How to get rid of infantilism in adulthood. How to get rid of childishness How to stop being childish

Marina Nikitina

What is infantilism and what are its causes? This is childishness in the behavior of an adult, the so-called emotional immaturity. If for children whose personality is just being formed, this is a normal trait, then for an adult it is unnatural to be infantile.

Adult infantilism

It is good when an adult is able to perceive the world as joyfully, easily, openly and with interest, as in childhood.

So who are these infantile people? This is when a person (personality) behaves like a child, when he has fun, plays, fools around, relaxes, “falls” into childhood for a while.

In a conflict or anxious situation, a person uses an unconscious return to children's behavior patterns in order to protect himself from excessive worries and experiences, to feel safe. This is a psychological defense mechanism - regression, the consequences of which are infantile behavior. After overcoming the external or the person again returns to normal behavior.

Infantile girl runs with balloons in her hands

The problem arises if infantilism is not a situational manifestation, but a delay in the development of the personality. The purpose of infantilism is to create psychological comfort. But infantilism is not a temporary protection or state, but habitual behavior. Infantilism is the preservation of behaviors corresponding to the age period of childhood in an adult. In this case, the question inevitably arises of how an adult can stop being a child and grow up emotionally.

In infantile personalities, the emotional-volitional sphere deviates in development. Man-Child does not know how to make decisions, control emotions, regulate behavior, behaves like a dependent baby.

When others say to an infantile person: “Don’t act like a child!”, They provoke advising behavior in response. The Man-Child will not ask the question: “Am I really acting like a child?”, will not listen to criticism, but will be offended or angry. Many articles have been written about how to get rid of infantilism for a woman or a man. But people with a similar temperament are not inclined to study such literature or heed the advice of loved ones, because they consider their own behavior to be the norm.

An adult, consciously or unconsciously, chooses a childish style of behavior, because it is easier to live this way.

Causes and forms of infantilism

The phrase said by a parent to a child: “Don't behave like a child!” sounds paradoxical, but this is how adults teach children to strive for independence and responsibility. Parents should urgently take action if they notice that an infantile child is growing in the house. How to help him grow up and raise a full-fledged personality, you can understand on your own, knowing the origins of the problem.

The causes of infantilism lie in the mistakes of education. Therefore, few people already ask themselves the question of how to get rid of infantilism in adulthood, considering their behavior and worldview to be the norm. The main mistakes parents make are:

overprotection, that is, the suppression of the child's initiative, when he could not take responsibility for himself and, accordingly, could not learn self-control,
lack of love and care in childhood, which the individual seeks to make up for as an adult,
early adulthood when a person does not have time to be a child,

Treating an adult like a child is also the reason for the development of infantilism in him. A person takes everything for granted, more and more confident in the correctness of his own behavior. Before you ask yourself how to deal with infantilism for a woman or a man, you need to know how and in what this character trait is manifested.

Infantilism manifests itself as follows:

Laziness. Inability to arrange life, unwillingness to serve oneself (cook food, wash things, and so on), shifting household duties to relatives.
Dependency. An infantile person may not work, live at the expense of relatives, or may go to work, but have no desire to work.

Young infantile people laugh

Egocentrism. The Man-Child believes that others are obliged to satisfy needs, to try for him, forgetting about himself, while he himself does not think about others. Such individuals are ungrateful, and the good deeds of others are perceived as proper behavior.
Passion for games and entertainment. An infantile person is drawn to fun and carelessness. Shopping, beauty salons, chasing gadgets, hen/stag parties, nightclubs, discos, entertainment centers, all kinds of games (gambling, computer, and so on).
Transferring responsibility. Decision-making, fulfillment of duties and other responsible activities, the person-Child shifts to relatives.
Disorganization of life. An infantile person has no plans, he does not set himself goals and objectives, does not know what the daily routine is, does not think about accounting for money.
Unwillingness to develop An infantile person does not see the point in development, because everything suits him anyway, he lives in the present, not analyzing past experience, not thinking about the future. Adults behave like children when they want to remain children, do not want to grow up.

How to overcome infantilism

You can be infantile only when there are close, loving and caring people nearby, on whom responsibility is shifted.

If in the relationship of two adults one person behaves like a Child, the second takes the role of his Parent. When an adult is so immersed in the role of the Child that it takes over his personality, he should turn to a psychologist or psychotherapist. Because the inner Adult is not able to overpower the inner Child, and outside help is needed.

They get rid of infantilism, realizing it as a problem and engaging in self-education.

You need to learn to be responsible, organized, independent. However, for people who are too insecure and tense, infantilization is sometimes extremely useful. For example, in psychological support groups there are even special courses that involve creating an atmosphere of general trust, fun and emancipation. Adults are taught to be liberated, based on the behavior and character traits of children.

And also self-educate in yourself:

activity,
accuracy,
thrift,
prudence,
thoughtfulness,
and other qualities of a mature personality.

Tips on how to get rid of infantilism in adults:

Find an interesting job which assumes responsibility for other people. If the work is pleasant, it is easy and pleasant for a person to take responsibility. Find serious tasks, set intractable tasks, come up with strong-willed tests.

Infantile girl blows bubbles

Get an animal. A helpless animal will become a "child" for an infantile person, he will have no other choice but to become a Parent for him. The role of the Parent involves organization, punctuality, care, responsibility, problem solving, and meeting the needs of a helpless being.
Create conditions when there is no other choice but to grow up. Living on your own, away from caregivers and parents, or moving out helps you mature quickly. Also, a person becomes an adult when he has a family and children.

Being frivolous is easy, but being able to stand up for yourself, overcome life's trials, and provide the conditions necessary for survival on your own is difficult. Being an adult can be learned through education and self-education.

March 22, 2014, 14:37

About infantilism very often and a lot of talk lately. Who is an infantile person? This phenomenon does not divide people into men and women, it manifests itself in absolutely everyone. Since infantilism often prevents a person from living happily, you should find out on the site of psychological help the site how you can get rid of it.

It all starts with the consideration of the term about what infantilism is. We will begin our consideration of the issue with how widespread this phenomenon is.

Being an infantile person for modern society has become the norm, rather than some kind of exception. Many people believe that once they reach a certain age, they inevitably become adults. At the same time, they forget that it is possible to grow up with the body, but inside, in the soul, in the mind, remain the same children that we were before. That is why there are concepts of "biological age" and "psychological age", where the first shows the number of years lived, and the second - the real sense of self of a person.

The infantilism of adults is feigned. Noticing that childish behavior causes certain reactions in other people, a person begins to intentionally behave like a child. But often a person has an infantile character precisely because he has not grown psychologically. His body has matured, according to his passport he can be considered an adult, but judging by his actions and demeanor, he is a small child or teenager.

In psychology, this is called fixation, when a person seems to get stuck at one of the stages of his development and does not grow further, although his biological body continues its maturation.

An infantile person differs from an adult in many ways. The first of these is that immature people live by emotions, not by reason. They divide the whole world, events, people into “I want - I don’t want”, “I like it - I don’t like it”, “good - evil”, etc. In other words, they give in to their emotions and behave depending on what they feel .

Infantile people are afraid of responsibility. They prefer to engage in work that does not carry a large load, but at the same time gives a large profit. However, this category of people does not like to solve problems. Faced with difficulties, they either run away from them, or try to forget, or shift them onto the shoulders of other people. In general, everything in the behavior of infantile adults suggests that they are still children.

Of course, a person can grow up, but for this you need to work hard on yourself. You can turn to a psychologist for help or just learn to live like an adult and independent person. Take responsibility, solve your problems, learn to communicate even with people you don't like. It happens that a person grows up as a result of some traumatic situation, where he cannot behave differently than in an adult way.

If we talk about infantilism, then this quality is more common than any other. Infantilism is attributed exclusively to adults, since children must be infantile, immature.

What is infantilism?

Infantilism is understood as the immaturity of the personality, which shows not adult, but childish character traits. By age, a person is considered an adult, and by behavior, lifestyle and even thinking, he is more like a child. What is infantilism? In other words, it is called childishness. A person seems to get stuck in the early stages of his development, remaining a child.

What contributes to the development of infantilism? As it turns out, modern society contributes to the development of this quality in adults:

An intense lifestyle, when a person is so tired that he acts on the machine. He habitually resorts to the methods of relaxation that he used in childhood.
The cult of youth. Everyone should always stay young. However, adults are already considered old people. That is why a person, though not in body, so intellect will remain young.
Modern technologies and entertainment. More and more people are invited not to "steam" and do nothing. Everything is at hand in the form of gadgets, computer games and other devices with which he can feel like a full-fledged person.

