The main manifestations of infantilism
If you quote a reference book on psychiatry, then infantilism is a discrepancy between an individual and his biological age. Infantilism is the result of several complexes: the first complex is “I don’t want to grow up”, the second complex is “I am afraid of responsibility”, and there is also a spoiled complex - when a person is used to that everyone owes him something. But infantilism has other facets: unwillingness to accept age, the desire to look younger. Modern civilization itself is focused on stopping the maturation of the individual, on preserving a small child, an infant, in the shell of an adult. The cult of youth, the vast array of entertainment our culture has to offer, all provoke the child in us to wake up and push aside the adult within.
So, human infantilism is immaturity, expressed in a delay in the formation of a personality, in which a person’s behavior does not meet the age requirements for him. Infantile people are not independent in decisions and actions, they have a reduced criticality towards themselves and an increased demand for self-care. They are characterized by a variety of compensatory reactions, these include fantasies that replace realities, egocentrism, selfishness. Where does infantilism come from? Often it develops as a result of improper upbringing. By nature, the child is not only curious, but also active. Adults, sometimes not knowing how, sometimes not wanting to organize this activity, do everything for the child themselves. They deprive him of independence, do not allow real things and actions into the world, protect him from such actions for which the child could be held responsible. What happens? Without seeing the results of his actions, the child is powerless to learn from them. And day after day, the development of a personal principle in him is postponed - pride in what he managed to do himself, responsibility for the consequences of his actions. This is how future infantiles appear. Growing up and facing the surrounding world, in which everything is completely different, young people get lost and run into a clear and interesting virtual space, in which it is very convenient to exist. Over time, of course, they grow up, but at the same time they become adults with a syndrome of teenage worldview. And there are more and more such characters.
Psychologists distinguish 4 main variants of infantilism: harmonic (simple), disharmonic, organic and psychogenic. Infantilism of the first type (true or simple according to V.V. Kovalev) is based on a delay in the development of the frontal lobes of the brain, due to objective factors and improper upbringing. As a result, the child retards the formation of norms of behavior and communication, the development of the concepts of “no” and “should”, a sense of distance in relations with adults. He is not able to correctly assess the situation, change behavior in accordance with its requirements, and also to foresee the development of events and, therefore, possible dangers and threats. With infantilism of the 2nd type, immaturity concerns not only mental, but also physical development. With organic infantilism, it is combined with an organic inferiority of the central nervous system. Mental infantilism is expressed in a delay in the formation of a personality, in which a person's behavior does not meet the age requirements for him. The lag is mainly manifested in the development of the emotional-volitional sphere and the preservation of childish personality traits.
Psychological features of an infantile personality:
Egocentrism
Obsession with oneself, inability to feel and understand the state of another person. For a small child, this is natural. He still cannot understand that other children and adults see the world differently than he does. And that people think differently. It is strange to observe pronounced egocentrism in adults. How does an egocentric child and an infantile adult behave? He believes that the world is made for him and must revolve around him. Other people are interesting and good when they meet my needs. Moreover, it is the satisfaction of one's own needs for protection, warmth, acceptance, love - in a child and an infantile adult that is the main value. The inner world of other people is not interesting to them in principle. Egocentrism is often characterized by absolute confidence in one's own rightness. And if there are problems in relationships, then it doesn’t sound like “I don’t understand people”, but “people don’t understand me”.
Dependency
In our case, by dependency we understand rather than life at the expense of another, but the unwillingness or inability to serve oneself.
Game orientation
Entertainment is given preference over other activities. Fortunately, modern civilization provides a huge number of entertainment options that help to avoid a terrible thing for a child and an infantile adult - boredom. "I'm bored - entertain me!". A large share of the income goes to entertainment and games. They are different. Computer games, endless gatherings with friends at home or in bars, shopping, cinema and discos, the acquisition of more and more new toys (for men, technical innovations often act in their role).
Inability to make decisions and to mobilize forces to implement these decisions
Decision-making requires the development of the will, and this is one of the characteristics of a mature person. An adult person is able to act contrary to "tired", "don't want", "can't", "difficult", relying on his own will. For a child, “I don’t want to” or “it’s difficult” is a direct argument not to do something. An infantile person chooses the paths of least resistance, those where you have to strain as little as possible.
Refusal to take responsibility for one's own life
The easiest way is not to make decisions at all and to shift this heavy burden onto others. Moreover, often in the environment of infantile personalities there are people who are directly responsible for making decisions for them and, more importantly, responsible for implementing these decisions. An immature person chooses the role of a weak child in need of support and protection.
