If everything is in order in life, it goes according to plan, then the desire to feel sorry for oneself does not appear. A person feels faith in his own strength, he is content with life. Pity arises when a person is not able to cope with a problem, does not expect changes for the better.
Pity has different types, it differs in quality content. First of all, it acts as a powerful support for oneself, which manifests itself as taking care of oneself, self-help. Remember your childhood. It was important for us to comfort adults in times of despair or sadness. Their sweet words and encouragement inspired faith in our strength. In adulthood, you can use a similar example. The main thing is that self-pity does not develop into something permanent.
Negative thinking
We often fall into the trap of feeling sorry for ourselves. In this situation, it is difficult to find a way out, since it feeds itself. And everyone who has ever been mired in a web of negative thoughts knows this. Your experiences of failure reinforce negative expectations, which continue to attract new failures to you.
In life, many people, finding themselves in such a situation, are not able to get out of it. Even showing resistance to their own negative thoughts, they at the subconscious level stimulate their emergence, continuing to compare themselves with them. Blaming yourself for negative thoughts will only make the situation worse, rather than give you a chance to fix it.
People who have fallen into a similar trap remain in it until they learn to raise their own self-awareness. It is important for them to understand that sitting in a trap and fighting negative thinking, but continuing to identify with it, they will not be able to win the battle. Consider this: if blaming yourself for negative thinking solved the problem, shouldn't it have disappeared a long time ago? Are you really getting close to solving the problem?
For this reason, the best solution is to end the fight and surrender. Instead of resisting negative thoughts, try to come to terms with them. The result of this approach is the growth of self-awareness.
Self-pity harm
Every day you are more convinced of the injustice of life. And over time, it becomes just that. harms sensations and feelings, a person ceases to be aware of happiness, to see his own strengths. Self-pity does not come by itself. She is often accompanied by resentment and despair. Pity takes strength and energy.
But individuals use pity to "solve" some problems. They boldly manipulate people, basing these actions on their feelings of self-pity, causing the person to blame.
For example, a wife complains that no one notices her housework, she does everything to the maximum, but no one appreciates it. As a result, other family members feel guilty. Or another example: a mother “spent” her whole life trying to raise her son to his feet, and now he constantly reminds him of this when he tries to create his own family.
When you attract self-pity and attention with stories about your own unhappy fate, you again and again convince yourself of the injustice of life. A person ceases to see his own strength, positive. After pity comes resentment, despair. In parallel, there is a splash of negativity on others and its accumulation. And this is a more serious case. By hiding emotions inside, you, on the contrary, will provoke the onset of diseases. What to do?
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself
It is important to understand how to stop feeling sorry for yourself in order to start a normal life.
Begin to monitor under what circumstances and when such a feeling arises, notice why you need it. Maybe you are used to constantly complaining about life at work, and at home to work. You expect other people's attention to your problems. But that won't make the world a better place or a happier life.
After finding out the circumstances of the emergence of the need for self-pity or the desire to complain to others, try to stop the flow of negative thoughts, replacing them with positive ones. You should not expect gratitude from people, even those close to you, for your actions. Do not harbor resentment when you do not receive this very gratitude, or so it seems to you. If you do something, then do it for pleasure, not for gratitude.
If you feel a lack of attention, then speak directly, without looking for indirect gimmicks or forcing others not only to feel sorry for you, but to feel guilty. Try to remember how often you say that someone is good, but you have nowhere worse. As a result, you get the pity of others. They make excuses to you. And only sometimes someone says that you shouldn't, everything will work out. But you can say such words to yourself.
Look at your behavior through the eyes of other people, think about what they would advise you in one situation or another, throwing out all the negativity. When you forget about self-pity, you realize how many wonderful things lie ahead in the world. And it doesn't matter what happened before. You have already understood all the lessons of the past. The main thing is to forget the negative, to realize that you are not acting as a victim, but are able to be the master in every situation.
Positive changes
When a person ceases to feel pity for himself, they will not keep themselves waiting. Many pleasant changes are becoming noticeable. Suddenly, understanding, kind people appear in your environment. And new opportunities and heights come into their own hands. Problems that could not be solved for a long time suddenly turn out to be easy to solve.
This is because you got out of this state of constant pity, learned to look at life adequately. Each person is surrounded by people who are like him. He finds himself in situations that he attracts to himself with prohibitions and fear. The only effective way to change your life and become happy is to change yourself.