Once having tasted a carefree life, where there is no need to bear responsibility, make serious decisions and eliminate problems, a person quickly gets used to it and agrees to remain a child forever. This leads to the fact that women and men complain about each other, often not noticing that both have the quality they are blaming. And the main problem is that infantile people will not be able to create families. They need adult partners who will take on serious and responsible assignments.

One of the reasons for the development of infantility among people psychologists call the upbringing of mothers when they want to take care of their children all their lives. The kids have already matured, but the mothers do not seem to notice this and continue to take care of them, take care, and solve their problems.

The characteristic signs of infantilism, by which quality can be recognized, are:

Fear of responsibility. Infantiles are afraid to face situations where they will be held responsible.
Minute influences and the absence of hard targets.
Dependence on the opinions of others. Infantiles do not like criticism, so they are ready to do anything that will be considered a great way to get approval from other people.
Naivety and gullibility, which makes infantiles victims of swindlers and scammers.
Fear of loneliness. They just can't be on their own.
Inability to predict the development of events. Infantil simply does not want to think about the consequences of his actions, as well as admit and correct mistakes.
Inability to control your emotions.
The predominance of gaming activity over educational / labor. A person prefers to play, have fun, rather than do serious work.
. Due to the lack of professional and mature qualities, a person is not able to adequately adapt to society.
Incontinence of the word and running away from duties.
Abstract-logical thinking, which allows a person to think in non-objective terms.

Infantilism manifests itself over time. Psychologists often lean towards reasons in the upbringing of infantilism:

Parents do not allow the child to make his own decisions and do not put him in anything. A teenager is constantly limited in freedom of movement and decision-making.
The mother raises the child herself, which makes her be tough, authoritarian, uncompromising, etc.

Infantilism in men

In men, infantilism manifests itself in many variations. One of them is unpreparedness for marriage. Here we are talking more about the unwillingness to bear responsibility.

Signs of infantilism in men are:

Egocentrism - when he thinks that everything revolves around him.
Perception of oneself as the only correct and worthy to take the place of a leader.
Blaming others if something is not liked or a conflict situation arises.
Dependency. This may manifest itself in a reluctance to work, as well as to run a household. Such men often attribute housework exclusively to women. They take girls as wives in order to shift the role of housekeepers to them, from whom they then constantly demand and criticize.
Weakness of willpower, which provokes an inability to make important decisions.
Constantly sitting on the Internet, where the man plays, communicates on sites, watches movies, etc. He is fun and interesting, but completely irresponsible as a husband.
Preference for older women, as they will definitely be able to take on all the adult responsibilities.

Infantilism in women

Many believe that women are already infantile by the right of their sex. Next to them should be "daddies", adult men or romantics who will allow a woman to remain frivolous and naive. However, men often take advantage of such women.

Men who have achieved a lot in their lives are very interested in such women. They allow you to escape from everyday worries, think about the future, without striving to create a family and have children. Men can finally relax.

Infantile women themselves are looking for dads who will be non-greedy, responsible, courageous, generous and wealthy. They want all their problems to be solved by men who, at the same time, admire their defenselessness.

In the arsenal of an infantile woman there are a lot of things that she uses to show herself defenseless and in need of a man:

She speaks in a high voice.
He is surprised that he does not understand anything.
Gets offended when he's actually angry.
Allows a man to be strong and experienced to raise his self-esteem.
Acts up, cries and pouts instead of saying what she wants.

Thus, the woman does not take responsibility, which helps her to shift it to the man.

How to get rid of infantilism?

If you want to get rid of infantilism, you should consider the following methods:

Get into a situation where no one will help and you have to solve all the problems yourself.
Have a child and take responsibility for its upbringing.
Do something useful to others or yourself.

Eliminating infantilism, one should be careful. Too strong shocks can lead not to deliverance, but to regression - an even greater immersion in infantilism.

Modern man is becoming more and more infantile, that is, in his behavior and character, he resembles a child. And many people are so confused about what traits are childish and adult that they have driven themselves to depression and sadness, considering these to be adult manifestations.

What is usually considered childish in human behavior? When he has fun, rejoices, is surprised, shows curiosity, admires, etc. In fact, these traits are not childish. They are also inherent in adults, who can also be happy, inquisitive and spontaneous. In reality, there are only 3 infantile features of an adult:

Lack of independence, inability to provide for oneself.
Inability to take into account the wishes of other people.
Inability to plan, to foresee the further development of events, to trace the cause-and-effect relationships of one's actions.

That's all! All other manifestations of an adult are natural to him and do not make him a child. Only these 3 qualities characterize his immature personality. And if at least one feature is present in a person, it means that he has not matured.

What is the result of infantilism?

If we talk about infantilism, then it deprives a person of many benefits and happiness. This result has already been reached by many people who are now trying to do something to get rid of it. But they do not succeed, because it is necessary to do everything themselves, and not to shift the responsibility to other people.

Every adult must provide for himself, be independent. Why, for example, can't he find a job: because there isn't one, or because he doesn't want to look for one? In the first case, the real lack of work does not allow him to work. In the second case, a person shows infantilism: he does not have to find a job for himself, but someone has to find a job for him and still force him to go for it.

Every adult must understand that he is not the only one living on planet Earth. There are also other people who have their own lives, their own desires and needs. And if you are going to do something, see if your actions will not interfere with the freedom of another person. In the same way, those around you should be adults, that is, their actions should not infringe or restrict your freedom. Of course, you can, for example, make repairs in the apartment and disturb your neighbors with noise. But it's one thing when you spit on their space of calm and silence, and another thing when you first warn your neighbors that you will be doing repairs and making noise. It is much more pleasant to make concessions to another person when he nevertheless showed interest in your desires than to understand him when he did not give a damn about your opinion and did what he wanted.

Every adult person knows how to plan his life, roughly understand the further development of events and notice the cause-and-effect relationships between his actions and the results he receives. This child cannot yet say what will happen next, because he has no experience. This child is used to blaming someone for his troubles, because he does not notice how he himself creates these troubles. And this can often be traced in adult people who have become adult bodies, but not the psyche and character.

Modern psychologists often advise adults learn to be simpler and more direct- as children. And it's really good! But "childhood", in addition to such qualities as sincerity, openness to the world and people, susceptibility and interest in the new, has a negative side - infantilism. Immaturity of decisions, fear of responsibility, inability to accumulate experience and draw conclusions from it ... How to get rid of infantilism - the site will tell the site.

How does infantilism manifest itself in an adult?

Certainly, the concept of infantility cannot have absolute criteria- someone is more, someone is less infantile, for different people this quality can have different manifestations, etc.

But still, certain points can be distinguished, which, taken together, can speak of the infantilism of the individual:

Fear of responsibility. An infantile person, like a child, avoids situations where something depends on him: “What if it doesn’t work out, and they will scold me? ..”. It happens both in small things and in serious moments of life. Infantile people rarely become leaders, leaders who are able to captivate other people and inspire them with their will.
Dependence on the opinions of others. An infantile person very often does something that he does not want at all - he is afraid. He is very dependent on stereotypes, it is not difficult for him to inspire something: he will believe and do it, if it is understood that “this is how all normal people do”, this will be approved by the majority, etc. The most interesting thing is that while an infantile person rarely has stable life guidelines that overshadow momentary influences: for example, an infantile woman can listen to her mother’s advice to her gray hair, but at the same time suddenly listen to some neighbor and do it not at all in her mother’s way (but, alas, not in her own way ...)!
Trust and naivete. Such a person is an ideal victim of all kinds of scammers, since it is easy to inspire him with something simple.
Fear of being alone. An infantile person is often afraid of the very fact of loneliness - even just being alone at home, going somewhere without companions, etc., but this is also relevant in a more global sense. An infantile person is calmer in everything to be part of some kind of team - if only because in a team you rarely have to take responsibility for yourself, and there are clear priorities - so to speak, for what they will praise, for what they will scold.
Spontaneous emotional reactions, inability to manage their emotions. They say about such people that "everything is written on their foreheads." They are rarely tactful, diplomatic, unable to hide their state of mind, even if it is inappropriate. An infantile person can easily “blurt out” something, and “blunders” often break out from him.
Inability and unwillingness to predict calculate the results of their actions and behavior in advance, learn from their own and others' experience. Usually, infantile people rarely see the interconnection of events in their lives, and they like to talk about life's injustice, bad luck (or someone else's "unfair" luck), etc.

All in all, an infantile personality is a big child. Only if in a child much of the above is touching, then in an adult these qualities are repulsive.

Does getting rid of infantilism mean starting to lead a “serious” life?

Very often I come across various judgments like this: “If you don’t want to have a baby (or get married, or look for a “serious” job, etc.) - this, my dear, is infantilism in you!”.

Is that so?

Actually, a specific way of life, life priorities cannot speak of infantilism and other things of that kind.