Lack of future perspective
For a child, life is an endless "now" - and this is quite understandable. The child does not need to look to the future, parents think about it. The infantile adult also has no conscious plans for the future. Everything happens somehow by itself. Children feel immortal, they have an infinite amount of time at their disposal, so there is no point in rushing. The feeling of time as a resource, "shagreen skin", decreasing regardless of the satisfaction or dissatisfaction of our desires - this feeling is inherent only in adults who have the opportunity and desire to reflect on life.
Inability to self-esteem and self-knowledge
Thinking about life means asking yourself very difficult questions. Children do not ask such questions, their time has not yet come. Lack of reflection leads to the impossibility of extracting experience from one's own life. What happens in the life of an infantile person does not become a life experience, but remains just events.
Female and male infantilism have common features
1) Unwillingness to grow up. The individual remains a teenager, with all the ensuing consequences.
2) Complete lack of will is manifested, both in social and personal life. The main task of an individual in such a situation is to find a person to whom financial and domestic problems can be thrown.
3) Domestic ineptitude, interspersed with panic attacks on this basis.
4) Social actions replaced by dreams. For example, about some mythical ideal, a “real man” or “easy money”.
The main features of an infantile individual
• he considers it most important to always do what he wants (regardless of the interests of others); • marriage, children for him are always labeled “not yet ready” (although he can live together, but before the start of big problems that require his participation); • usually in his personal history there are quite a lot of short "relationships"; • the courtship of a male child is often very sentimental, romantic, but does not develop into a serious one; • the word “responsibility” is hardly understandable for him, sometimes he is driven by the fear of “punishment” (more often this can manifest itself at work, and not in personal, domestic relationships); • independent economic activities around the house can not be expected from him; • his relationship with his mother absolutely "does not grow"; • even at working age lives with the financial support of parents or on their full support; • usually the emotional support of parents for him is also the main one in difficult situations; • can live with parents, even if there is a separate housing, or constantly use their "services"; • does not work or often remains without work, slowly looking for a new one; • certainly has some kind of all-consuming hobby (often these are computer games), which he cannot put off; • often complains about life, looking for the guilty, avoiding his guilt and saying that the whole world is unfair.
"Live in the moment" - such a principle is promoted within the framework of modern culture. Moreover, this principle has little in common with the “here and now” rule, which is especially actively used in Gestalt therapy. The principle of "here and now" is about the ability to live in the present and enjoy it, but at the same time do not forget about the experience of the past, or about making plans for the future. While modern culture gives a person completely different guidelines: “live this moment, don’t think about the future, take everything you can from life!”. In some cases, such guidelines help a person become a multifaceted personality, develop in different directions and try himself in different types of activities. On the other hand, these features of modern culture can contribute to the manifestation of infantilism.
Infantilism means the immaturity of development, the presence of childish personality traits in a person or their manifestations in behavior. An infantile person may look like an adult on the outside, but, in fact, he seems to remain “an adult child. Especially the preservation and development of the features of an infantile personality are facilitated by the features of modern culture: a rich selection of entertainment, the cult of "eternal youth" ... All this leads to the fact that a person pushes the process of growing up "for later" and turns into a small child enclosed in the shell of an adult. Of course, not all "childish" traits are necessarily signs of infantilism. In addition, being not overly developed, infantile traits can be within the norm, and only when strongly expressed do they become unpleasant attributes of infantilism. So to featured infantilism should include:
Egocentrism
The first sign of an infantile personality is egocentrism. Moreover, it is worth noting that the concept of egocentrism is not identical with egoism. A selfish person simply does not give a damn about the feelings and needs of other people, while a person with pronounced egocentrism is not even able to understand the state and needs of another. For such people, there is only one center of the universe - it is themselves. And there is only one correct point of view - the point of view of the egocentrist himself. The surrounding people seem to be present in the picture of the world of this person, but the egocentrist is not able to understand these others. Their thoughts, feelings, hopes - all this is of no interest to the egocentrist. The people around him are evaluated according to the criterion of "usefulness - uselessness". If a particular person satisfies the needs of an egocentrist and creates an atmosphere of comfort for him, then such a person is rated as “good”, and if not, then he is rated as “bad”.
For a small child, such a position is natural - he has not yet learned to put himself in the place of another, has not learned to understand other people and accept their point of view. However, over time, the child learns to understand the world around him, he learns to appreciate the experiences of other people. Perhaps that is why the behavior of an adult egocentric person looks so unnatural: outwardly an adult, but acts like a child. And egocentrism does not affect relationships positively, because it is not at all easy to establish relationships with a person who does not know how and does not want to understand you.
