The role of parent child adult. Key Roles

Each person in his physical development goes through several states: a child, an adult and a parent.

At the same time, it should also grow psychological condition.

However, often people in adulthood behave like children and vice versa.

Because of this, there are misunderstandings, conflicts in and at work. The answer to the question why this happens is transactional analysis.

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Transactional Analysis

Transactional analysis is called psychological model, which is used to analyze personal interaction in groups and its individual behavior.

Transactional Analysis is based on the principles psychoanalysis, but unlike the latter, describes the behavior and reactions of a person in a simple, accessible language.

Transaction, from the point of view of psychology, is unit of interpersonal interaction, consisting of a message (stimulus) and a reaction to it.

That is, human communication is nothing but the exchange of transactions. For example, a greeting and an answer to it, a question and a response.

There are the following types of transactions:

Complementary. An outgoing stimulus from one personality is complemented by a reaction from another. For example: "What time is it?" - Two hours. Both people communicate in the same state.
Cross. The message intersects with the reaction. This is what the majority is based on. So the husband asks the question: “Where is my shirt?”, And in response he hears: “Why should I know this?”. That is, the husband speaks from the position of an adult, and the wife answers from the position of a child.
Hidden. This is the case when the words do not match the emotions. The individual says one thing, but his emotions and facial expressions say something else. Psychological games are based on this.

Transactional analysis is designed to answer the question why the same person in different situationsshows different behavior and respond differently to stimuli.

This is due to the use of one of the three ego states.

With the help of this analysis, you can learn to understand the behavior of other people, make decisions, and demonstrate your emotions and feelings. Transaction principles applied in the following areas:

when interacting in teams;
to build a family model;
with friendly communication;

In a word, transaction techniques are used in all areas.

Theory of E. Bern

The founder of the transaction theory is considered to be American psychotherapist Eric Berne.

He began to publish his work in the 60s of the 20th century, the greatest interest in his work happened in the 70s.

Berne reflected his observations and developments in the book "Games People Play". The author understands the word "transaction" as a unit of interaction, which is expressed as follows: question-answer.

According to Berne's theory, three states interact in each personality: child, adult and parent. The same person in different time may be in different states.

If a person follows the instructions given to him by his parents, he is in the state of a parent. When he behaves like a child, the child presses on him. With an objective assessment and acceptance of reality, analyzing the current situation, a person is in an adult state.

Within the framework of transaction theory, Berne also developed scenario theory. Each person can carry out the prescribed script or apply the anti-script.

Scenario called a certain life plan, which is drawn up in early childhood. So many children know what they want to be and where to live.

The script could be imposed by parents. If a child is constantly told that he is a failure, then he will not succeed in life.

The counterscript is formed already in adulthood and implies a departure from the prescribed plan.

For example, parents and teachers "prophesied" a teenager to be a doctor, like his grandfather or dad, in order to continue the dynasty.

However, a person takes all actions to get away from the “destined” fate.

Antiscript is the complete opposite of the scenario and involves the performance of sequential actions opposite to those that should be performed.

That is, instead of passing exams and going to college, a young man drops out of school and gets into a bad company, starts drinking and taking drugs.

His behavior is also a consequence of the attitudes of his parents, but with the opposite result.

Characteristics of states

According to Berne's model of behavior, each individual in interpersonal interactions occupies one of three positions.

Briefly they can be characterized as follows:

parent- these are vaccinated in childhood;
adult- this is Objective assessment present situation;
child- behavior based on emotions and unconscious reactions.

Parent position

A person in this state wears himself as if from your experience, compels, criticizes, teaches. This is a reflection of the image of parents, their behavior patterns.

The main word of the parent ego state is “should, must”. A parent can be caring, then he calms, helps and criticizes, who threatens, punishes.

Human pronounces characteristic phrases: “I know the best”, “I’ll tell you, I’ll teach you”, “It’s impossible”, etc. Usually, such behavior is applicable to the upbringing of children, in the work of a teacher.

Often the individual enters a state unconsciously when it receives the corresponding message. For example, the reaction to a toy broken by a child will be the same as that of his parents.