An "old maid" who lives with her mother and eight cats, as well as the mother of a large family, can be infantile; as a freelancer doing odd jobs, as an employee with 20 years of experience, and so on.

On the contrary - infantile people rarely lead some kind of extraordinary, not too encouraged by society lifestyle- they themselves are uncomfortable and incomprehensible.

What can cause the appearance of infantile personality?

To learn how to get rid of infantilism, it is worth understanding where does this quality come from in a person.

That is, of course, it is logical that childishness - it is from childhood!

But why do some children grow up into infantile adults, while others into "normal" ones?

Probably much or even everything depends on the relationship with the parents. Often children of overprotective parents grow up infantile- children who were “overloved”, overprotective and pampered, or, on the contrary, children who were brought up in strictness and indisputable obedience.

Of course, you can’t change your own childhood, but in order to get rid of infantilism, you need to “step over” it - to realize that it is over! And those who were “big and smart” are now ourselves. We are adults!

There is no need to listen to anyone and obey no one, you need take responsibility for yourself and accept the results of your actions!

How to get rid of infantilism if you notice its manifestations in yourself?

Get rid of immaturityquickly and painlessly- this is a quality that deeply "grows" into the human psyche! You need some serious work on yourself.

The most effective way to get rid of infantilism - big in life, as a result of which a person is without support in conditions where you have to quickly make the right decisions and bear responsibility for them.

So, for example, there are many cases when people got rid of infantilism in a short time as a result of sudden changes in habitual life- in the army, in prison, in "hot spots". Or - leaving to live in a foreign country, where you need to survive without friends and relatives; losing financial well-being; survived the death of a loved one who was a support and support, etc. For women, the problem is “how to get rid of infantilism” often solved the birth of a child and the need to take on the role of a strong and wise adult!

Of course, if you set yourself the goal of getting rid of infantilism, it is not necessary to take such radical measures for this!

But if possible it is worth "plunging" into a situation where you need to mobilize and "grow up» - for example, agree to a leadership position, move out to live from your parents or husband's parents, etc.

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- Father Andrei, how would you define the main problem of an infantile attitude to life?

- Remember how in Russian fairy tales. The father called for three sons, gave one an iron staff, another iron boots, the third iron loaves. Go and look for your happiness in life. The plots of some Russians are based on the separation of children from their parents. Often in fairy tales, the father does this by force. He literally puts the children out of the house - to seek happiness beyond the distant lands. And he does it out of love for them. This is how a person grows up. But that's in fairy tales...

- Well, what if the child is so accustomed to guardianship that he vegetates in the parental home on the couch and is not going anywhere. Parents are afraid to give him independence. Suddenly disappear?

- The probability that a person will disappear, remaining in the parental home, is no less. If parents are afraid to give him independence, he will remain the same child. The best thing in this situation is to take the keys from him or change the locks in the house. Of course, this is a joke, but parents can help their children grow up if they want them to develop.

- Is it possible to help a thirty-year-old man whose childhood has obviously dragged on?

There are two ways to help. The first is to create conditions for the development of this person. To create conditions means to respect him, expressing the hope that he himself will figure it out, find a way out, believe in him, recognize his right to make mistakes.

In no case do not criticize: “Well, you see what happened to you again. It's because you're a fool." Only support: “Yes, you didn’t know this, you were mistaken. But nothing, but you have acquired new knowledge and experience. I know how difficult it is for you, but you can always count on my support. Support is just a presence nearby, co-existence.

The second opportunity is to set a personal example, to develop yourself, to grow up. If I grow up, develop, go through crises, I render an invaluable service to those people who know me. They can bring something from my experience into their lives.

– What are the origins of maternal overprotection? How to get rid of the desire to protect your child from all problems?

- The tendency to overprotection means the infantilism of the woman herself. This means that she has hope that her husband will become a mother, and sometimes that the child will become a mother.

Do you need to learn how to dispense help?

- No, mom needs to learn to be an adult. Then the idea of what is included in the sphere of personal responsibility will itself be formed.

- Infantile people are characterized by unrealistic ideas about the world?

- Infantile people are characterized by cynical or romantic ideas. Romantics deny everything bad. - everything is good.

During childhood and early adolescence, a romantic outlook on life—an idealization of oneself and the world—is normal. When a person, as a result of a meeting with reality, is convinced that everything is not as beautiful as it seemed to him, he experiences a terrible crisis of disappointment.

Then in place of romanticism comes cynicism, the other side of romanticism. Normally, this is a crisis. The teenager is cynical, nihilistic, he denies everything, all his idols fall into the dirt and he tramples them. A cynic is a disillusioned teenager, an immature person.

- Cynics are usually very convinced people, closed to ideas that do not coincide with their opinion.

- Not necessary. There are cynics who want to be reassured: "Convince me I'm wrong." But this is a childish position, because only through one's own experience can one understand and accept the real state of things.

An adult person instead of idealization and nihilism comes to realism. To grow up, you yourself need to take a step towards accepting the world as it is.

In fact, infantilism can manifest itself in very different forms - in the fear of changing jobs or building close relationships, in an aggressive reaction to failure, and in "games" in the spiritual life. Children's reaction in the world of adults. About what infantilism deprives us of, where to look for its roots, and why spiritual life is accessible only to a mature person, we asked Archpriest Andrei Lorgus, rector of the Institute of Christian Psychology, to tell us.

You will never be interested!

Father Andrey, what psychologists call infantilism, and why does it interfere with a person's life so much?

Infantilism is a “stuck” at a certain, childish, stage of personality development, the continuation of childhood in adulthood. This is not a disease, not a pathology, not a deviation, but a stage of personality development, it is found in work with a psychologist. Roughly speaking, the personal settings of an infantile person "stumbled" at some childhood age, stagnation began for various reasons - for someone it happens at 5-6 years old, for someone at 8-10, for someone - then flying - and some skills of personal behavior do not change. They remain the same as they were in this or that period of childhood.

For example, attitude towards oneself, relationships with other people, relationships in the family - with mom, with dad. But mostly it's about self. If a person, for example, as in childhood, it doesn’t matter at 6 years old or at 18, is not used to independently figure out what to do when his teeth hurt, then as an adult, he calls his mother when he encounters such a difficulty. Or, for example, in a stressful situation, a person can behave like a small child, he starts crying, shouting: “I can’t stand this!”, “I can’t do this”, “Save me, help me, I won’t survive this!” Sometimes it takes the form of such a hysterical fit, when a person begins to destroy everything around him, to break. If it's an adult hysteric, say a 40-year-old man, he can go hitting someone, cutting, shooting, hitting cars, making an accident, etc., because he has the reaction of a 5-year-old child screaming and stamping his feet.

What do these situations have in common? Avoiding real, self-solving problems?

The main thing is that there is no awareness in such actions, but there is a typical unconscious emotional reaction: it occurs before a person has time to think.

You see, what's the matter: 90 percent of our behavior is unconscious reactions, and this is normal, because we cannot always think about every step we take. But the question is when they are formed. The basic emotional reactions of a person are laid down in early childhood.

But then, over time, they change, and we begin to use more complex behaviors that form certain skills. And these skills sink into the unconscious - they become automatic. The first time it is a conscious reaction to something, and then it becomes habitual.

It even happens that against the background of childhood trauma, some bodily reactions are formed, for example, seizures of the so-called. panic attack. The essence of a panic attack in adulthood is that this behavior is childish! An adult can cope with this, but for this he needs to realize what the problem is. And the problem is that in childhood, due to some kind of stress, the child formed certain emotional reactions that were so deeply embedded in his unconscious behavior that he retained them for the rest of his life. And at what point does this psychosomatic reaction turn on.

That is, the concept of "infantilism" is wider than just escaping from responsibility and making decisions?

The unwillingness to take responsibility is rather a consequence of infantilism. The world appears to the child as super-complex, super-difficult: I cannot solve all the problems. Therefore, if I cannot solve the problem, I leave the world, defend myself from it, I will not cope, I may not succeed, everything is terrible, everything collapses, a disaster! I'd rather go to a monastery, or go to a desert island, or go into illness, or get drunk. It is not for nothing that narcologists compare alcohol with a pacifier: there are types of alcoholism, when a bottle for a person is an obvious way of children's complacency.

But keep in mind that infantilism is not something that covers the entire personality. This rarely happens. More often it happens that in some ways a person is infantile, and in some ways he is quite mature. Most often, relationships with people are infantile, and professionally a person can be quite adult. Or in relations with colleagues at work, he is quite mature, and in relations with his wife and children he is infantile.

And what does a person who is “stuck” in childhood and does not want to grow up lose?