So stop feeling sorry for yourself right now. If you think you are having a hard time, and that is how you are able to show tenderness and care to yourself, then stop this self-deception. While you are complaining about the world and feeling sorry for yourself, true opportunities to improve your life are being missed.
March 21, 2014, 15:55Getty Images
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself
Miserable life
Is it possible to admit to someone that, despite one hundred and fifty "likes" under each
selfie, do you consider yourself ugly today? Or that a husband who almost boots you
laces up, pays little attention? People around you will immediately tell you why you are mad and how to cure it. Joachim Stober, a professor of psychology at the University of Kent, says self-pity isn't so bad. You just sincerely sympathize with your own misfortunes. If you really want to feel sad, hug yourself tighter and shake yourself on the arms, the rays of love, which at other times would have gotten to someone else, are hastily redirected to themselves. This is a kind of psychotherapy: you tell the reflection or your friends that your pearls are small and the layer of caviar on your bread is thin, and you feel relief.
It is likely that when a person is compassionate for himself, the same neurochemical process occurs in his brain as in the manifestation of empathy: the level of oxytocin rises. This neurotransmitter is known, among other things, for its calming effects. The main thing is not to get carried away with thinking that other people's problems are much easier to solve than yours. Such an attitude creates the illusion of being chosen: in your eyes, you immediately rise above the crowd, at the same time turning into a woman of a difficult fate.
How can you avoid this?
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and crying? Psychologist Maria Krasilnikova suggests turning self-pity into concern. Come up with a small compensation for every failure: if your trip to Goa fell through, sign up for an Ayurvedic massage, go to Indian dance lessons, get a henna tattoo - and the minimum program for enjoying the South Asian flavor will be completed.
Peerless lady
Alas, good news about someone else's life often multiplies our sadness and melancholy. If, between a cup of morning coffee and admiring the raccoons, I find out that the ex's girlfriend won a grant, and a classmate manages to run a business, raise five children and embroider with a cross, my everyday life is immediately covered with a raid of squalor. But not because of envy, but because of a losing comparison with others.
Popular
Yes, sometimes our existence is like a race. The first school bell at the same time turns out to be a shot from a signal pistol: further, until retirement, you have to work hard with your shoulder blades so as not to find yourself at the end of the race. At first, parents act as coaches, encouraging you by shouting: "Look at Sveta, she is an excellent student and she helps mom." Then viewers join, friends and acquaintances chant: "Dasha got married, and when did you?" So someone's achievements become a scale for measuring your own successes and failures. Very often there are too many people in our Facebook or Vkontakte feed, to whom we lose in the individual standings for beauty, intelligence and personal happiness. A colleague's boyfriend proposed to her a month after they met, and yours has been pulling for five years; Adele received another Grammy statuette, and you were not even given a year-end award. How can you not suspect that you have a particularly lame fate!
Want to call yourself a level 70 loser?
Consider the alarm went off: you are tired of catching up with the crowd. What to do, how to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start living? First, visit social networks less often. A group of psychologists led by Jasmine Forduli found that women who spend a lot of time on Facebook are more dissatisfied with themselves than those who do not follow their friends' feed. Second, deal with unmet needs. If, after looking at Polina Gagarina's page, you plunge into the state of "Nobody loves me", most likely the point is not that you urgently need to rush to the stage, but that you have not been showing off in front of the camera in a new dress, with good styling for a long time and with a bouquet from a fan. Thirdly, compare yourself only with yourself in the past - in order to understand where you have become better.
Get what you deserve
As I recently observed (researchers Katie Charmaz and Klaus Grunert confirm the accuracy of my observations), the monologue of a self-pitying person is usually lavishly peppered with questions about the quest for cosmic justice: "Why would I?" or: "Why (not) me?" No wonder: the desire to ensure that the reward or punishment is proportional to merit is inherent in us from infancy. According to Yale University psychologist Paul Bloom, after watching a show in which one puppet takes the ball away from another, the one-year-old was offered to treat the dolls. He not only did not give food to the naughty toy, but also hit her on the head.
And biologists Frans de Waal and Sarah Brosnan have observed similar impulses in primates. They gave two monkeys different rewards for the same task (the first was a banana and the second was a cucumber). The one who did not get sweets soon began to rebel and behave aggressively.
So the love for endless calculations - how much the Universe owes us - is inherent in us by nature. For example, why don't you have a Birkin bag, but your neighbor does? Your waist is thinner and your IQ is higher!
Keep in mind that these conversations are worth starting with yourself only when you can control the situation. Let's say you are involved in a project and expect compensation for sleepless nights. But nobody owes us anything for beauty and good behavior.
How to stop complaining and feeling sorry for yourself? Usually, on the periphery of consciousness, you understand that your life is no worse and no better than that of others: the same sky, the same air, and also adequate parents, a decent education, an understanding man. Try to move these thoughts from the outskirts to the center of your attention. If every day you learn to say "thank you" for what you have - and this is a very useful Buddhist practice - you will receive even more joy and warmth from the world.
Text: Asya Alekseeva
People who feel sorry for themselves are never happy.
People who feel sorry for themselves are never rich.
People who feel sorry for themselves are never successful.
To understand How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting, you must first of all identify whether you are in a victim state. To do this, answer yourself the following questions:
- When a trouble happens to you, who do you blame in the first place?
- When you were offended / betrayed, how do you feel at this moment?
After a failure, how long have you been in a sad mood?
- Do you want to tell your loved ones about the injustice that befell you?
If you answered the questions like this:
- Other people, situation, higher powers;
- Anger and resentment towards another person;
- For a long time, replaying all the moments that happened;
- I want and tell me to be supported, pitied and understood.
... then you feel sorry for yourself and you need to think about .
How to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting? In fact, the recipe is very simple. You need to realize that always and in everything you are responsible for what is happening. Even in those cases when you did nothing or did not know anything about the events. Man always reaps what he sowed. This is the law of life. And if you previously sowed the seeds of kindness, then you will reap favorable events, but if negative emotions or even actions emanated from you, then trouble is guaranteed. It's just very difficult to grasp the connection, since time passes between the first and second events. And then it seems that what happened is the greatest injustice in the world.
Have you been offended? Think about it, have you offended someone earlier? Not necessarily on purpose, maybe not on purpose. But since a person has experienced stress because of you, the boomerang mechanism is launched.
You are sick? Remember what negative emotions you felt lately? Maybe you were angry or judging someone? Seething anger and unspoken accusations often result in sore throat and fever.
Have you been shouted at? And to whom did you raise your voice? Not necessarily today, maybe earlier.
A person who feels sorry for himself shifts responsibility for what is happening from himself and hangs on anyone: other people, an unfavorable combination of circumstances, a bad fate, and so on. He does not understand that the event that has now unbalanced him, he created yesterday. And the way he behaves today already creates tomorrow's event.
When you realize how karma works, you understand the essence of cause-and-effect relationships, you will stop feeling sorry for yourself and start acting. You create your life and what it will be depends on you!
Self-pity can ruin your life. She is ruthless and unforgiving. It forces a person to admit that he is weak and unable to defend himself. Sometimes it is necessary because it allows you to think about whether we are spending too much time on other people, forgetting about ourselves and our interests. But when this turns into the norm, it's time to sound the alarm. Otherwise, instead of the necessary shake that this feeling carries in you, you become helpless. Pity can and should be fought for, for those who do not want to spend their days in oblivion and decline.
We analyze how to stop feeling sorry for yourself
Getting rid of what gets in the way of life is not easy. This requires strength and great willpower, but most importantly - motivation. Without understanding that you really need it, you will not be able to correct the situation. There will always be reasons and excuses not to change anything. Therefore, you must realize that self-pity is the road to nowhere. It does not bring any benefit, does not help to forget, does not correct the situation. It simply allows you to do nothing and believe that you are surrounded by only enemies. At the same time, the person is deeply convinced that only external circumstances and envious people are to blame for his problems. In some cases, this is true, but it does not help in any way to cope with difficulties.
Even if someone is to blame for your problems, you are solely able to decide how to proceed and how to remove such interference. If you allow self-pity and continue to decide for you, then all the achievements will have to be forgotten forever. They will simply become inaccessible, and they are not needed, because you think that in this cruel world nothing depends on a person like you, and all that remains is to feel sorry for yourself.
If you want to avoid such a fate, then get used to benefit from any difficulties. There are no situations that cannot be used to your advantage. Any setbacks give experience, open up a new path to achieving a dream, force you to adjust plans due to the revealed circumstances. All this can play an important role in life, if you remember about it.
Not wanting to admit it is another way to deprive yourself of the opportunities that are opening up. Any failure is not a reason to be upset, it is, first of all, a signal that you have not taken everything into account or failed to obtain the necessary information. This is not your fault, these are just life circumstances that cannot be gotten rid of, they can only be experienced and sometimes avoided.
Those who are able to accept this fact and have learned to use it to their advantage will always win. The one who, even with a small and insignificant failure, plunges into depression, begins to look for problems in himself, and not to analyze what happened, which does not always depend on him, is doomed to lose, no matter what he does and no matter how unlucky he is. Due to the inability and unwillingness to control oneself, to control the emotions that create problems, one can forever remain a real loser.
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“Those who want - are looking for ways, and those who do not want - excuses,” as the well-known aphorism says. Those who want to achieve success, take care of themselves, take care of their health, study, develop, take responsibility for their lives. He doesn't try to hide behind self-pity, knowing to get rid of it as soon as he's benefited. He does not complain about the lack of money, but looks for the opportunities that he has.
Let his path to success, which he dreams of, take longer than the one with more opportunities, but he will reach it, no matter how long it takes, which cannot be said about others.
And confirmation that everything depends on the person himself, and not on the circumstances, are numerous success stories, when those who did not have money and connections received much more than those who did. The ability to achieve what we want, no matter how unattainable at first glance, lies within us, and not in someone's hands, rich parents, husbands or influential acquaintances.
Top 7 how to stop feeling sorry for yourself
- Never let others take advantage of you, but do not expect recognition and gratitude from others. You are not obligated to do what causes protest and creates problems, especially when the person should do it himself, without shifting his responsibilities to you. Let your children, husband, friends, and family grow and develop, rather than taking on their problems. And stop thinking that someone has to thank you. You do something nice because you want to, and not for the sake of someone's gratitude.
- When, during the next bout of self-pity, you think how unlucky you were to be born in such a family or to become what you wanted, but someone gets it all easily, and even undeservedly, read the story of their success, if it is well-known people. There is no literature about those who are remembered, so read the biographies of celebrities. If you are not callous at heart, then you will always understand that their life was not at all like a fairy tale until they achieved their goals, and, having earned success, their life did not always turn into a continuous holiday, but sometimes presented the hardest trials. Think of the beloved by many Marilyn Monroe.
- Never compare yourself to others, no matter how successful and happy they are. There are always people who are more successful, even if a person has reached great heights. You can only compare yourself with yourself, with who you were then and who you are now, what successes you achieved, what obstacles you overcame, what troubles you managed to get out of, despite the fact that everything was against you. Think about it more often, and then you will have no reason to feel sorry for yourself.
- Try not to complain for a week. Test your willpower. And to make it easier to conduct such an experiment, as soon as you want to complain, remember something good that brings up pleasant memories. You yourself will not notice how your view of the world around you will begin to change. Often it is the mood of a person that determines how he will feel today. If you manage it and, as often as possible, protect yourself from any negative thoughts and people, it will not be difficult to change your mood for the better.
- Do you really have nothing to be proud of, for which to praise yourself. Is it so bad that all you have to do is think about how unhappy you are. Or you simply do not have enough attention from loved ones, and in this way you are trying to get it. There is nothing wrong with this desire, but the way to get it is far from perfect. Imagine yourself in the place of relatives, you would like to hear constantly complaints about everything and everyone from those who are nearby. Especially if any of your advice on how to cope with the difficulties that are the reasons for the complaints were reacted with a variety of excuses. And all due to the fact that they are not looking for help from you, but they just want to be paid attention. In fact, earning attention is easy, with much more pleasant words and actions, and not those that over time begin to irritate, even for those who love you.
- Take a look around, because you are not alone. Nearby live people with disabilities, with serious illnesses, orphans, unhappy unnecessary animals, which man tamed many millennia ago and they simply have nowhere to go except to people for help. What can we say about those countries where there is a ruthless war, starving and sick, terrible cataclysms occur. There are always those who are much worse off, but among them there are many who, in spite of everything, learn to rejoice and believe in miracles.
- If you are doing charity work, even if it is a small material aid for shelters with homeless animals or sponsoring orphanages, you are already worthy of respect. You have something to respect, value and love yourself for, but not pity. Remember this always!
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Life is difficult, dangerous and beautiful at the same time. It is filled with both joyful and sad events. Often the black stripe is so long and heavy that even the strongest person's nerves fail and he begins to feel sorry for himself. And instead of analyzing what is happening, shaking up in time and recuperating, he plunges into the abyss of despair. But this does not bring much needed relief and improvement in the current situation. Whether you like it or not, until the person himself decides to rise and move on, nothing in his life will change. Therefore, it is so important to stop feeling sorry for yourself when it interferes with life and turns into a real problem. Instead, you need to collect the remaining strength and take a step forward in order to finally realize your dreams.
Feeling sorry for yourself means being able to show empathy for yourself. This is a very important skill, but only if you don't overdo it.
Excessive self-pity can turn into pathology, which will greatly interfere with your normal life. So follow the instructions on how to avoid it.
1. Realize that no one owes you anything
The world should not be kind or fair to you. People don't have to love you or help you. Nobody owes you anything at all. And the sooner you understand this, the more likely it is that you will not suffer from the "injustice of what is happening."
There are predatory laws in the world: if you are weak, you will simply be eaten. People only support you because they want to, and not because you are considered their friend or relative.
2. Learn to ask for help
It would seem that we are talking about the lack of self-pity - why is this point? And here's the thing: if no one owes you anything, and you need help, learn to tell other people about it.
People around you do not always see your problems, since they are often obvious only to the one who is mired in them. That is, the inaction of people close to you can be justified by the fact that you do not ask them for help.
Well, the second option is that people just think that you can do just fine without their support.
So, in order not to feel rejected, first make sure that those close to you are aware of your state of affairs.
3. Realize your responsibility
Realizing that the responsibility lies with you is extremely important for an adult. You need to learn to take responsibility for your words, actions, failures as early as possible. Learn not only to make decisions, but also to take on the responsibility to bring the work started to the end.
In case of failure, analyze the energy spent on the implementation of the conceived. If something did not work out, then you did not put in enough effort or made a mistake. And debriefing can save you from repeating a similar fate.
If you begin to shift this burden onto other people, you feel sorry for yourself, making yourself a victim, depriving yourself of the opportunity to learn from your mistakes.
4. Stop making excuses for yourself
If you were not hired by a cool company after the interview, this does not mean that all the places in it have been bought. Admit that you just didn't suit them. Maybe you didn’t have enough experience or, besides you, there were other worthy candidates, or maybe you got it wrong during the interview.
Stop thinking that you are very smart, cool, kind, and those around you simply do not notice and do not appreciate it. Instead, focus your energies on self-improvement. After all, if something does not work out for you, it means that you simply did not acquire the necessary skills. And if people are unhappy with you, listen and try to pay attention to your behavior. Perhaps your behavior from the outside really looks a little different from what it seems to you.
5. Learn to build a constructive dialogue instead of harboring grudges
Not only girls, but also many men are distinguished by excessive touchiness, although this is not so emotionally manifested in them. On the contrary, the stronger sex is often silent about the things that touched him, not wanting to inflate a scandal.
This is one of the most common mistakes. Instead of sitting down in a calm atmosphere and discussing what does not suit you, you close your discontent in yourself, preventing it from getting out.
Needless to say, because of this, sooner or later you will begin to consider yourself disadvantaged, your discontent will flow into a feeling of your own insignificance. So try to give yourself or someone else time to cool down and come back to discussing the problem again.
6. Try to replace feelings of pity with other emotions
Analyze situations that cause you to constantly feel sorry for yourself. Don't list situations involving death, job loss, or breaking up of a close relationship.
First, try to understand why you feel sorry for yourself. Maybe positive emotions would help you here. It may seem crazy at first, but the ability to think positively helps a lot in life.
Learning to do this is not so difficult - you just need to try to get around your negative attitudes, finding yourself a pleasant activity to your liking. So in difficult moments you will be distracted from experiencing negative emotions.
The activity can be anything: if you like music, turn on your favorite band and put on headphones; I like to walk - go out for an evening walk in the fresh air.
7. Avoid people who constantly complain about life
You are a reflection of your surroundings, so you need to select it with extreme caution. With whom you will lead, as they say ... And it is said correctly.
Reduce the number of like-minded people about self-pity. Communication with such people will only fuel negative emotions and make you feel sorry for yourself even more.
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