Adult position

If an individual is in this state, he is reasonable, objective, responds adequately to the current situation, is capable of reasoning, does the right thing, worthy of an adult.

characteristic phrases are: "Let's discuss the situation", "I'm ready for dialogue", "You can find the right solution."

This is that part of the personality that the person himself forms without the influence of parental attitudes.

child position

Personal behavior is determined emotions and instincts. That is, a person behaves as in childhood.

This ego state is also a reflection of childhood experiences. It also shows the creative side of the individual.

In behavior, a child can be spontaneous when acting on emotions, directly. It can also be rebellious and adaptable. Basic phrases:“I want”, “I can’t”, “Give”, “Why am I”, “If I don’t get it, then ...”, etc.

Functions

No one cannot stay in only one state all the time.

When exposed to certain stimuli, certain aspects of the personality are “turned on”. What matters is which ego is dominant.

All three states are important for interpersonal relationships and perform certain functions:

Child task- this is creation, the creation of an emotional picture of desires, which will be an incentive for further development. The child acts spontaneously, creates, gives birth to ideas.
Parent's task- guardianship, training, instruction. Monitoring compliance with the rules, providing assistance, constructive criticism.
Adult task- adaptation to the present situation, search for a solution, constructive dialogue. In other words, he must act in accordance with objective reality.

For example, decision-making happens like this:

the child feels a desire to get something, feels emotions;
an adult is looking for ways to solve a problem;
the parent monitors the correct execution, criticizes, directs, evaluates.

Problem and signs of imbalance

A person can achieve success and prosperity if the three components of the ego harmoniously interact in him. For every state should account for about 30% of his time.

If you know the principles of the transaction, then you can include a child, an adult or a parent in the right situation so that communication goes according to the desired scenario.

Unfortunately, not everyone has this balance. It leads to various communication problems. Most often, an individual is dominated by a parent or child.

Child cannot make adult decisions, is late for work, blames others for failures, is offended.

Parent all the time teaches the second half, friends, partners.

These kinks adversely affect, first of all, on the person himself. Imbalance problems are expressed as follows:

Child

If a little child in personality, then she does not experience spontaneous desires, joy, emotions. A child is a piece of childhood that remains with the individual for life.

Byrne believes that this party is most valuable. It allows you to remain spontaneous, admiring, develop creativity.

The expressed side of the child on the contrary, makes the individual irresponsible, undisciplined, unable to achieve the goal. He only wants to play, to receive, but not to give.

A depressed or rebellious child is very touchy, prone to depression. He needs the care of his parents, depends on the opinions of others, has low self-esteem.

If the ego child is strongly dominant then it becomes a serious problem. A person tends to blame other people for the failures, does not draw conclusions from his mistakes, and accumulates resentment. These resentments and disappointments lead to depression, depression, suicidal thoughts.

Hypertrophied parent

This is usually a boring, grumbling, teaching person.

He does not recognize someone else's opinion, criticizes. In relation to himself and to others expresses exaggerated demands, that is, is .

The ego-parent tries to constantly control the situation, blames himself for failures. Too pronounced this side of the personality often leads to psychiatric disorders. This can be avoided by consciously rewriting the script prescribed in childhood.

Adult problem

The adult's problem is that this side appears too rarely. Not everyone is able to adequately assess reality, make the right decision, accept constructive criticism, and compromise.

True, the state of an adult can and should be developed and expanded. For example, a person experiences resentment as a result of a conflict. He should analyze the situation and understand whether the interlocutor really wanted to offend him or whether this ego-child was emotionally hurt.

Often skillful manipulators try to evoke the child's emotions in order to reach your goal.

The next time it occurs conflict situation it is necessary to “turn on” the adult and “turn off” the child, that is.

Three ego states. Your first "I":

Interactive the side of communication is connected with the interaction of people, with the direct organization of their joint activities, while the action is the main content of communication. When describing communication, we most often use words denoting actions. For example: “when solving a problem, we trampled in one place" or "he pressed on me, but I don't succumbed."

In our own communication, we react to the actions of a partner, and in one case it seems to us that the partner is pushing us into something, and we are resisting, in the other, that our actions are one, we are “at the same time”, etc. Behind the words are actions, and behind the same words there can be different actions. Therefore, when communicating, we ask ourselves the question: “What is the interlocutor doing?”, We answer it and build our behavior based on the received answer. What allows us to understand the meaning of the partner's actions?