A consciously immature person will never be so interested in this world. The children's way of life is limited, there is no real beauty, variety, surprise in it, it is cute and pleasant, but it is simple, familiar and understandable. Until a person matures, he is an alien in the world, he cannot taste his sorrows, but he is not able to share or even see his joys. That is why infantilism often hides in games, hides in unreal worlds, in order to somehow satisfy its curiosity, its desire for creativity. Such a person does not understand that the gift of reality, the gift of life, is much richer than any fantasy, even any happy moment. The world is open, the doors are open, and a person stands at the threshold, in the strip of his childhood, but he does not undertake to enter there - he is afraid ...

It's easier to be a child - he doesn't know anything. After all, if I accept this world as it is - rough, heavy, often false, full of suffering, then I begin to participate in it. And if I am a child, I do not accept it and do not participate in anything. And moreover, I demand that they treat me like a child, which means that they don’t frighten me, don’t tell me about the bad, but only about the good. But to dream that life is a continuous joy is wrong. Difficulties and suffering are part of life, and a very valuable and important part.

I'm not guilty!

Very often, infantilism is associated with improper upbringing. Is it really possible, on this basis, to "push" responsibility for failures in your life onto your parents?

This is the infantile position when a person shifts responsibility to the parents. The child is not responsible for his personal development, but when he grows up, he may well develop further outside the framework that his parents have built for him, and from that moment on, he is responsible for his development. Therefore, an adult will say: “Yes, I learned from my parents to be only a child, but not as an adult, I had to learn this myself, and I learned.” In psychology, this is called “nurturing” oneself. If you are an adult and you notice a lack of maturity, responsibility in something - develop, learn!

The bond between parents and children is very strong. What should both the child and the parent do so that, on the one hand, it does not break painfully and, on the other hand, does not turn into such an “eternal umbilical cord”?

Of course, the connection of the child with the mother, dependence on the mother is natural, natural. But when the child grows up, he is separated from the mother, but if he does not separate, then an unnatural dependence arises. An infantile person, as a rule, depends on the opinion of his parents, he agrees with him because of fear in case of refusal to be guilty before them. And on this primary dependence - in the child-parent relationship - all the rest can be formed. Therefore, it is important to go through the separation stage, to be able to separate from your parents. This is one of the conditions for growing up. If a person has not separated from his parents, he will not be able to establish a truly mature relationship with them, and will remain to some extent a child. Why is it bad? Firstly, he will not be able to take care of his parents, to protect them when necessary, because he will remain a child for them. Secondly, he will not be able to create his own family, become a responsible spouse, parent.

What kind of attitude towards parents can be called mature?

A mature attitude towards parents is respect, reverence and distance. Distance is like a defense of one's borders, and borders, mind you, are always defended resolutely. If there is no distance, a person will not be able to take care of his parents. When the time comes, they will continue to patronize him.

How can parents not make mistakes that lead to infantilism? What are the typical mistakes?

There is only one mistake: that we ourselves do not want to grow up. Infantile parents will raise their children the same as themselves. And if a parent has matured, taken responsibility for his life, he will unwittingly teach this to his children. And you can start at any age. Even when the children have already grown up, there are grandchildren, growing up gives parents a lot. Everything that happens to a parent, no matter how old he is and no matter how old his children and grandchildren are, affects them: his personal development has a very beneficial effect on the development of younger generations.

Feast of obedience

Suppose a person realized that some of his reactions are childish. How should he be?

Sometimes a person can sort himself out. Unless, of course, he is sufficiently developed in the psychological sense, read and understands quite well what personality development is and how one can see it in oneself. But there are difficult cases when one thing clings to another, and the help of specialists is needed, because there are things that a person himself cannot see. Well, for example: you will never be able to see the back of your head, you need two mirrors. Here, a psychologist sometimes has that “mirror” that is needed to “see your back of the head.”

Does work with the unconscious fit in with the Christian worldview? It would seem that the goal of a Christian is personal repentance, but here it seems that you are not to blame, but the circumstances of your childhood are to blame. Is there a contradiction here?

No, there is no contradiction here. On the contrary, if a person is infantile and does not bear responsibility for his behavior, then what kind of repentance can there be? If a person is afraid to realize something unpleasant for himself, he cannot repent. He cannot admit that he made a mistake, cannot take responsibility for it: “Yes, it was I who made a mistake, forgive me, Lord.”

Does this mean that an infantile person is not capable of spiritual life as such?

To the spiritual life seriously, to the depth - no, not capable.

First, infantilism does not give experience. A person gains experience when he makes a conscious, free choice, bears responsibility for it and accepts its result - if he made a mistake, then he repents, if he succeeded, then thanks. From this experience is added, and a person spiritually grows as it accumulates. And if it is not there, spiritual life is impossible.

Remember the legend of the Grand Inquisitor in Dostoevsky. This character just oriented people towards infantilism, irresponsibility: we, they say, take all responsibility upon ourselves, and you can sin. This legend is an apology for infantilism: if someone takes responsibility for all the steps and actions, then everyone else can be children, and he turns out to be the only adult. But this adult knows what he is doing. Who is it? Devil. So it is quite clear who benefits from infantilism - not God at all ...

Secondly, real spiritual life, which is all about change, “metanoia”, is always difficult and always requires courage and energy. But infantile people are incapable of showing courage, of vigorous action, are not inclined. As an adult, they are not capable. So they can only lead a “childish” spiritual life.

The man says: “Lord, You know everything, You know everything, You will do everything for me, but I am not responsible for anything. I will fulfill everything: the fasts, the Sacraments, - I will do everything as ordered, as the father told me. Everything else is your responsibility, Lord. Either the priest, or the Church, or charters, or books - that's who is in the answer. And it's childish.

But what about the will of God? How does this relate to a willingness to act not according to one's own whims, but to listen to the will of God?

You know, in my life I have met very few people who are not afraid to listen to the will of God. Basically, people do not want to try to hear it, and, moreover, they are even afraid to approach it, because the Lord can say something that it will be very scary, hard, reluctant for a person to do. So often, by God's will, a person means certain circumstances that have developed or chosen by him, by which he tries to be guided in his life. It is much easier to play hide-and-seek with the Lord and pretend: “I didn’t understand anything” and, instead of the will of God, invent myths for ourselves, just not to hear the Lord. Those people who truly open themselves to the will of God perform incredible miracles. But such units.

The will of God burns. Can we get close to the sun? Well no. Already for several million kilometers it will burn! That's the way to God - try to get closer! Opalite. It's difficult. And it requires great courage, and a willingness to change, a willingness to take responsibility for oneself.

Tell me, obedience to a confessor is a manifestation of immaturity, because a person, as it were, is not responsible for anything, decisions are made for him, is he a performer?

Vice versa. True obedience is a sign of maturity and adulthood.

Because it is not submission, but obedience. These are different things. The child is subordinate to the parent, he has nowhere to go! A subordinate at work is subordinate to the boss, he has nowhere to go, he is obliged to do everything. A soldier in war is subordinate to the commander and is obliged to fulfill, firstly, the charter, the oath, and secondly, the words of the commander. He can even go to death on orders, but in his heart at the same time the soldier can understand that the commander is mistaken and sends him to his death. The subordinate can also think to himself that the boss is stupid: I, they say, of course, will do as he orders, but still nothing will work. Is this obedience? No, this is submission.

And obedience is when I understand the intention, the meaning of the will of the elder so much that I accept it as my own. At the level of thought and feeling, at the level of will, intention, even at the level of emotional evaluation, I connect with the will of another person. And to fulfill the will of the spiritual leader is a pleasure for me, dear and sacred, therefore I join his will with love, believing in it, whether it is good or bad. But in order to do so, one must be very well in control of one's own will.

This is very high, not everyone will grow up to this.

Yes, sure. Real obedience is one of the most difficult spiritual virtues; it requires extreme concentration, attention to oneself, self-knowledge. Of course, neither a child, nor a teenager, nor a young man is capable of this. This is the lot of a mature husband.

Have you ever encountered pseudo-obedience in your pastoral practice?

Yes, of course, all around. But, you see, in parish life no one really bothers to fulfill the words of the priest, so many of those whom I love and who constantly come to confession live only by their own will and do not want to listen to another.

And it would seem that we are willingly looking for leaders, mentors who would relieve us of the responsibility of making our own decisions ...

It's a myth, a play on words. Real spiritual life begins when a person stops using such general phrases as the will of God, obedience, confessor, when he thinks about what is happening in his heart. These words, which have a very high price, are often used as a kind of verbal veil, behind which there is sometimes no spiritual life.

You see, many people live without really thinking about what happens to them in this life. Live and live. They go to church, confess, take communion, read prayers, read the Gospel, but do not think about what is happening to them. Although they think they are living a spiritual life. In fact, this is a ritual, religious life, to some extent a life of faith, yes, but it is not a spiritual life. Because there is no main question: where is the Lord in my life?

I once read a very good question from Thomas Merton, such a question for myself for self-knowledge, and I also began to use it in relation to myself and began to offer it to my close people. Try asking yourself: How long have I been alone with God today? An unexpected question! People are ready to say how much time they spent on the prayer rule, how much they were in church, how many times they prayed a day, how many they read the Gospel, thought about the Gospel, but alone with the Lord ... As a rule, people ask a counter question: “How is it, and what does it mean?". And this is what is written in the Gospel: But when you pray, go into your closet, and having shut your door, pray to your Father who is in secret (Mt 6:6). This crate is not a room, not a cell, it's an inner world. It is there that it is possible to be alone with God.

It is difficult for a person to be alone with himself!

Quite right. I must immediately turn on the TV in the kitchen and in the room, and the radio, and the telephone, so as not to be alone with me! What kind of spiritual life can there be if a person is afraid to be alone with himself? He is afraid to hear the voice of conscience, to hear the voice of God in his soul. Such a "kindergarten" is obtained.

It turns out that the path to a mature, real spiritual life is mindfulness and awareness?

Awareness. The first question to ask yourself should be: “Who am I? What am I doing here? Who is my God? Do I know Him? Do I know myself? For many of us who have been living in the Orthodox Church for a long time, everything remains almost the same as it was in the beginning. Yes, we know the commandments, we remember the gospel passages, but when we talk about God Himself, we usually imagine pictures of the Holy Scriptures. But God appears to us personally! And when a person understands this, then a completely different life begins - the discovery of God for oneself.

Therefore, before the question arises whether I am doing the will of God, the question must arise: how much time per day, per week, did I spend alone with the Lord? After all, how can you know the will of God if you don’t even know the Lord and you don’t recognize His Voice among the thousands of other voices that resound in you?

It turns out that a person who has not discovered God for himself will not discover the real, full-fledged joy of prayer, communion with God ...

If a person lives by childish emotional reactions, he will never receive full-fledged joy and fullness of being, since only a mature person achieves them! The beatitudes are not given to children, but only to adults, and even the commandments of Moses are intended only for a mature person. Moreover, only a mature person can fulfill the commandments of God.

And this difficult world of a mature personality is not terrible. It is scary for a child, but for an adult it is not scary. For an adult, separation from the Creator is terrible, non-existence is terrible, meaninglessness is terrible, the absence of love, light is terrible, but the world itself is not. The world is filled with the love of God! You can be convinced of this every morning at sunrise, looking at the sky, reading the lines of God's revelation in the sky, because every sunrise and sunset says to humanity: "I love you." It's scary to be left without this Love.

Infantilism: is it good or bad?

Infantilism is a special property of a person's behavior that characterizes him as an immature person, incapable of making thoughtful, balanced decisions. As a rule, such childishness and immaturity are the product of upbringing, and not a failure in the process of maturation of the brain.

An infantile person simply avoids all responsibility - nothing prevents him from "taking life by the tail and changing something in it", but there is no desire for such active actions.

Whereas, infantilism is a pathological condition that implies a delay in the psychological formation of a person for some objective reason. For example, oxygen starvation of the brain during intrauterine fetal formation. The inconsistency of human behavior with age characteristics becomes especially noticeable by the time they enter school. In the future, it only progresses.

Causes

The origins of infantilism, according to experts from different countries dealing with a similar problem, should be sought in the childhood of a person. Of the many reasons they identified, here are a few of the main ones:

overprotection of parents - the child does not have the opportunity to make independent decisions and learn from his mistakes, he develops a habit of shifting responsibility to other people;
constant lack of attention and love from close relatives - a situation where the baby is left to himself most of the time, a kind of pedagogical neglect, in adulthood such children seek to compensate for the lost sense of care;
total control - if children are forced to account for literally every step they take, then, in contrast, they begin to express a kind of protest with their infantile behavior, they say, get what you want, I refuse to take responsibility;
forced rapid maturation - if a child, due to life circumstances, had to face the need to make important decisions too early, then later he may seek to avoid situations where a choice is required.

Sometimes diseases of the internal organs become a platform for infantilism, for example, depletion of the nervous system - when the brain cells simply do not have enough energy for full-fledged activity. Or the emerging infantilism in women due to underdevelopment of the ovaries - a deficiency in the production of sex hormones leads to a lag in the maturation of higher nervous activity.

Symptoms

Among the whole variety of symptoms that can describe the behavior of an infant, the following most characteristic signs of infantility can be distinguished:

inability and unwillingness to make important decisions, for which you will then have to bear personal responsibility - in situations where you need to urgently solve something, such a person will try to shift the task onto the shoulders of a colleague, relative as much as possible, or let everything take its course;
unconscious desire for dependency - infantile people can earn good money, but they are not accustomed to serving themselves in everyday life or are simply lazy, trying in every possible way to avoid everyday duties;
extremely pronounced egocentrism and selfishness - an unfounded belief that the whole world should revolve around them, their requests should be immediately fulfilled, while they themselves will try to find a thousand excuses for their own unfulfilled obligations;
difficulties in relationships with colleagues, partners, spouses - unwillingness to work on relationships leads to the fact that, in the end, such people remain lonely even in their own family;
an infantile woman can have fun at some event or party, while her apartment will not be cleaned, and the refrigerator shines with empty shelves;
frequent job changes - an infantile man justifies himself in every possible way by the fact that they find fault with him too much or force him to work, so they spend their whole lives looking for a job where they would be paid more and demanded less.

People-infants live literally like moths - one day. Often they do not have savings "in reserve". They do not strive for self-improvement, because they are sure that they are already good, everything suits them in themselves.

Types of infantilism

To complete the description of such a disorder as personality immaturity, it should be noted that it can be expressed in various forms. So, psychic infantilism is a slow maturation of a child. There is some delay in the formation of the personality of the baby - in the emotional or volitional sphere. Such children may demonstrate a high level of logical thinking. They are intellectually very developed and able to serve themselves. However, at the same time, their gaming interests always prevail over educational and cognitive ones.

Physiological infantilism is an excessively slow or disturbed bodily development, resulting in a failure in the formation of higher nervous activity. Often mistaken for a mild degree of mental retardation. Only a thorough differential diagnosis by a highly professional specialist puts everything in its place. The reasons for its appearance may be infections transferred by a pregnant woman or oxygen starvation of the fetus. Signs of infantilism in such a child can be combined with the phrase “I want to show myself, but I can’t.”

Psychological infantilism - a person has a completely healthy psyche in a physiological sense, he is fully consistent in development with his age. But they deliberately choose "childish" behavior. For example, because of the psychological trauma suffered - as a kind of "protection" from an aggressive external reality. Then the habit of walling off and shifting responsibility for oneself to others becomes the norm of behavior.

Features in men

The bulk of the differences in the manifestation of infantilism among the sexes lies in the social views adopted in a particular society. If you look at the problem from this point of view, then infantilism in men is a sign of their failure as a protector, a “earner”. Such behavior is condemned in most social groups.

The parent dominates in such relationships. Therefore, becoming an adult, a male infant does not take any responsibility - for himself, his family. In many situations, he behaves like a child. Infantilism in men quite often manifests itself in avoiding conflicts, the need to solve problems, avoiding reality in fictitious relationships, for example, in computer games.

But such a man is the soul of any company. He sincerely rejoices at any holiday and an occasion to have fun. He is always ready to become the organizer of the party, but only if someone else will finance it. He practically does not know how to handle money and earn it.

Signs of psychopathy in a man may be most pronounced in his competition with his own children. He is sincerely offended if the wife pays less attention to him or buys more things not for him, but for the child. Scandals and quarrels in such a family will occur more often if a woman does not learn to find balance in relations with her husband and offspring.

Features in women

Society looks more favorably on infantilism in women. Often such "childishness" is even encouraged - many men are pleased to pamper their chosen one or educate her sometimes. Some husbands assert their ego in this way.

Women, on the other hand, are impressed by the role of dependents - this greatly facilitates their existence in terms of making important decisions. Shifting one's worries onto "strong male shoulders" has long been encouraged and welcomed in European society. However, the realities of our days are such that such behavior sometimes leads to a catastrophe in relations - two infants, colliding, are unable to help each other.

Sometimes the symptoms of asthenia in women are hidden behind infantilism - beriberi, chronic fatigue, severe stressful situations lead to the fact that the nervous system cannot stand it. In an effort to save herself, a woman begins to move away from reality, becoming lethargic, apathetic. After the restoration of the reserves of vitamins and microelements, as well as energy, the representative of the beautiful half of humanity will again be active, bright, cheerful and life-affirming.

If the desire to have fun is the predominant trait of a woman’s character, without a desire to think about the future, to ensure her well-being and comfort on her own, we can talk about psychological infantilism. Encouraging such behavior can result in permissiveness and licentiousness, up to a violation of criminal liability. Punishment and "sobering up" is sometimes too harsh and harsh - serving time in places of deprivation of liberty.

How to get rid of infantilism?

It is quite difficult for an infantile person to realize his problems with decision-making. Few find the strength to fight and take steps to improve their lives - gaining independence. Most often, such people need the help of professional psychologists.

Positive results can be achieved faster if the request for help was undertaken in the early stages of the formation of a personality disorder, in the childhood years of a person's life. Group and individual trainings have proved to be excellent.

To properly organize the process of raising and becoming a child, parents can be recommended:

consult with children more often, ask their opinion on every important life event for them;
do not try to artificially create excessively comfortable conditions for the child - learn about all the difficulties, for example, at school, solve them together, and not shoulder the problem only on your own shoulders;
enroll him in the sports section - this is how responsibility and purposefulness will be formed in him;
encourage the child to communicate with peers and older people;
avoid thinking in terms of "we" - dividing yourself and the baby into "I" and "he".

If intellectual decline was provoked by focal ischemia, then you need qualified help from a neurologist, drug treatment.

How to get rid of infantilism for a man - such issues should be resolved by a specialist on an individual basis. Without awareness of the problem, if he himself is not ready to work on himself, all the steps taken by his parents, wife, colleagues will be ineffective.

Experts can only give recommendations on how to get rid of infantility in adulthood - reconsider your life priorities, try to live separately from your parents, find a job that will require decision-making, but without excessive responsibility. You can try step-by-step planning - set quite achievable goals and strive for them.

How childishness can ruin your life, and 5 ways to get rid of it

When you watch the American film Stepbrothers, the absurdity of the situation that underlies the plot becomes ridiculous. The main characters are two forty-year-old men who live with their parents, do not work, are completely financially dependent on their father and mother and behave like small children.

However, in life, such a situation, albeit not in such a hypertrophied form, is often encountered. An adult can live separately, have a job, even a family - and still remain infantile. What is infantilism, how to get rid of it and is it worth it - you will find some tips in our article.

Infantile teenagers, and then adults, are usually the result of upbringing.

In particular, the emergence of infantilism is associated with the fact that in adolescence, parents did not allow a person to make their own decisions, completely took full responsibility for all areas of his life, and stopped any attempts to show independence.

It is important to understand that there are several types of infantilism, and some of its forms can lead to psychopathy. Therefore, if any features in the behavior of the child alarm parents, it is important to contact specialists for advice.

Both men and women can be infantile. However, this feature is more obvious when it comes to representatives of the strong half of humanity. Since it is from them that society and most women expect perseverance, confidence, and the ability to solve difficult life situations. A soft woman who does not want to grow up is usually taken lightly, and men are often called sissy and bypass the tenth road.

Infantile people are usually naive and careless.
Often they do not want to start a family, because this is an excessive responsibility.
Can't get a good job.
They have superficial interests and are not serious about relationships, not only love, but also friendship.
Often they cannot control their interests - for example, they play computer games for hours. Of course, quite independent people also have such hobbies, but they can control their addictions, understand that it’s time for business, and it’s an hour for fun.

Infantile people have only their own “want” and no boring “shoulds”.

Leave your comfort zone

Interested in how to get rid of infantilism, it is important to understand that this is the path of growing up. The key difference between an adult and a child is the degree of freedom and degree of responsibility. Therefore, in order to mature, it is important to achieve two main results:

Take responsibility for your life.
Reclaim your freedom, if necessary.

Infantilism: how to get rid of?

What is infantilism and what are its causes? This is childishness in the behavior of an adult, the so-called emotional immaturity. If for children, whose personality is just being formed, this is a normal feature, then for an adult it is unnatural to be infantile.

Adult infantilism

It is good when an adult is able to perceive the world as joyfully, easily, openly and with interest, as in childhood.

So who are these infantile people? This is when a person (personality) behaves like a child, when he has fun, plays, fools around, relaxes, “falls” into childhood for a while.

In a conflict or anxious situation, a person uses an unconscious return to children's behavior patterns in order to protect himself from excessive worries and experiences, to feel safe. This is a psychological defense mechanism - regression, the consequences of which are infantile behavior. After overcoming an external or internal conflict, a person returns to normal behavior again.

Infantile girl runs with balloons in her hands

In infantile personalities, the emotional-volitional sphere deviates in development. Man-Child does not know how to take responsibility, make decisions, control emotions, regulate behavior, behaves like a dependent baby.

When others say to an infantile person: “Don’t act like a child!”, They provoke advising behavior in response. The Man-Child will not ask the question: “Am I really acting like a child?”, will not listen to criticism, but will be offended or angry. Many articles have been written about how to get rid of infantilism for a woman or a man. But people with a similar temperament are not inclined to study such literature or heed the advice of loved ones, because they consider their own behavior to be the norm.

An adult, consciously or unconsciously, chooses a childish style of behavior, because it is easier to live this way.

Causes and forms of infantilism

The phrase said by a parent to a child: “Don't behave like a child!” sounds paradoxical, but this is how adults teach children to strive for independence and responsibility. Parents should urgently take action if they notice that an infantile child is growing in the house. How to help him grow up and raise a full-fledged personality, you can understand on your own, knowing the origins of the problem.

hyper-guardianship, that is, the suppression of the child's initiative, when he could not take responsibility for himself and, accordingly, could not learn self-control,
lack of love and care in childhood, which the individual seeks to make up for as an adult,
too early an adult life, when a person does not have time to be a child,

Infantilism manifests itself as follows:

Laziness. Inability to arrange life, unwillingness to serve oneself (cook food, wash things, and so on), shifting household duties to relatives.
Dependency. An infantile person may not work, live at the expense of relatives, or may go to work, but have no desire to work.

Young infantile people laugh

Egocentrism. The Man-Child believes that others are obliged to satisfy needs, to try for him, forgetting about himself, while he himself does not think about others. Such individuals are ungrateful, and the good deeds of others are perceived as proper behavior.
Passion for games and entertainment. An infantile person is drawn to fun and carelessness. Shopping, beauty salons, chasing gadgets, hen/stag parties, nightclubs, discos, entertainment centers, all kinds of games (gambling, computer, and so on).
Transferring responsibility. Decision-making, fulfillment of duties and other responsible activities, the person-Child shifts to relatives.
Disorganization of life. An infantile person has no plans, he does not set himself goals and objectives, does not know what the daily routine is, does not think about accounting for money.
Unwillingness to develop, grow as a person. An infantile person does not see the point in development, because everything suits him anyway, he lives in the present, not analyzing past experience, not thinking about the future. Adults behave like children when they want to remain children, do not want to grow up.

How to overcome infantilism

You can be infantile only when there are close, loving and caring people nearby, on whom responsibility is shifted.

They get rid of infantilism, realizing it as a problem and engaging in self-education.

You need to learn to be responsible, organized, independent. However, for people who are too insecure and tense, infantilization is sometimes extremely useful. For example, in psychological support groups there are even special courses that involve creating an atmosphere of general trust, fun and emancipation. Adults are taught to be liberated, based on the behavior and character traits of children.

And also self-educate in yourself:

Tips on how to get rid of infantilism in adults:

Find an interesting job that involves responsibility for other people. If the work is pleasant, it is easy and pleasant for a person to take responsibility. Find serious tasks, set intractable tasks, come up with strong-willed tests.

Infantile girl blows bubbles

Get an animal. A helpless animal will become a "child" for an infantile person, he will have no other choice but to become a Parent for him. The role of the Parent involves organization, punctuality, care, responsibility, problem solving, and meeting the needs of a helpless being.
Create conditions when there is no other choice but to grow up. Living on your own, away from caregivers and parents, or moving out helps you mature quickly. Also, a person becomes an adult when he has a family and children.

Being frivolous is easy, but being able to stand up for yourself, overcome life's trials, and provide the conditions necessary for survival on your own is difficult. Being an adult can be learned through education and self-education.

Infantile man: you can’t grow up childish

Navigation on the article “Infantile man: you can’t grow up to be childish”

She says: "He lies on the couch, he does not need anything."

He says: “I would like a relationship with a girl, and preferably with several, with sex, but without serious consequences”, “money is just a means to get a “fan” from life”, “men are polygamous, so sorry, dear but that's the way I am...

Quite a lot is written and said about the infantilism of modern men. There are terms that describe infantile personality traits, such as kidalt, a word of English origin, consisting of two words - kid (child) and adult (adult). This word in Russian pronunciation has an accidental consonance with the slang word "throw" and the corresponding negative connotation.

There is also the "eternal youth", puer aeternus and the "Peter Pan syndrome" - the archetype of Jungian psychology, denoting a man who does not want to grow up, become mature, make commitments, settle down in the world. There is also a female analogue of this archetype - the "eternal girl", puella aeterna.

An archetype is a prototype, an image, a set of features that have a universal character. There are archetypes of a great mother and father, an old man and an eternal child, a hero and an anti-hero, masculinity, femininity, and others.

The archetype of the eternal youth describes traits that are usually found in seventeen to eighteen year old young people, but for some reason show up in an adult. First of all, we are talking about infantilism, that is, immaturity, childishness of an adult.

Infantilism - childish traits in the behavior of an adult. Infant - an adult with immature behavior, thinking, reactions.

Infantility of adults, what is the reason?

The cult of the desire for youth and the culture of consumption, entertainment, toys and gadgets in our society provoke a stop in growing up, the preservation of childish traits in the behavior of an adult.
Spoiled, when children grow up at home, are strongly attached to parents who do not want the child to grow up. As a result, already an adult wants his happy childhood to last the rest of his life.

Today, if you don't provide for your children until they retire, then you are a bad parent.

From a conversation with a client

A controlling, protective mother who gave birth to a child "for herself." Often this is a very energetic woman, giving the impression of a strong personality. If the father is absent physically or psychologically, then it seems that the infantile man is as if "married" to his mother. He is dependent on her mood, fulfills her whims, even if mother and son live separately. He can also admire his mother, putting her on a pedestal with respect to all women.

A woman can give birth and raise three, five or more children. If all forces are concentrated on the only child, then this is harmful to the child himself. An excess of female energy suppresses him ...

From a conversation with a Christian priest

How infantilism manifests itself in the behavior of an adult

"Now, not later!"

Impatience, inability to wait, to plan for the future. The Infant lives in a constant "now". But this is not the “here and now”, focused on a holistic perception of what is happening in the context of current plans, goals, and prospects. This is the "now" of a child who does not think about the future. Parents think for him, and the future should happen as if by itself.

The feeling of time as the most valuable resource is inherent only to adults. Children waste time like they're immortal. Caring for health and well-being is not needed, because the consequences will come later.

Emotional sales, advertising of loans and other “lure” from the series “only today!” are built on the “now, not later” setting.

It is possible that one day life, the endless satisfaction of one's “wants” allow one to avoid facing the fear of death. “What difference does it make what will happen in a week, I feel good now!”, “We are punks, we have money, we are having fun.”

It is impossible to live, constantly aware of your mortality, forever numb with horror. A person alleviates the fear of death in various ways - family and children, career and fame, rituals and faith, etc. The Infant tries to live one day, refuses to plan, thereby denying the course of life and the inevitable approach to death.

However, there is one danger in this, since the constant rejection of plans, patience, setting goals in favor of momentary desire leads to the fact that a person, as it were, “does not live”, that is, he does not live at full strength, “pretend”.

An infantile person does not accept his mortality, and therefore does not want to plunge into reality, because in this case he will have to admit his own weaknesses, his usualness and finiteness.

At the same time, there is a close relationship between the intensity of the fear of death and satisfaction with life. The less effectively life is lived, the more painful the fear of death. It turns out that the Infant tries to avoid this fear, but the fear does not decrease from this. In dreams, the tendency of life "for fun", "for a draft" is often reflected in the form of images of flight, soaring above the ground.

Intellectualization

Infantile men can talk very cleverly and beautifully about celestial matters, and when they try to involve them in useful work, nail something or fasten it, they run away to “save humanity”. With such a man it can be very interesting, exciting, contagious, but it has little to do with the “flat” reality.

A woman who will encourage an infantile man to act runs the risk of getting the answer “you yourself are a fool, deal with it”, “you are too mundane”, “that’s not what this is about at all!”

Intellectualization and philosophizing are also a way of escaping real life into fantasy, mental constructs where there are no earthly limits. Infantu is afraid to give up illusions and ideals and find himself in everyday life, in real life, where every person has weaknesses, limitations and is mortal.

The Infante is unable to imagine that it is possible to overcome life's difficulties without sacrificing one's ideals, but testing them for strength with the help of real life. Such men take the easy way out and say or imply that reality is low and dirty for their unrecognized genius. He is above the ordinary.

Avoiding Responsibility

The life of an adult involves decision-making and responsibility for the implementation of these decisions. Infantile men use many "excuses" to avoid responsibility and obligations.

case from practice

The man brings up the well-known cliche “men are polygamous, but women are not”, using it as an explanation for his behavior - “that's why I can date others, but you can't” and shrug. Polygamy is to blame for everything, but he seems to have nothing to do with it, and is unable to do anything.

For an infantile person, the lack of results in life is justified by significant unconditionally valid reasons.

He can give really quite reasonable explanations for his inaction and do nothing wrong in life, except that he does nothing at all.

There are many smart people, but no effective ones.

Often, surrounded by an infantile man, there are people responsible for making decisions.

Husband: - In life, I decide everything myself: if I speak football, it means football.

Wife: - Or maybe we'll go to my mother?

Husband: - If I said to my mother, then - to my mother.

It is incredibly difficult for an Infant to burden himself with anything. He is ready to endure inconvenience, lack of freedom, just not to be burdened with responsibility.

For an infantile man who lives “pretending”, to bear the burden of responsibility means to be not free at the moment when “a real woman appears”, “my chance”, “a mega-project to which I will be called”, etc. Therefore, until a great chance appears, one can live, preferably without obligations, in order to be free in the future important moment for something global.

However, without contact with life, this “global” does not happen. Moreover, continuing to live as a small innocent boy, a man falls into a trap. An “unlived life” accumulates in his psyche, passive guilt before himself, and this turns against him.

As a result, a person comes to a state of dissatisfaction, depression, somatic diseases or a tendency to accidents. Everything that a person has inside, his potential, if he is not lived out, turns against the very carrier of the potential.

Will atrophy

For an adult, decision-making and responsibility are associated with volitional efforts. I'm lazy, it's hard, I'm tired, but I have to do it.

For an infantile person, the arguments “I don’t want”, “bored”, “tired” are the reason to quit unpleasant things. It is extremely difficult for the Infant to face the routine, even in his most beloved job.

So a small child cries in the store: “I want Lego!”, but gradually learns, for example, to save pocket money for the desired toy and becomes an adult.

Will is not a thing that “suddenly” comes from nowhere, it is a well-organized motive. Everyone probably knows such a state when you don’t need to force yourself, because this “need” is not for someone, but for yourself. So an infantile person is simply not ready for long-term routine work, not ready to make efforts, he is ready to give up even the thing or action he really needs, if only not to force himself in any way.

Most often this is due to the fact that a man is in a relative comfort zone, which is difficult, scary and undesirable to leave. It is reminiscent of a motherly caring yet controlling environment.

The young man decided to go in for sports and go rafting with friends, he told his mother about it. Mom says: “I don’t want to disturb you, but I don’t think now is the time for this.” The young man is consumed by thoughts, the fuse subsides, and he stays at home. Thus he learns helplessness, his masculinity fails. After all, the moment of action is not the time for discussion!

At the same time, the infant is able to engage in any activity while he is interested, while he is enthusiastic, even for days on end to the point of exhaustion. However, as soon as a rainy morning comes, when it is dreary and does not want to do anything, he will find all sorts of reasons to evade work.

It is impossible for him to force himself, due to the weakness of character and the lack of positive experience of youthful masculine, insane and decisive actions, which at one time were restrained by the mother, having taught her boy to remain helpless, refined.

Of course I want my son to get married<…>his two previous wives weren't good enough and I divorced them.

From a conversation with the mother of an adult son

In any, even the most interesting work, there comes a time when you have to deal with routine, boring duties. Then the infantile man comes to another conclusion: “This is not for me!” If he can withstand the routine in his activities, then this will be a step towards maturity, a way to get rid of infantilism.

Fast is slow, but without interruptions.

Dependency

This is not necessarily a direct inability to provide for oneself financially, it can be everyday dependency as an unwillingness to serve oneself, to do simple unpleasant things - remove socks, return a book to the library, come on time, wash dishes, finish a shelf, cook food. All this turns out to be "not a man's business."

I recall the history of the relationship of a man who lived with his woman, rented an apartment, but did not pay a penny to the general budget. “If you love, then not for money!” he said, secretly meeting in cafes, at the cinema, at barbecues with girlfriends he found on a dating site.

Often, the military or businessmen, who are used to ordering and making decisions at work, remain infantile boys at home. The choice of a male profession may be due to an attempt by the psyche to get out of the latent power or the obsessive influence of the mother. But this is half the battle, it also happens that at home or in relationships with a woman, these men return to a youthful infantile state.

My early marriage "haunted" my mother. Then I was engaged in flights on sports planes. Once we were asked who wanted to join the military. I clarified: “Will they give me separate housing?” - "Yes". So I became a soldier.

From a conversation with a military pilot

consumerism

The habit of satisfying one's desires through entertainment, shopping, computer games, expensive toys - gadgets, gatherings in clubs, discos, parties, extreme entertainment, for example, bungee jumping from a bridge.

By themselves, such entertainment can be enjoyed by a mature person, but in an infantile person they occupy a central place, avoiding boredom becomes the meaning of life.

These hobbies are yet another attempt by the Infante to "live without living." He tries to get safe microstresses from life in the form of shopping or disco, in contrast to life's difficulties associated, for example, with the development of relationships, the birth of a child, the creation of his own business.

A much more important life lesson than defending my doctoral dissertation in philosophy, for me, was the experience of marriage and the birth of children.

Interestingly, the concept of "boredom" in the Russian language arose relatively late, for the first time "boredom" was used in written sources in 1704.

Perhaps the ancient people did not know boredom?

Boredom is associated with individuality, separateness, the cult of personality and the uniqueness of each person, and ancient people were part of a collective, a community. Boredom is the destiny of a person who does not feel belonging to the team, he does not have real deep attachments to anyone.

Man is a social animal.

Boredom is physiologically connected with the bodily movement towards the form of the fetus. A bored person, if no one sees him, as if twisted into an embryo, shrinks. In this movement, gestures of twisting into the fetus, you can feel the thirst for death, the desire to die.

Thus, on the surface, the Infant tries to amuse himself with consumerism, to eliminate constant boredom, the causes of which are much deeper.

For example, in inner emptiness, separateness according to the principle “I am not like that”, or in fear of death and attempts to live “on a draft”, without becoming attached and not burdening oneself, or in learned helplessness and fear of leaving the comfort zone. With boredom, the psyche tries to show that something is wrong, that this is “not real life”, that in such a life there is a lot of non-existence.

How to get rid of infantilism

Psychological maturation is a long routine process of gaining independence, responsibility, meaningfulness of the life path. For older children, this topic can cause resistance.

If you catch yourself feeling annoyed, neglected, or bored to the point of yawning at the words “growing up”, “gaining independence”, “meaningfulness of life, “responsibility”, then your inner teenager probably does not want to grow up.

It will not be easy to get rid of infantilism, for him it is boring, painful, it is scary to lose the lightness and childish joy of life.

However, if you are an immature person, then, believe me, you have not yet known the true joy of life. It's like it's impossible to eat only sweet, it ceases to be sweet, there must be opposite or just different taste sensations. So it is with the joy of life: if you live every day like a holiday, without obligations and worries, then life will seem boring and empty, like bubbles in champagne.

Basically, they write that infantilism is incorrigible, or at least extremely difficult to change. Perhaps this is so, but at the same time, if you notice infantile traits in yourself and want to grow up on your own, then you should try to overcome infantilism.

So first, a win-win deal.

It is important to learn to negotiate with yourself. The fact is that our personality consists of many parts - these are our roles, characteristics, inclinations, complexes, features, etc. A person is both the son of his mother and the father of his child, an inner child or teenager, an adventurer, a sage, a bully and an employee such and such a company, etc. Each part has its own needs, its own views on life, sometimes completely opposite.

It happens that the child inside us wants to relax and play, and the parent feels the need to check the son's lessons and go to bed. Every minute we make small choices. It happens that we consciously make one choice, for example, “I will go to bed early”, but in reality our children's part takes its toll, since the evening time certainly belongs to it. As a result, no matter what you do, you go to bed much later than you planned.

History from life

At one time I often had to work in the evenings. It was not bad, since the day was free. However, I began to "catch myself" on irrational indignation, some part of the personality got used to the fact that the evenings should be free. I started working carelessly, it threatened with problems in my career.

Then, with the help of therapy, I turned to myself, to what was dissatisfied with this state of affairs in me. It turned out that this is an internal spoiled teenager who wanted to have fun in the evenings, listen to music, “hang out”. After a long emotional dialogue, we agreed that two evenings a week I would go to a cafe, and once a week I would go to the cinema, go kayaking on vacation, and the inner teenager would let me work the rest of the time. And so it happened.

The ability to hear yourself, your true needs and find ways to satisfy them comes with time and in long-term therapy. When you “catch yourself” sabotaging some of your decisions, getting in your way, ask yourself: “What am I experiencing now? Who speaks in me? What does this someone need? And what does he give me? The answers will shed light on the inner conflict you are experiencing.

Second, occupational therapy

Through vigorous activity, gaining experience, through work, a man overcomes infantilism and becomes mature. Long, permanent work is that unpleasant thing that no infantile adult wants to hear about.

My dream is to rent an apartment, go to warmer climes and not work.

Internet forum entry

At the same time, perseverance and perseverance are the first features that help you achieve your goal in life, career, and the world.

Work, even if it's just washing dishes, repairing a kitchen, or planting plants and plowing a field, helps a person cope with internal instability, chaos, insecurity, and even fears.

It doesn't matter at all what kind of work one does, the task is to do something carefully and conscientiously, no matter what one does. Infants often find a trick like “I would definitely work if I found a suitable activity”, while they cannot find such a job or even a field of activity.

Thanks to this self-deception, the infant remains in the usual zone of conditional comfort, not in contact with reality. Everything that an infant can create with his labor is insignificant compared to those intellectual fantasies that are born in his head when he lies on the bed and dreams of what he would do if he could.

Thirdly, knowledge of oneself, one's needs, the ability to withstand both the tension of the need and competently satisfy it.

Psychologically, an adult is aware, accepts and knows how to fulfill his needs and desires of various directions:

desires of the body - care for health, physical tone, energy;
emotional and sensual life - the desire to take care of others, give love and be loved, friendship;
mental needs - knowledge, study, career;
spiritual life - the meaning of one's actions, worldview, faith.

An adult understands that the inner life, needs and desires should be taken seriously, the fulfillment of desires creates a high quality of life.

To desire is to live.

If you demand something for yourself, scream, cry, get offended, then this is your inner child who is used to other adults fulfilling his desires.

If you take care of others while denying yourself, then a nurturing parent is strong inside of you.

If you know how to fulfill your desires and help others in their fulfillment, you are an adult.

Knowing yourself, your desires and aspirations, the ability to fulfill them, to master and negotiate with yourself, to work - these are the first steps towards maturity.

If you are reading this article and recognize yourself in it, then something does not suit you, or others tell you that something in your behavior is wrong. In this case, it is important for you to follow the advice on how to get rid of infantility and start taking small, mouse steps.

It is very difficult, much easier to demand a pill: "hypnotize and make me a stubborn, energetic, adult person." “Oh no? Will seek". Let it be at first small, but long-term goals - to grow radishes, learn English, renovate the kitchen, it is important to do this conscientiously, consciously and "with soul", being present in every moment.

If you are near an infant, then behave like an adult. As long as possible, communicate with a person, counting on the fact that he will be able to control himself with the help of reason and awareness of what is happening.

Otherwise, there comes a time of choice - are you ready to live with an adult child and be a parent to him, or not?

If a person is infantile, then he inevitably suffers from mood swings, experiences constant inner pain and guilt of unfulfillment, which he is trying to get rid of. If this succeeds, then infantilism seems to be cut off from consciousness and is not realized - “this is not about me!” Then a person simultaneously loses contact with a part of himself, ceases to be authentic, real and experiences boredom, emptiness, lives "pretend".

If a person’s infantilism becomes obvious to him, he comes to this understanding himself or with your help, then there is a chance that the sore spot becomes obvious, and the “sick” will experience pain and suffering. This is a powerful way to heal and mature.

Therefore, a person who behaves like a child and receives negative reactions from others and those with whom he often communicates, this makes him suffer, but there is a chance to gradually transform and become mature.

Oysters are very sensitive and need a shell to protect themselves. However, from time to time they must open the shell to “breathe” the water. Sometimes a grain of sand gets along with the water, which hurts the oyster painfully. But this pain cannot induce oysters to change their nature. Slowly and patiently, they wrap a grain of sand in thin translucent layers until, over time, something very valuable and beautiful is formed in this place of pain and vulnerability. The pearl can be thought of as the oyster's response to suffering. And sand is part of the life of an oyster.

Pain and suffering are part of everyday human life. Sometimes these feelings become too strong for us to ignore. And then there comes a moment when we realize that we can no longer remain the way we were. Something within us transforms suffering into wisdom.

Rachel Naomi Remen "My Grandfather's Blessing"

If you have any questions about the article:

"Infantile man: you can't grow up being childish"

You can ask them to our psychologist Online:

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