Lack of desire for independence
The next sign of an infantile personality is the lack of desire for independence, dependency. Moreover, here we do not mean life completely at the expense of another person. And the unwillingness to show independence in serving their own needs. Wives very often complain about this manifestation of infantilism on the part of men: the husband does not help at all around the house, does not even wash or wash the dishes after himself ... He's "making money". As a result, an adult and responsible man, coming home, turns into an infantile boy, and his wife can only take on the duties of a caring mother.
The desire to play as a sign of infantilism
It should be noted right away that this is not about playfulness in itself, but only about the option when the search for entertainment turns into a paramount task for a person, relegating other activities to the background. The worst thing for a person focused solely on games and entertainment is boredom.
“Games” and entertainment in this case can be different: passion for computer games, shopping, going to bars with friends, constant purchases of “technical toys” ... There is nothing wrong with all these activities, but in his desire for entertainment, an infantile person loses a sense of proportion and then the desire for eternal games becomes a sign of infantilism.
Difficulties with making and implementing decisions as a manifestation of mental infantilism
One of the most common manifestations of mental infantilism is the difficulty in making decisions and putting them into practice.
What distinguishes a mature adult from a small child is the development of volitional processes. An adult knows how to take his will into a fist, and just do what is supposed to be done, despite fatigue, unwillingness to do anything and banal laziness. In children, the volitional sphere is still not sufficiently developed, therefore, for them, unwillingness to do something can be the main reason for not performing any actions.
In order to make and implement a decision, a person must have a strong will and developed cognitive abilities. The child is not yet able to make decisions on his own: someone else does it for him - an adult who takes responsibility for the life and actions of the child. When an adult reveals an inability to accept and implement his decision, this is a manifestation of mental infantilism.
Irresponsibility about your life and lack of goals for the future
If a person does not want to make and independently implement decisions, he can completely shift the responsibility for his own life onto the shoulders of another person. In a relationship with a person who had to take responsibility for an infantile personality, they choose the role of a small child who needs support from an adult. In addition, infantile personalities are completely unable to build a perspective on the future, because infantiles, in fact, remain children, and for a child there is only one time - “now”. Therefore, the concern for the future is also placed on the shoulders of the "guardian" of the infantile personality.
Inability to recognize and evaluate oneself
And the last sign of an infantile personality is the inability to evaluate one's behavior, one's actions and oneself, as well as the inability to reflect and self-knowledge. In order to have the ability for adequate self-esteem and self-knowledge, a person must be able to look back and critically evaluate all the events of his past. However, for an infantile personality, this is too difficult, she prefers not to look back, but to live only in the present moment ...
These are the main signs of an infantile personality. In small doses, all these signs help to keep the child inside, but being overdeveloped, they turn a person into an “eternal child” in need of constant care.
Today we will analyze a completely ambiguous topic - infantilism. The term "infantility" comes from the word "infant".
From Wikipedia: Infante, the feminine form of infanta (Spanish: infante, Port: infant) is the title of all princes and princesses of the royal house in Spain and Portugal.
Infantilism (from lat. infantilis - children's)- this is immaturity in development, the preservation in the physical appearance or behavior of the features inherent in the previous age stages.
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In a figurative sense, infantilism (like childishness) is a manifestation of a naive approach in everyday life, in politics, in relationships, etc.
For a more complete picture, it should be noted that infantilism can be mental and psychological. And their main difference is not the external manifestation, but the causes of occurrence.
External manifestations of mental and psychological infantilism are similar and they are expressed in the manifestation of childish traits in behavior, in thinking, in emotional reactions.
To understand the difference between mental and psychological infantilism, it is necessary to understand the causes of its occurrence.
Mental infantilism
It arises as a result of a lag and delay in the psyche of the child. In other words, there is a delay in the formation of personality, caused by a delay in development in the emotional and volitional spheres. The emotional-volitional sphere is the base on which the personality is built. Without such a base, a person, in principle, cannot grow up and remains an “eternal” child at any age.It should also be noted here that infantile children differ from mentally retarded or autistic children. Their mental sphere can be developed, they can have a high level of abstract-logical thinking, they can apply the acquired knowledge, be intellectually developed and independent.
Mental infantilism cannot be detected in early childhood, it can only be noticed when a child of school or adolescence begins to predominate play interests over learning.
In other words, the child's interest is limited only by games and fantasies, everything that goes beyond this world is not accepted, not explored and perceived as something unpleasant, complex, alien imposed from the outside.
Behavior becomes primitive and predictable; from any disciplinary requirements, the child goes even more into the world of play and fantasy. Over time, this leads to problems of social adaptation.
As an example, a child can play for hours on a computer, sincerely not understanding why you need to brush your teeth, make your bed, go to school. Everything outside the game is alien, unnecessary, incomprehensible.
It should be noted that the infantilism of a person born normal may be the fault of the parents. A frivolous attitude towards a child in childhood, a ban on making independent decisions for a teenager, a constant restriction of his freedom just leads to the underdevelopment of the emotional-volitional sphere.
Psychological infantilism
With psychological infantilism, the child has a healthy, without delay, psyche. He may well correspond to his development by age, but in practice this does not happen, because for a number of reasons he chooses the role of a child in behavior.
In general, the main difference between mental infantilism and psychological infantilism can be expressed as follows:
Mental infantilism: I can't even if I want to.
Psychological infantilism: I don't want to, even if I can.
The general theory is understandable. Now more specifically.
How does infantilism appear?
According to psychologists, infantilism is not an innate quality, but acquired through upbringing. So what do parents and educators do that a child grows up infantile?Again, according to psychologists, infantilism develops in the period from 8 to 12 years. Let's not argue, but just observe how it happens.
Between the ages of 8 and 12, a child can already take responsibility for their actions. But in order for a child to start doing independent things, he needs to be trusted. This is where the main “evil” lies, which leads to infantilism.
Here are some examples of childish upbringing:
- “Are you unable to write an essay? I will help, I used to write essays well, ”says my mother.
- "I know better what's right!"
- "If you listen to your mom, you'll be fine."
- "What opinion can you have!"
- "I said so be it!"
- “Your hands are growing out of the wrong place!”
- “Yes, you always have everything like not people.”
- "Go away, I'll do it myself."
- “Well, of course, whatever he does not undertake, he will break everything!”
Over the years, the child may believe that his parents are right, that he is a failure, that he cannot do anything right, and that others can do it much better. And if there is still a suppression of feelings and emotions, the child will never get to know them and then his emotional sphere will not be developed.
- "You're still going to cry to me here!"
- “What are you yelling at? Hurt? You have to be patient."
- "Boys never cry!"
- "What are you yelling like crazy."
By and large, parents unconsciously suppress both will and feelings in the child.
This is one of the options. But there are others. For example, when a mother is raising a son (or daughter) alone. She begins to patronize the child more than he needs. She wants him to grow up to be some very famous, to prove to the whole world what a talent he is, so that his mother can be proud of him.
Key word - mother could be proud. In this case, you don’t even think about the child, the main thing is to satisfy your ambitions. Such a mother will be happy to find for her child an occupation that he will like, put all her strength and money into it, and take on all the difficulties that may arise during such a hobby.
So talented, but not adapted children grow up. Well, if then there is a woman who wants to serve this talent. And if not? And if it still turns out that there is essentially no talent. Guess what awaits such a child in life? And my mother will grieve: “Well, why is he like that! I've done so much for him!" Yes, not for him, but FOR HIM, that's why he is like that.
Another example is when parents do not have a soul in their child. Since childhood, he only hears how wonderful he is, how talented, how smart, and everything like that. The self-conceit of the child becomes so high that he is sure that he deserves more just like that and will not make any effort to achieve this more.
His parents will do everything for him and will watch with admiration how he breaks toys (he is so inquisitive), how he offends children in the yard (he is so strong), etc. And when faced with real difficulties in life, he will deflate like a bubble.
Another very vivid example of the birth of infantilism is the stormy divorce of parents, when the child feels unwanted. Parents find out the relationship between themselves, and the hostage of these relationships is the child.
All the strength and energy of the parents is directed to “annoying” the other side. The child does not understand what is really happening and often begins to take responsibility for himself - dad left because of me, I was a bad son (daughter).
This burden becomes exorbitant and the emotional sphere is suppressed when the child does not understand what is happening to him, and there is no adult nearby who would help him understand himself and what is happening. The child begins to "withdraw into himself", close up and live in his own world, where he is comfortable and well. The real world is presented as something frightening, evil and unacceptable.
I think that you yourself can give many such examples, and maybe even recognize yourself or your parents in some ways. Any result of upbringing that leads to the suppression of the emotional-volitional sphere leads to infantilism.
Just do not rush to blame your parents for everything. It is very convenient and it is also one of the forms of manifestation of infantilism. Better look what you are doing with your children now.
You see, in order to educate a person, you yourself need to be a person. And in order for a conscious child to grow nearby, the parents must also be conscious. But is it really so?
Are you dumping anger on your children for your unresolved issues (emotional suppression)? Are you trying to impose your vision of life on children (suppression of the volitional sphere)?
We unconsciously make the same mistakes that our parents made, and if we are not aware of them, then our children will make the same mistakes in raising their children. Alas, it is.
Once again for understanding:
Mental infantilism is an undeveloped emotional-volitional sphere;
Psychological infantilism is a suppressed emotional-volitional sphere.
How does infantilism manifest itself?
Manifestations of mental and psychological infantilism are practically the same. Their difference is that with mental infantilism a person cannot consciously and independently change his behavior, even if he has a motive.And with psychological infantilism, a person can change his behavior when a motive appears, but most often he does not change it out of a desire to leave everything as it is.
Let's look at specific examples of the manifestation of infantilism.
A person has achieved success in science or in art, but in everyday life it turns out to be completely unadapted. In his activities, he feels like an adult and competent, but an absolute child in everyday life and in relationships. And he tries to find someone who will take over the area of life in which you can remain a child.
Adult sons and daughters continue to live with their parents and do not create families of their own. With parents, everything is familiar and familiar, you can remain an eternal child, for whom all domestic problems will be solved.
To create your own family is to take responsibility for your life and face certain difficulties.
Suppose that it becomes unbearable to live with your parents, they also begin to demand something. If another person appears in a person’s life, on whom responsibility can be shifted, then he will leave his parental home and continue to lead the same lifestyle as with his parents - not to take on anything and not to answer for anything.
Only infantilism can push a man or woman to leave his family, to neglect his obligations in order to try to regain his bygone youth.
Constant change of work due to unwillingness to make efforts or gaining mythical experience.
The search for a "savior" or "magic pill" is also a sign of infantilism.
The main criterion can be called the inability and unwillingness to take responsibility for their lives, not to mention the lives of loved ones. And as they wrote in the comments: “The worst thing is to be with a person and know that you cannot rely on him at a critical moment! Such people create families, give birth to children and shift the responsibility to other shoulders!”
What does infantilism look like?
It is not always possible to determine at a glance whether a person is infantile in front of you or not. Infantilism will begin to manifest itself in interaction, and especially at critical moments in life, when a person, as it were, slows down, does not make any decision and waits for someone to take responsibility for him.Infantile people can be compared to eternal children who do not particularly care about anything. Moreover, they are not only not interested in other people, but they do not want to take care of themselves (psychological infantilism) or cannot (mentally) take care of themselves.
If we talk about male infantilism, then this is definitely the behavior of a child who needs not a woman, but a mother who takes care of him. So many women fall for this bait, and then they begin to resent: “Why do I have to do it all the time? And earn money, and maintain a house, and take care of children, and build relationships. Is there a man around at all?
The question immediately arises: “A man? And who did you marry? Who was the initiator of acquaintance, meetings? Who decided how and where to spend a joint evening? Who kept thinking about where to go and what to do?” These questions are endless.
If from the very beginning you took everything upon yourself, invented and did everything yourself, and the man just obediently performed, then did you marry an ADULT MAN? It seems to me that you were married to a CHILD. Only you were so in love that you didn’t notice it right away.
What to do
This is the most important question that comes up. Let's look at it first regarding the child, if you are parents. Then about an adult who continues to be a child in life. (These issues are discussed in the article What to do if you have an infantile husband. approx. ed.)And the last thing, if you saw in yourself the features of infantilism and decided to change something in yourself, but you don’t know how.
1. What to do if you have an infantile child.
Let's think together - what do you want to get as a result of raising a child, what are you doing and what needs to be done to get the desired result?
The task of each parent is to adapt the child as much as possible to an independent life without parents and teach him to live in interaction with other people so that he can create his own happy family.
There are several mistakes, as a result of which infantilism develops. Here are some of them.
Mistake 1. Sacrifice
This mistake manifests itself when parents begin to live for their children, trying to give the child the best, so that he has everything, so that he is dressed no worse than others, so that he studies at the institute, while denying himself everything.Your own life seems to become unimportant compared to the life of a child. Parents can work at several jobs, be malnourished, lack sleep, not take care of themselves and their health, if only the child is doing well, if only he learns and grows up as a person. Most often, single parents do this.
At first glance, it seems that parents put their whole soul into the child, but the result is deplorable, the child grows up unable to appreciate his parents and the care they gave.
What is really happening. A child from an early age gets used to the fact that parents live and work only for the sake of his well-being. He gets used to getting everything ready. The question arises, if a person is used to getting everything ready, will he, then himself, be able to do something for himself or will he wait for someone to do it for him?
And besides, not just wait, but demand with your behavior that you must, because there is no experience to do something on your own, and it was the parents who did not give this experience, because everything has always been for him and only for his sake. He seriously does not understand why it should be different and how it is even possible.
And the child does not understand why and for what he should be grateful to his parents, if it should have been so. Sacrificing yourself is like ruining your life and the life of a child.
What to do. You need to start with yourself, learn to value yourself and your life. If parents do not value their own life, the child will take it for granted and will also not value the life of their parents, and, consequently, the lives of other people. For him, life for his sake will become the rule in relationships, he will use others and consider this absolutely normal behavior, because he was taught that way, he simply does not know how to do otherwise.
Think about it, is it interesting for a child to be with you if you have nothing to give besides caring for him? If nothing happens in your life that could attract a child to share your interests, to feel like a member of a community - a family?
And then why be surprised if the child finds entertainment on the side, such as drinking, drugs, thoughtless festivities, etc., because he is used to only getting what he is given. And how can he be proud of you and respect you if you are nothing of yourself, if all your interests are only around him?
Mistake 2. “I will part the clouds with my hands” or I will solve all the problems for you
This mistake manifests itself in pity when parents decide that there are still enough problems for the life of the child, and let him remain a child at least with them. And in the end, an eternal child. Pity can be caused by distrust that the child can take care of himself in some way. And distrust, again, arises from the fact that the child has not been taught to take care of himself on his own.What it looks like:
- "You're tired, rest, I'll finish it."
- “You still have time to work out! Let me do it for you."
- “You still have to do your homework, okay, go, I’ll wash the dishes myself.”
- “We need to agree with Marivanna so that she tells whoever needs you to go to study without any problems”
By and large, parents begin to feel sorry for their child, he is tired, he has a big load, he is small, he does not know life. And the fact that the parents themselves do not rest and their workload is no less, and not everyone themselves once knew, for some reason is forgotten about this.
All household work, the arrangement in life, falls on the shoulders of the parents. “This is my child, if I don’t take pity on him, if I don’t do something for him (read: for him), who else will take care of him? And after some time, when the child gets used to the fact that everything will be done for him, the parents are surprised why the child is not adapted to anything and they have to do everything themselves. But for him, this is the norm.
What does it lead to. A child, if it is a boy, will look for the same wife, behind whose back you can warmly settle down and hide from life's hardships. She will feed, wash and earn money, it is warm and reliable with her.
If the child is a girl, then she will look for a man who will play the role of a dad, who will solve all problems for her, support her and not burden her with anything.
What to do. First, pay attention to what your child is doing, what household duties he performs. If not any, then first of all it is necessary that the child has his own responsibilities.
It is not so difficult to teach a child to take out the garbage, wash the dishes, clean up toys and things, keep his room in order. But duties must not just be imputed, but taught how and what to do and explain why. In no case should such a phrase sound: “The main thing is that you study well, this is your duty, and I will do everything around the house myself.”
He must be held accountable for his duties. The child is tired, not tired, it doesn't matter, after all, you can rest and fulfill your duties, this is his responsibility. Don't you do that yourself? Is someone doing something for you? Your task is to learn not to regret and not to do the work for him, if you want him not to grow up infantile. It is pity and distrust that a child can do something well himself and does not make it possible to educate the volitional sphere.
Mistake 3. Excessive love, expressed in constant admiration, tenderness, elevation above the rest and permissiveness
What can this lead to. To the fact that he will never learn to love (and therefore give), including his parents. At first glance, it will seem that he knows how to love, but all his love, it is conditional and only in response, and with any remark, doubt about his “genius” or lack of admiration, it will “disappear”.As a result of such upbringing, the child is sure that the whole world should admire and indulge him. And if this does not happen, then everyone around is bad, incapable of love. Although it is he who is incapable of love, he has not been taught this.
As a result, he will choose a protective phrase: “I am who I am and accept me as I am, I don’t like it, I don’t hold it.” He will accept the love of others calmly, for granted, and, having no response inside, will hurt those who love him, including his parents.
Often this is perceived as a manifestation of selfishness, but the problem is much deeper, such a child does not have a developed emotional sphere. He simply has nothing to love. Being in the center of attention all the time, he did not learn to trust his feelings and the child did not develop a sincere interest in other people.
Another option is when parents “protect” their child who has knocked on the threshold in this way: “Oh, what a threshold is not good, offended our boy!”. From childhood, the child is inspired that everyone around is to blame for his troubles.
What to do. Again, it is necessary to start with parents, who also need to grow up and stop seeing their child as a toy, an object of adoration. A child is an independent autonomous person who, for development, needs to be in a real world, not a world invented by his parents.
The child must see and experience the whole gamut of feelings and emotions without running away or suppressing them. And the task of parents is to learn how to adequately respond to the manifestation of emotions, not to prohibit, not to calm unnecessarily, but to sort out all the situations that caused negative emotions.
It is not at all necessary that someone else is “bad” and therefore your child is crying, look at the situation as a whole, what your child did wrong, teach him not to dwell on himself, but to go towards people himself, showing sincere interest in them and find ways out of difficult situations without blaming others and yourself. But for this, as I already wrote, parents themselves need to grow up.
Mistake 4. Clear attitudes and rules
It is very convenient for most parents when an obedient child grows nearby, clearly following the instructions “do this”, “do not do that”, “do not be friends with this boy”, “in this case, do this”, etc.They believe that all education lies in command and subordination. But they don’t think at all that they deprive the child of the ability to think independently and take responsibility for their actions.
As a result, they raise a soulless and thoughtless robot that needs clear instructions. And then they themselves suffer from the fact that if they didn’t say something, then the child didn’t do it. Here, not only the volitional, but also the emotional sphere is suppressed, because the child does not need to notice the emotional states of both his own and other people, and it becomes the norm for him to act only according to instructions. The child lives in constant obsession with actions and complete emotional neglect.
What does this lead to? A person does not learn to think and becomes unable to think on his own, he constantly needs someone who will give him clear instructions on what, how and when to do it, he will always be to blame for others, those who did not “correct” his behavior, did not say what to do and how to act.
Such people will never take the initiative, and will always wait for clear and specific instructions. They will not be able to solve any complex problems.
What to do in such cases? Learn to trust the child, let him do something wrong, you just analyze the situation later and find the right solution together, together, and not for him. Talk more with the child, ask him to express his opinion, do not ridicule if you do not like his opinion.
And most importantly, do not criticize, but analyze the situation, what was done wrong and how it could have been done differently, constantly being interested in the opinion of the child. In other words, the child must be taught to think and reflect.
Mistake 5. “I myself know what the child needs”
This error is a variation of the fourth error. And it lies in the fact that parents do not listen to the true desires of the child. The desires of the child are perceived as momentary whims, but this is not quite the same thing.Whims are fleeting desires, and true desires are what a child dreams of. The purpose of such behavior of parents is the realization by the child of what the parents themselves could not realize (as options - family traditions, fictional images of the unborn child). By and large, they make a “second self” out of a child.
Once, in childhood, such parents dreamed of becoming musicians, famous athletes, great mathematicians, and now they are trying to realize their childhood dreams through a child. As a result, the child cannot find a favorite activity for himself, and if he does, then the parents take it with hostility: “I know better what you need, so you will do what I tell you.”
What does it lead to. To the fact that the child will never have a goal at all, he will never learn to understand his desires, and will always be dependent on the desires of others and is unlikely to achieve any success in realizing the desires of his parents. He will always feel out of place.
What to do. Learn to listen to the desires of the child, be interested in what he dreams of, what attracts him, teach him to express his desires out loud. Observe what attracts your child, what he enjoys doing. Never compare your child to others.
Remember, the desire that your child will become a musician, artist, famous athlete, mathematician - these are your desires, not the child's. Trying to instill your desires in a child, you will make him deeply unhappy or achieve the opposite result.
Mistake 6. "Boys don't cry"
The inability of the parents themselves to express their emotions leads to the fact that the emotions of the child begin to suppress. There is a ban on strong experiences of positive and negative emotions corresponding to the real situation, since the parents themselves do not know how to react to them.And if you don’t know something, then often the choice is made towards leaving or banning. As a result, by forbidding a child to express his emotions, parents, by and large, forbid the child to feel, and ultimately - to live life to the fullest.
What does it lead to. Growing up, the child cannot understand himself, and he needs a "guide" who will explain to him what he feels. He will trust this person and completely depend on his opinion. Hence conflicts arise between the mother and the wife of a man.
The mother will say one thing, and the wife another, and each will prove that exactly what she says, the man feels. As a result, the man simply steps aside, giving women the opportunity to "deal" with each other.
What is really happening to him, he does not know and will follow the decision of the one that will win this war. As a result, he will always live someone else's life, but not his own, and when he does not get to know himself.
What to do. Let your child cry, laugh, express himself emotionally, do not rush to calm down in such a way: “Well, okay, everything will work out”, “boys don’t cry”, etc. When a child is in pain, do not hide from his feelings, make it clear that you would also be hurt in a similar situation, and you understand him.
Show empathy, let the child get acquainted with the whole gamut of feelings without suppression. If he is happy about something, rejoice with him, if he is sad, listen to what worries him. Show interest in the child's inner life.
Mistake 7. Transferring your emotional state to the child
Often, parents transfer their disorder and dissatisfaction with life to the child. This is expressed in constant nit-picking, raising the voice, and sometimes simply in a breakdown on the child.The child becomes a hostage to the parent's dissatisfaction and is unable to resist it. This leads to the fact that the child “turns off”, suppresses his emotional sphere and chooses psychological protection from the parent “withdrawal”.