One of possible ways understanding of communication is the perception of the position of partners, as well as their positions relative to each other. In any conversation, conversation, the status of a partner is of great importance, and not a permanent status, but the status “here and now”, at the moment of communication. It is also important who is the leader in this communication, and who is the follower.

Positions in communication are considered in line with transactional analysis. This trend in psychology was developed in the 1950s by the American psychologist and psychiatrist Eric Berne (1902-1970). The most popular and practical application was the scheme he developed, in which E. Bern distinguishes three ways of behavior: Parent, Child, Adult. At any moment, each person can be in the state of either an Adult, or a Parent, or a Child, and depending on this state, a conversation is conducted, the position and status of the interlocutor are determined. The main characteristics of the positions Parent, Child, Adult are shown in the table *

(* Krizhanskaya Yu.S., Tretyakov V.P. Grammar of communication. - M., 1999. - S. 187).

Each type of state is important for a person:

Parent knows everything, understands everything, never doubts, demands from everyone and is responsible for everything;

Adult soberly, really analyzes, does not give in to emotions, thinks logically;

Child emotional, impulsive and illogical.

Communication as an interaction can be viewed from the standpoint of the orientation of its participants to control or understanding.

Focus on control involves the desire of one of the participants in communication to control and manage the situation and the behavior of other people, which is accompanied by a desire to dominate the interaction. "Controllers" talk a lot, their strategy is to force the communication partner to accept their interaction plan and impose their understanding of the situation.

Positions of Parent, Adult and Child

Characteristics	Parent	Adult
1. Characteristic words and expressions	Everyone knows that...; You must never...; You must always...; I don't understand how this is allowed...etc.	How? What? When? Where? Why? Probably; Maybe	I'm angry with you! That's great! Excellent! Disgusting!
2. Intonation	Blaming, condescending, critical, repressive	reality bound	very emotional
3. Condition	Arrogant, super-correct, very decent	Mindfulness, search for information	Clumsy, playful, depressed, oppressed
4. Facial expression	Frowning, dissatisfied, worried	open eyes, maximum attention	Depression, surprise
	Hands at hips, pointing finger, arms folded across chest	Tilt forward to the interlocutor, the head turns after him	Spontaneous mobility (clench fists, walk, pull button)

Comprehension orientation includes the desire to understand the situation and other people. At the same time, human behavior is based on the concept of equality of partners and is aimed at achieving mutual satisfaction with the course of communication. "Understand" are more silent in conversation; they tend to listen, observe, analyze. They try to understand the interlocutor, adapt (adapt) to the communication partner.

Thus, in the process of interaction, people implement plans, goals and solve business problems. In the course of interaction, the behavior of partners changes, common opinions are developed to achieve the desired result.

Human interaction is very diverse, so scientists are trying to streamline the diverse types of interactions. The two most common types of interaction are: cooperation(from lat. cooperation - cooperation), providing for the joint achievement of goals, and competition(from lat. sopsiggo - collide), involving the creation of difficulties and obstacles for rivals in achieving goals.

Business interaction is organized on the basis of accepted rules and norms, which are established by legislative acts, service instructions, codes of ethics, and are also determined by the principles of business etiquette.

Questions for self-examination

1. How are "action" and "interaction" related?

2. What is the essence of the transactional analysis of the interaction process according to E. Bern?

3. Describe the interaction in terms of focus on control and understanding.

4. What forms of interaction are the most common?

5. In your opinion, what type of interpersonal communication is typical for the “controller” and what type for the “understanding” (see section 2.2).

Depreciation theory, a bit boring but necessary

The principle of depreciation was developed on the basis of the study and practical application transactional analysis - a psychotherapeutic method discovered and developed by the Californian psychotherapist E. Berne in the 50-70s of our century. Communication, as I pointed out above, is one of the most essential human needs. Hunger for communication, E. Bern points out, has a lot in common with food hunger. Therefore, gastronomic parallels are appropriate here.

