resentment from one breakup is just the beginning.

Getting rid of the oppression of one painful episode in your life is not enough to free yourself from resentment forever. Let's say a man is reading these lines now. Do you think your relationship with your mother as a child does not determine your relationships with women now? Another way to determine it. Do you think that the resentment you may have felt from your first unrequited feelings (ah, school:) does not determine your reactions to behavior from women now? Another way to determine it. What about all your beliefs about women - could your emotional reactions be influenced by them? For sure.

What am I getting at? Long-term relief from resentment involves systematically working through everyone their grievances, everyone their past emotional traumas, everyone the reasons for their occurrence, everyone negative emotions you experience everyone decisions you made based on your grievances, everyone relationships that you had, everyone beliefs about the relationship that you have. In essence, you will have to sift through the entire contents of your mind and massively eliminate from it all the causes of resentment. Only then will you truly be free from it.

Are you ready for this kind of work? If not, no big deal. Again, you have already dealt with the resentment from the breakup, and life will get better on its own, over time.

But if your decision to stop being a victim of your emotions has gained sufficient strength, and you are ready to systematically work on eliminating all your grievances, and you want to ensure that no separations bring you suffering anymore, then the next step is to acquire a system for working through the contents of your mind. All those things two paragraphs above must be eliminated from the subconscious, and for this we will need an appropriate system of working on ourselves.

Step 2.0 Arm yourself with an internal development system

There are many such systems. But ours must have a number of parameters. She must be least:

Powerful, that is, it must work with all the contents of the subconscious at once. What good is it for us to work through one youthful grievance, if this is only one of the thousands that we have had in our lives. No, we need to work through everything at once.
Fast, that is, we don’t want to delve into our minds for years, looking for the causes of grievances. There should be tangible results within just a few months.
Simple, that is, it should not require special knowledge and skills. So that not only psychologists can use it.
Effective, that is, the results should be felt. There should be a shift in the emotional background towards positive feelings, there should be less reaction to people, there should be fewer limiting beliefs that somehow negatively affect behavior, and so on.

Since my site is aimed at people who are ready for systematic work, I provide all the necessary tools to work on themselves. The internal development system that I’m talking about is called Turbo-Suslik, and you can get acquainted with it on the Main page of the site, and you can also subscribe to the newsletter on the intricacies of its application using the form at the bottom of this page. I simply don’t want to repeat myself here, so the article turned out to be rather long :).

Step 3. Work through it

Do you have an intention to eliminate garbage from your head? Are you ready to work? Do you have all the necessary tools for the job? Then go ahead and sing. Best time to start changing is the present moment :).

Harmless results

The bottom line is that you have to ask yourself what you want. If you want a short-term and quick, but at the same time superficial solution to how to cope with resentment after a breakup, I recommend you follow Step 2. If you want a long-term and effective solution, but requiring little systematic effort from you, then I advise you to follow Step 2.0. Whatever you choose will be good, I promise :).