What does it lead to. Growing up, the child ceases to "hear", closes, and often simply forgets what was said to him, perceiving any words addressed to him as an attack. He has to repeat the same thing ten times in order for him to hear or give some kind of feedback.
From the outside, this looks like indifference or disregard for the words of others. It is difficult to come to an understanding with such a person, because he never expresses his opinion, and more often this opinion simply does not exist.
What to do. Remember: the child is not to blame for the fact that your life does not go the way you want. Not getting what you want is your problem, not his fault. If you need to blow off steam, find more environmentally friendly ways - scrub floors, rearrange furniture, go to the pool, increase physical activity.
Uncleaned toys, not washed dishes - this is not the reason for your breakdown, but only a reason, the reason is inside you. In the end, it is your responsibility to teach your child to clean up toys, wash dishes.
I have shown only the main errors, but there are many more.
The main condition for your child not to grow up infantile is to recognize him as an independent and free person, a manifestation of your trust and sincere love (not to be confused with adoration), support, not violence.
Infantilism is a personality characteristic that expresses the immaturity of its psychological development, the preservation of features inherent in earlier age stages. The infantilism of a person in the everyday sense is called childishness, which is manifested in the immaturity of behavior, the inability to make informed decisions, and the unwillingness to take responsibility.
In psychology, infantilism is understood as the immaturity of an individual, which is expressed in a delay in the formation of a personality when its actions do not meet age requirements. Some people perceive the infantilism of behavior as a matter of course. The life of a modern person is quite fast-paced, it is this lifestyle that pushes a person to such behavior, stopping the growing up and development of the personality, while maintaining a small and unintelligent child inside an adult. The cult of eternal youth and youth, the presence of a wide variety of entertainments of modern culture, this is what provokes the development of infantility in a person, relegating the development of an adult personality to the background and allowing him to remain an eternal child.
A woman with an infantile character is able to portray resentment when she is actually experiencing. Among other tricks, such feminists are armed with sadness, tears, feelings of guilt and fear. Such a woman is able to pretend to be confused when she does not know what she wants. Best of all, she manages to make a man believe that without him she is nobody and that she will disappear without his support. She will never say what she does not like, she will pout or cry and act up, but it is very difficult to bring her into a serious conversation.
The true infantilism of a woman leads her life into sheer chaos. She always gets into some kind of stories, extreme situations, from where she needs to be rescued. She has many friends, her appearance is far from the image of a lady, she is attracted to jeans, sneakers, various T-shirts with children's or cartoon prints. She is cheerful, energetic and fickle, her social circle mostly consisting of people much younger than her age.
Men love adventure because it causes an adrenaline rush, so they find themselves an infantile woman with whom they never get bored.
According to the results of one study, it turned out that 34% of women behave infantile when they are next to their man, 66% say that these women live in the image of a frivolous girl all the time.
The reasons for a woman's infantilism are that she acts in this way, because it is easier for her to achieve something from a man, she does not want to be responsible for her personal life or dreams that someone will take custody of her, this someone, of course, a mature and wealthy man.
How to get rid of infantilism
Infantilism is a persistent personality characteristic in psychology, therefore it is impossible to get rid of it quickly. To transcend to the solution of the question: how to deal with infantilism, you need to understand that there is a lot of work to be done. In the fight against infantilism, you need to be very patient, because you have to go through tears, resentment and anger.
So, how to get rid of infantilism. The most effective way is considered to be the occurrence of big changes in life, during which a person must get into such situations and conditions where he will find himself without support and he alone will have to quickly solve problems, and then be responsible for the decisions made.
Thus, many people get rid of infantilism. For men, such conditions can be - the army, special forces, prison. Women are more suited to moving to a foreign country where there are absolutely no acquaintances, and they have to survive without relatives and make new friends.
After experiencing strong stressful situations, a person loses his infantilism, for example, having lost material well-being, having experienced the dismissal or death of a very close person who served as support and support.
For women, the best way to deal with infantilism is the birth of a child and the responsibility that comes with it.
Too radical methods are unlikely to suit every person, and the following may happen: due to sudden changes in life, a person may close in on himself or, having failed to cope with his duties, will begin to regress even more (regression is a protective mechanism of the psyche that returns a person to lower stage of development of his feelings and behavior).
It is better to use more accessible situations, for example, cook dinner yourself, then clean up, do an unscheduled major cleaning, go shopping and buy only what you need, go and pay bills, move out from your parents or stop living at their expense. There are a lot of such situations in life, they sometimes seem insignificant, but one who knows what an infantile character is understands how infantile personalities behave in such cases, how burdensome these situations are for them. 
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