The need for communication

Rational nutrition should include a complete set of nutrients, vitamins, microelements, etc. A deficiency of one of them will cause a corresponding type of hunger. So communication can be complete only if all its needs are satisfied, if it has all the ingredients.

There are several types of hunger for communication.

Hunger for Stimulation develops in the absence of stimuli necessary for communication, i.e. in a situation total loneliness. In infants deprived of the necessary contact with people in orphanages, irreversible changes occur in the psyche, which subsequently prevent a person from adapting to social life. An adult who does not have special training dies in conditions of loneliness on the 5-10th day.

But satisfying only the hunger for stimulation cannot make communication complete. So, having got on a business trip to a city of millions or on vacation at a crowded resort, we can experience an acute feeling of loneliness if another type of communicative hunger is not satisfied - hunger for recognition. That is why we try to make new acquaintances and friends in a new place so that we can get to know them later! That is why we are happy to meet in a strange city a person with whom we did not maintain close relations at home!

But this is still not enough. It also needs to be eliminated hunger to satisfy the need for communication. It develops when a person is forced to communicate with people who do not deeply interest him, and the communication itself is formal.

Then you have to satisfy hunger for events. Even if there are people around you who are deeply sympathetic to you, but nothing new happens, boredom develops. So, we are tired of the record, which until recently we listened to with great pleasure. That is why people gossip with pleasure when some scandalous story with their good acquaintance suddenly becomes known. This immediately refreshes communication.

There is still hunger for achievement. It is necessary to achieve some result that you aspired to, to master some skill. A person rejoices when he suddenly starts to succeed.

should be satisfied and hunger for recognition. So, an athlete performs at competitions, although he has already shown record results in training, a writer tries to publish a book he has written, and a scientist tries to defend a dissertation he has prepared. And it's not just about financial rewards.

We do not just eat food, but cook some dishes from them, and we may remain dissatisfied if we have not eaten borscht or drunk compote for a long time. We exchange greetings (rituals), work (procedures), have conversations during breaks (entertainment), love, conflict. Lack of some forms of communication can lead to structural hunger. For example, it comes if a person only works and does not have fun at all.

Many books have been written about tasty and healthy food. But why is so little attention paid to the gastronomy of communication?

Communication with oneself (structural analysis)

A young engineer makes a report at a conference. He has one pose vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. This is an Adult person who objectively assesses reality. He comes home, and his wife asks him right from the door to throw out the garbage. And before us is another person - a capricious Child. Everything has changed: posture, vocabulary, facial expressions, pantomime, gestures. In the morning, when he is already leaving for work, his son accidentally spills a glass of cherry juice on his light, carefully ironed suit. And again before us is another person - a formidable Parent.
Studying the communication of people, E. Berne described three I-states that each person has and which, in turn, and sometimes together, go to external communication. I-states are normal psychological phenomena of the human personality (Parent (P) - Adult (B) - Child (D)) (Fig. 2. 2.).

All of them are necessary for life. The child is the source of our desires, inclinations, needs. Here joy, intuition, creativity, fantasy, curiosity, spontaneous activity. But here are fears, whims, discontent. In addition, the Child contains all psychic energy. For whom do we live? For the Child! It may be the best part our personality.

Adult necessary for survival. The child wants, the Adult fulfills. The Adult crosses the street, climbs the mountains, makes an impression, gets food, builds a dwelling, sews clothes, etc. The Adult controls the actions of the Parent and the Child.

If the action is performed frequently and becomes automatic, Parent appears. It is the autopilot that steers our ship correctly under normal conditions, which frees the Adult from making routine everyday decisions, it is also the brakes that automatically keep us from reckless actions. The parent is our conscience. Child's mottos - I want, I like; Adult - expedient, useful; Parents - must, can not. And happy man, if he want, expedient and must have the same content! For example, I want to write this book, it is expedient to write this book, I must write this book.

If the desires of the Child are satisfied in a timely manner, they look moderate and are not difficult to fulfill. A delay in meeting a need leads either to its disappearance or to excesses. This happens, for example, when a person restricts himself in food: he becomes a glutton or loses his appetite.

Leaders, parents, teachers, in general, all of us should remember that the programs of the Parent, especially those acquired in early childhood, can be very stable. It takes a lot of effort and special techniques to destroy them. The Parent in his demands becomes aggressive, forces the Adult to work, harms the Child, due to whose energy he himself exists.

Another danger comes from the Parent. It often has powerful prohibition programs that prevent the individual from satisfying his needs, prohibitions: "Don't get married until you get higher education". "Never meet on the street" and so on. For a while they hold the Child back, but then the energy of unsatisfied needs destroys the dam of prohibitions. When the Child (I want to) and the Parent (I can't) quarrel with each other, and the Adult cannot reconcile them, an internal conflict develops, a person is torn apart by contradictions.

Communication with a partner (transactional analysis)

Parallel transactions

In each of us there are, as it were, three people who often do not get along with each other. When people are together, sooner or later they begin to communicate. If A. addresses B., then he sends him a communicative stimulus (Fig. 2.3.).

B. answers him. This is a communicative response. Stimulus and response is a transaction, which is the unit of communication. Thus, the latter can be viewed as a series of transactions. B.'s answer becomes a stimulus for A.

When two people communicate, they enter into a systemic relationship with each other. If A. starts communication, and B. answers him.

A.'s further actions depend on B's response. The goal of transactional analysis is to find out which I-state A. sent the communicative stimulus and which I-state B. gave the answer.

B-B:
A: What time is it?
B: Thursday to eight.

R-R:
A .: The students do not want to study at all.
B .: Yes, before curiosity was higher.

D-D:
A .: And what if you go to the cinema after the last lecture? B: Yes, it's a good idea.

These are parallel transactions of the first type.(Fig. 2.4.). There is no conflict here and never will be. On the B - B line we work, exchange information, on the D - D line we love, have fun, on the P - R line we gossip. These transactions proceed in such a way that psychologically partners are equal. These are transactions of psychological equality.

The second type of parallel transactions occurs in a situation of guardianship, suppression, care (R - D) or helplessness, whim, admiration (D - R) (Fig. 2.5.). These are transactions of psychological inequality. Sometimes such relationships can last quite a long time. The father takes care of his son, the boss tyrannizes his subordinates. Children are forced to endure the pressure of their parents until a certain age, the subordinate is forced to endure the bullying of the boss. But there will definitely come a time when someone will get tired of patronizing, and someone will be patronized, someone will not withstand tyranny.

You can calculate in advance when these relationships will end in a break. Let's think about when? It is not difficult to guess that these relations are maintained by existing connections along the line B - B. It is clear that they will end when the relations B - B exhaust themselves, that is, the gap will occur when the children cease to depend materially on their parents, and the subordinate receives high qualifications and wealth.

If the relationship persists after that, then a conflict will certainly develop, a struggle begins. As on an unbalanced balance, the one who was below will tend to rise up and bring down the one who was above. In its extreme expressions, the relationship R-D is a slavish-tyrannical relationship. Let's consider them in a little more detail.

What is the slave thinking? Certainly not about freedom! He thinks and dreams of becoming a tyrant. Slavery and tyranny are not so much foreign relations how many states of mind. In every slave sits a tyrant, and in a tyrant a slave. You can formally be a slave, but remain free in your soul. When the philosopher Diogenes was taken into slavery and put up for sale, a potential buyer asked him:
— What can you do? Diogenes replied:
- Rule the people! Then he asked the herald:
- Announce if anyone wants to buy a master?

Analyze your relationships in the family or at work. If you are in the position of a slave, the depreciation technique will allow you to feel like a free person and get out of slave dependence on your oppressor, even if he is your boss. If you are in the position of a tyrant, use special techniques when establishing equal relations.

So, dear reader, it has already become clear to you theoretical basis depreciation principle. It is necessary to see what position your partner is in and to know in which your I-state the communicative stimulus is directed. Your answer should be parallel. “Psychological strokes” go along the D-R line, offers for cooperation go along the B-B line, and “psychological blows” go along the P-D line.

Below I will list some signs by which you can quickly diagnose the condition in which your partner is.

Parent. Pointing finger, the figure resembles the letter F. On the face - indulgence or contempt, often - a wry smile. Heavy look down. