How to accept that there will be no children. How to deal with not having kids

Infrequently, but still there are situations when pregnancy does not occur even after a variety of treatments for many years. In such cases, there is nothing left but to accept the situation and try to live with it. How to come to terms with infertility - psychologists give answers to this question.

Humility is the last resort

There are times when pregnancy is impossible in principle - for example, if there is no uterus. But more often there are situations when conception does not occur for reasons that can be reversible. In this case, you should not give up - it is important to first accurately determine the cause of infertility and try to overcome it, look for a qualified doctor who will take up the treatment.
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Stop blaming yourself or your partner

Finding someone to blame is the most unconstructive way to solve any problem. At a minimum, this will not change anything, but will only aggravate the depression. Well, in the worst case, the accusations can cause the breakup of the family, and then it will be much more difficult to achieve your goal.

Don't allow yourself to be dominated by stereotypes.

You need to get married before the age of 25, give birth before 30, life without children is incomplete - all this is nothing more than stereotypes that others persistently broadcast. It is important to understand that everyone has their own path that needs to be walked with dignity. If there are no children, you can focus on a career, get additional education or go on a trip. In a word, it is important to understand that a family is primarily a life together, and not the presence of children. And a woman is valuable not because she is a mother, but because she is a person.

Dedicate time to hobbies

Hobbies help relieve stress and enjoy every day

Doing what you love is a way to have fun, calm down, relieve stress, mental and physical overwork. A hobby is also one of the ways to enjoy life, enjoy every day of it, giving up negative thoughts. How to deal with infertility for a man? Find time for fishing, billiards, equestrian clubs or other hobbies that will make life richer and more varied.

Don't lock yourself in

Infertility is a common problem, even if pregnancy does not occur due to the state of health of only one of the spouses. You should not worry alone, you should share your anxieties and fears with your partner, because it is much easier to overcome them together. In the same way, one should not refuse to help him: let difficulties unite, and not become a cause of disagreement.

Do charity work

There are many people around us who need help. These are kids in orphanages, and grandmothers in nursing homes, and just lonely neighbors in the stairwell. Volunteers are always required for charitable foundations, missing persons search units. Charity is, among other things, the upbringing of the ability to endure difficulties and gratefully accept the joys that life gives.

Alternative ways

It is possible to become parents today not only in a natural way. In Russia, for example, surrogate motherhood is allowed, so if you have sufficient funds, you can resort to it. Inmates of orphanages are waiting for mom and dad, and the state encourages the adoption of children in a family in every possible way. Finally, if one of the spouses is infertile (for example, if a woman wonders how to come to terms with her husband's infertility), there are donor programs, and donation in the Russian Federation is anonymous.

In addition, do not forget that there is a so-called, in which the basic physiological and laboratory parameters of both partners are in order, but pregnancy does not occur. A psychologist or psychotherapist will help to identify the underlying causes of this condition and overcome it.

Maybe it's not all that scary?

Many, reading these paragraphs, may say that such phrases will sound very cruel. But for those who find themselves in such a situation, it can really help. In fact, not all women who cannot have children want children so badly. They were influenced by the desire of the husband, the attitude of the family, and so on. Everyone was worried and killed about the fact that a woman could not get pregnant. As a result, looking at how everyone perceives the current situation, the woman herself begins to believe that a terrible grief has happened to her and she madly wants to become a mother. Although, if there was no such pressure from others, most likely, she would not perceive the situation so sharply. Therefore, if you have already been diagnosed with such a diagnosis, be honest with yourself. There is nothing terrible and terrible in the fact that a woman may not want children so much to kill herself for the rest of her life because of their absence. Therefore, analyze the circumstances and give yourself honest answers. Just don't worry about what others think. It doesn't concern them at all. A normal person who loves you will only be happy, because his loved one will stop suffering. And those who begin to lament and wonder how she can live like this, a soulless bastard, and not cry into her pillow every day, are not worthy of your attention at all, because it is simply impossible to call such people close. Whatever stereotypes are not imposed by society, people who love us will definitely not be guided by them in such situations and will be glad that it has become easier for us.

Correct Support

If experiences are really a consequence of unfulfilled desires, then you need to learn how to deal with this and in no case should you allow yourself to dwell on what happened. That is why you need the right support. There should be someone next to you who can help you get out of depression, which, most likely, will begin because of what happened, and will not drive you even deeper into the abyss of despair. Therefore, in the current situation, in no case do not allow those who openly feel sorry for you. You just don't need pity. Yes, at first you will want to cry and speak out and your close person will have to listen to you, sympathize, support. But after some time, support tactics will need to be changed. The one who is next to you, on the contrary, should not allow you to constantly think about it and suffer from your thoughts. Unfortunately, there are people who like the suffering of others. It is such a person who will sit next to you and constantly lament: “Oh, what a poor unfortunate you are, how God punished you. It’s so terrible that you won’t have children. How can you live with such grief. Moreover, such a woman can lament in this way (and such behavior in ninety-nine cases out of a hundred is typical for ladies) to infinity. If you yourself begin to try to get out of the state of depression, it will immediately drive you back, remembering how bad you must be and what a terrible and meaningless life you have now. So in this situation, stay away from such people. A normal friend who really wants to be supportive would never do that. Once you cry, he will force you to pull yourself together and will stop such conversations both between you and in the society in which you are. So if you really do not want to suffer for the rest of your life and want to cope with your condition, be sure to try to communicate as much as possible with a person who can really support you. For such a person, you should not be a victim, over which you need to shake and cry with her. On the contrary, he will always try to remind you that you - strong man fix the situation. For many, this person becomes a husband. But if it's not, no big deal. The main thing is that he does not put pressure on you and does not turn into a dull, eternally depressing creature. And you can get support from your mother, close friend, sister. The main thing is that this person knows you very well and understands what and when to say in order to support, set you up for positive and not let you fall apart. If you constantly communicate with such a person, then over time you will notice that it really becomes easier. And in many ways it will be precisely his merit, since he will force you to pull yourself together, change the situation, do something, and not sour at home, suffering and hating yourself for what you are completely not to blame.

Children are not only given by God

If you really want to be a mother so much, then, first of all, you need a child whom you will love. Of course, having your own is ideal, but if there is no such possibility, you can always save someone's life. Go to the orphanage. And you just don’t need to listen to those who say: “Oh, who knows whose child, what if the genes are bad, what if he grows up to be an alcoholic or a moral monster.” Genes are a rather unpredictable thing. Even in your family, there must have been the same alcoholics somewhere. And there is a chance that they will be transferred to your own child after six generations. Therefore, do not pay attention to such nonsense. Even hereditary alcoholics can grow up to be a normal child if they are given the right values, taught not to make mistakes, and to treat situations and others fairly. Therefore, do not be afraid of what evil tongues predict for you. And do not be confused by the fact that the child may not be like you. Over time, he will take over your habits, words, gestures, and looking at him, no one will doubt that this is your son or daughter. Always remember that children become family not because we gave birth to them, but because we love them and put ourselves and our soul into them. So don't suffer.

Hello dear! When you heard about the terrible diagnosis of "infertility", did you fall into a stupor? You and your husband have been planning a child for so long, but the doctors said that the chances are minimal? Suggested alternative methods of conception and even recommended to think about adoption? I understand that your life is divided into two parts. And it's hard to come to terms with the idea that children's laughter will never sound in your house. But you do not need to put an end to yourself and relationships. Childless couples can live happily ever after, like in a fairy tale. The main thing is not to despair and believe in a brighter future. How? Now you will know.

More information

Did you know that the diagnosis of "infertility" is given to all couples who have not been able to conceive a child within a year? This is not a verdict. This means that you and your husband will have a long trip to the doctors and numerous studies. You will have to donate more than one liter of blood and undergo an ultrasound of the pelvic organs.

I understand that despair has settled in your head. I want to hide from the whole world and cry. You constantly ask God or the Universe what the punishment is for, but you don't get an answer. Why do we need money, an apartment, a car and a good position, if there is no most important thing? Perhaps the doctors were wrong? They made the wrong diagnosis. You will have a delay, and the test will show the long-awaited two strips.

A woman who first heard about her infertility falls into a stupor and begins to deny the problem. Yes, crying is good. They leave with tears negative emotions and relief comes, but it will be short-lived. If you suffer and feel sorry for yourself for a long time, sobbing turns into a real depression with apathy, lack of appetite, insomnia and other health problems.

Need to shake up. Wash up, have breakfast and start collecting information. Study your problem. Read specialized literature. No, not forum posts, but medical books, journals and dissertations. You will understand that there is no hope only in cases where the woman's uterus or ovaries are completely removed. With primary and secondary, as well as psychological infertility, you can get pregnant. Of course, if you don't give up.

Consult with the husband at other expert. Find a doctor who takes on even the most difficult cases. Don't be afraid to ask about the diagnosis and your chances. Consider different treatments. Trust the doctor you choose and follow all the recommendations. And remember that miracles happen. Sometimes couples who come to terms with their diagnosis suddenly become the happiest parents after 7-10 years or more.

Why did I do it

Gradually you realize that the diagnosis is correct. And then despair and denial is replaced by anger. You hate your body. This traitor who cannot give the world new life. You begin to remember how, in her youth, she loved to wear short skirts in twenty-degree frost and sit on cold benches. You scold yourself for smoking at the university and abusing alcohol. And if you've ever had an abortion, it's even scary to imagine what's going on in your head right now.

Stop it! No one knew that spikes would appear due to nylon tights. Perhaps nicotine and alcohol are not to blame for infertility. And even the ill-fated abortion, done out of stupidity, did not affect the health of the uterus and appendages. Just once in your body there was a failure. It could even arise because of an unpleasant conversation with the boss or a quarrel with her husband. Is it really now necessary to punish the boss or kill the partner?

The past cannot be changed. No need to blame your twenty-year-old self for all the sins and become depressed. The longer the body is in a state of stress, the more exacerbated chronic diseases. And there are new health problems that reduce the chances of conceiving a long-awaited child.

Realize that you only have today. In 24 hours, you can find a way to restore reproductive function. Try hormonal drugs or agree to surgery. Make a plan to save money for IVF. Consider adoption or surrogacy.

The main thing is to stop blaming yourself and constantly think that if you had decided to have a child 5 years ago, then everything would have been wonderful. If you want to hate someone, then be angry at the disease. Deal with a diagnosis. But stop destroying yourself! It is not your fault. And husband. And even the doctors who made the diagnosis. It just happened. Accept it and move on.

Discuss the problem

Surviving a terrible diagnosis is not easy. I want to quit a promising position, close in the bedroom and file for divorce so as not to spoil my husband's life. After all, you are haunted by the thought that a healthy partner can have children. Only with another woman, to whom he will definitely go. And if not now, then in 10 years. A rich imagination draws a pregnant mistress, always young and beautiful. Depression gets worse, and it becomes more and more difficult for you to fight it.

Don't commit major mistake the majority of women who learn about infertility. Do not move away from the second half. Do not build a stone wall between yourself and your husband. Just sit down and talk. It is difficult to discuss a terrible diagnosis. Especially when it seems that from a full-fledged and purposeful woman you have turned into a person with handicapped. Without the right to vote and existence.

In reality, you are yourself. Infertility does not turn a woman into an inferior being. Have you lost your wit, professional skills and knowledge? Became a bad specialist or an uninteresting interlocutor? Would you really stop communicating with your best friend if you find out that she is not able to conceive and bear a child? Will you condemn her or hate her?

Honey, you remain a full-fledged and talented girl who has many happy moments ahead of her. Keep planning for your future, but do it with your husband. After hearing the diagnosis, you should not hide in your own shell, but openly discuss the problem.

Share your fears and concerns with your partner. Tell me about the pictures that a wild imagination paints. Ask what your husband thinks about the diagnosis? Is the partner able to come to terms with the absence of children? Do you agree with any of your decisions? Ready to support in difficult times? To take tests, consult with doctors, undergo additional examinations? Comfort and wipe your tears, soothe and fight your depression?

Explain that the first few months will be very difficult. It is difficult for couples who dreamed of a child to forget about their desires forever. A woman must come to terms with the diagnosis. Switch your attention to other things. For example, pursue your own career or quit your job and go to trip around the world.

Try to spend more time with your husband. Just don't sit alone in an apartment. In the four walls it is difficult to get rid of obsessive thoughts and depression. Come out into the light. Buy tickets for movie premieres and music concerts. Visit exhibitions and cafes. Spend your weekend in the mountains or by the sea. Walk in the park, do dance or yoga. There are many interesting and unusual hobbies in the world. Most importantly, support each other if you don't want to lose love.

Terrible diagnoses either bring people together or separate them. And if your man could not stand it and left, try not to get upset and not be sad. It means that the person was not ready to go through fire and water with you. Then why do you need such a partner who quits in difficult times? And you deserve happiness. And you will definitely find a new goal in life, and when the pain subsides, you can build new, stronger and more wonderful relationships.

New acquaintances and hobbies

Now it seems that in the whole world you are the only one with such a diagnosis. The rest of the people can have a baby any time they want. And only you and your husband will meet old age in splendid isolation. In fact, there are many childless couples who have gone through denial, anger and acceptance. Try to find and communicate with women who have received the same diagnosis from doctors.

Write to groups or forums. Then invite a couple to a cafe or to your home. Believe me, they will gladly share their experiences and give some actionable advice. You will understand that you do not need to dwell on the problem. Learn to live with infertility and find hope.

Perhaps the Universe has decided that it is too early for you and your husband to become parents. Strength, energy and time can be spent on a career. And in order not to sit at home after an eight-hour working day, you should find yourself a hobby. Try to draw or embroider, start a blog or sign up for a foreign language course.

If you need to take care of someone, spend your free time in animal shelters or nursing homes. When a person helps other people, he does not have time for depression and gloomy thoughts. You can take care of the kids from the orphanage, if other people's children do not cause an attack of anger and aggression.

Discuss your diagnosis with close friends and family. Let your parents, brothers and sisters support you in difficult times. Ask people around you not to talk about pregnancy, babies, or other triggers. If one of the relatives or friends continues to discuss diapers, first teeth and the happiness of motherhood, stop communicating with him. Take care of your strength and nervous system.

Family holidays worsen your emotional state? Is it difficult to look at cheerful and happy relatives? You don't have to attend all events. Especially, christenings and birthdays of other people's children. Family and friends should understand and accept your condition.

Pets and other targets

A pet can replace a child. Take a kitten or puppy with your husband. A four-legged pet needs care and love. Animals save from feelings of loneliness and depression. They help with psychological infertility. A woman who has a dog or cat turns all her attention to her ward and relaxes. The subconscious blocks that prevented her from getting pregnant disappear, and after a while the test shows a second strip.

If it seems that cats and dogs will not replace a child, and you don’t want to think about adoption or surrogate motherhood, contact a psychologist. A professional will help you switch to work or a hobby. He will tell you how to cope with thoughts of your own inferiority and depression. Prescribe pills to calm down nervous system. You will learn to live with your diagnosis. You will find a new meaning in life.

Can't afford a consultation with a psychotherapist? Then try to work out the problem yourself. Start with the main one. Ask yourself why you need a child. Women with early years are taught that their main duty is to become a good mother. Some girls start thinking about pregnancy under the pressure of grandmothers who want grandchildren. Others are encouraged by their husbands to think about children. They talk with burning eyes about colleagues playing football with their sons. They dream aloud about the heir, who must keep the ancient surname.

But if a woman sits down and analyzes the desire to have a baby, it turns out that in fact she wanted to become the owner of a beauty salon and travel around the world. And the baby is associated only with sleepless nights, dirty diapers, lack of money and lack of prospects.

Yes, many girls find it difficult to admit even to themselves that a child is not the most important thing in life. But don't be afraid of the "wrong" thoughts. Perhaps the Universe did not punish you, but gave you the opportunity to realize your desires. And the husband, if he is loving and understanding, will support you during this difficult period. Come up with your own rituals and traditions that will strengthen relationships and help you get closer. For example, every year go for a week in the mountains. Give symbolic gifts for your wedding anniversary. Write letters of gratitude and tell each other why you love your soulmate.

Dear reader, it is difficult to come to terms with the diagnosis of infertility. It will take time for you to recognize and accept the new you. But you and your husband will definitely cope. Just remember that life does not end, and you deserve to be happy.

A new section called "Confession" is opening - about ordinary people with a difficult fate. It contains stories about the great will of life, compassion and mercy, mistakes and hope. Behind every story is someone's life, someone's pain, someone's suffering, someone's torment. And each of them is a revelation!

Perhaps, after reading them, there will be a desire to make the world kinder, to look around, to lend a helping hand to the needy, to stand by at a difficult moment, to do a tiny, but an act that will bring more love and warmth to this world.

A request to readers to treat the heroes of each story told in the rubric with a share of justified compassion - they had to remember and experience again what the memory kept for years in a secret attic behind the lock: "Forget".

"... No one saved me from this stupidity under the terrible, almost hated, name" abortion ". No one warned me about the depressing" anniversaries "- the date of conception, pregnancy test and ... abortion. This is a vicious circle. Gone I'm seven years old, and I'm still haunted by a look from nowhere.I can't look at pregnant women, pain squeezes my heart every time I see a young mother with a child.I would give a lot to be in their place now.I often have thoughts about how could be my baby, how my life would change if I gave birth to him. I look at children of his age, try them on myself.

Narmina (name changed for ethical reasons) did not even consider leaving the child. According to her, then she thought that she and her husband could not cope with two kids. She was sure that she was doing everything right: she built saving barriers in her head. But the pain after an abortion every day stirs thoughts, the soul, "cutting the heart into small pieces."

“Do I grieve, do I remember!? After the abortion, I counted the nights and days, months and years! I kept wondering when the pain would leave me after the abortion, it would become easier. The worst hours are the nights: you are left alone with your thoughts, from which there is no escape, no shelter, there are nights when wild horror seizes me.After all, I made a mistake that cannot be corrected, punished for the rest of my life.Cold-hearted, my yesterday's persuasion: no need to suffer another cesarean, there will be no problems with baby diapers ", life will get better, a lot of plans for the future - today they seem ridiculous, worthless compared to life with a child. In those days, I thought little about him as a person, he was something abstract for me. I thought I would give birth again. In addition , after the first cesarean, about two years passed, I was afraid of complications (crying) ... "

Narmina cannot get pregnant, the doctors wrote her a bouquet of female diseases, against which none of them can guarantee that she will be able to get pregnant.

In women, reproductive disorders after induced abortion reach 15% in a year, and 50% in five years.

In addition to women's diseases, due to the use of strong hormonal drugs, small tumors formed in one, and after a while in the other breast. She suffers from daily pain, and soon she will also have to undergo an operation if the treatment does not give the desired result.

“I went for an abortion with my mother, my husband went to his family that day. I remember that I was very offended by him, the misunderstanding between us grew like a snowball. that day I would so like to find a clue not to do this ...

I don’t remember how I got back to the ward after the abortion, but I remember how the nurse came in and told me: “That’s it, you are no longer pregnant.” It was then that for the first time I was seized by a feeling of wildness and absurdity of what was happening. Abortion is horrible...

According to Narmina, her discord with her mother-in-law began even before her marriage. In the third month after the wedding, after a big scandal, the spouse's mother showed her the door. Narmina returned to her father's house, pregnant with her first child, her husband left with her, but he did not contradict his mother. So they huddled with her mother for the first two years. They had their own apartment, but there was no money for repairs.

“In such a situation, with a young daughter in her arms, without work, with eternal grievances and misunderstandings between me and my husband, my mother incited him almost every day against me, I found out that I was pregnant. Abortion seemed to me a way out of the situation. that day ... No one and nothing will fill the void that I feel after that day. The terrible thing is that she did not give life to her child, she arranged a massacre against him. "

Today, Narmina has a daughter, she is nine years old, she works, they moved to a new apartment, relations with her husband improved. The only thing they dreamed about together today was another baby. And if Narmina is still zealous, does not believe the verdicts of doctors, hopes to be cured and be sure to become a mother again, her husband today is seriously afraid for her health. Behind last years The wife's immune system is greatly weakened, she is increasingly sick.

According to doctors, sometimes it is not possible to get pregnant again after an abortion, even the most gentle abortion methods do not guarantee the preservation of childbearing function.

“Often I have nightmares, and I cry, my husband (he sharply regrets those days) tries to comfort, but I understand that he cannot comprehend the depth of my pain. I am afraid of the thought that I can no longer experience the joy of motherhood, I can’t give your daughter a brother or sister. It hurts to the bone that I won’t have it again: the first smile, the first cry, the first breastfeeding, the first steps, the first “mother”, the first fives, triples at school, the first friendship, falling in love .. "If I could get pregnant and give birth to a healthy child... But I can't, because there is nothing for the fertilized egg to cling to, it does not attach to the membrane in the uterine cavity. Consequences of an abortion seven years ago."

Narmina after the abortion long years thought that everything was fine with her, did not suspect that her physical and even emotional illnesses were related to the abortion. Many girls and women are not aware of post-abortion symptoms such as infertility, problems with conception, stillbirth, premature birth, miscarriage, depression, suicidal impulses, and more...

In Azerbaijan, the abortion statistics are deplorable, about 35 percent of women have had an abortion once in their lives...

The news of pregnancy can cause a variety of emotions: joy, surprise, confusion, confidence. Among these women who have had an abortion and those when the long-awaited news turned out to be a great disappointment for them, she hears: "Abortion for medical reasons." Sometimes abortion is not a choice when you cannot choose an alternative in a situation with no alternative. There are times when a pregnancy must be terminated for medical reasons. When pregnancy can greatly worsen the condition of the pregnant woman herself, we are talking about the life and death of the mother, doctors suggest terminating the pregnancy.

"What can I say to those who are thinking what to choose: abortion or the birth of a child ..? If there is no need to terminate the pregnancy for medical reasons, do not deprive yourself of the happiness of motherhood, seven years ago I had an abortion, and today doctors cannot help me. I "I can't have children anymore. Love your baby, don't believe the fairy tales about the clot of cells. It's a lie! He is a man and has the right to life. Don't make the same mistake as me. Don't have an abortion. It hurt me to talk about it." , but if, having heard my pain, someone retreated from the idea of ​​having an abortion, I am very happy for a new life ... "

At the end of the story, Narmina suddenly went into another room, returning a minute later with a notebook in which the verse was written:

"I am an unborn child.

I am a rootless soul named No.

I am a prickly chill in the soul of a doctor,

A bundle cut by people from the shoulder.

May it be easy for you, father and mother,

Live like everyone else and understand nothing.

Still, I love you the most.

Even if you have forgotten this sin..."

"I didn't forget"...

Zarina Oruj

Anton Mikhailovich, good afternoon! I hope very much for your help. My husband and I are trying to have a baby, but it doesn’t work, both of us are hard to bear, especially me. Tell me how to stop cycling on this? Every month, on the first days of the cycle, I have a tragedy, tears, and so much effort and money spent on examinations, they don’t find anything understandable. If I start thinking, I calm down and understand that I can love an adopted child, it seems that there is no problem as such, if God does not give his own. But sometimes bitterness rolls over like that, it is not clear what is wrong. I would be very grateful if you could give me some advice. How to reconcile?

Maria, Ukraine, Kyiv, 26 years old

Family Psychologist Answer:

Hello Maria.

Unfortunately, it is impossible to answer this question in writing in sufficient volume. Because to begin with, you personally need to find out - what are your own children for you? What significance does this have for you? Why are you "fixated" on this? And now I can’t even imagine what kind of beliefs you have behind this. They can be found, traced, and helped to reshape, but this requires exploration of your personality. Second - you need to explore your relationship with your husband. It sometimes happens that unconsciously one of the couple, and sometimes both, are not ready for the appearance of children. Sometimes it is corrected psychologically, sometimes not. And in this regard, you still need to know your medical history - what the doctors found in general, which of you, what are their forecasts. That's when you can fully understand all this. In general, I witnessed several similar situations: with some couples, we worked for some time to accept the situation that there may not be children. Then I strongly recommended that the couple take a "vacation" from this topic for a certain period of time - a year, about two years. And we worked on what goals, plans, each of the spouses wants to achieve at this time, and then return to the topic of children. Everyone was aware of their goals, made plans, the couple began to live for some time in the “for themselves” mode. And interestingly, 2/3 of these couples had children during this period on their own. If you do not find the strength and desire to work with a psychologist now, try to take a "time out" from this topic for at least six months. And make love only for the sake of pleasure, and connect plans mainly with self-realization and pleasures, work or hobbies, home improvement and other tasks of your couple. And if it doesn’t work out at all, then yes, it turns out that there is a really strong fixation on the problem, and here you can’t do without a psychologist. Because the fixation itself can, on an unconscious level, prevent the birth of a child, especially if doctors do not find anything serious in physiology.

Sincerely, Nesvitsky Anton Mikhailovich.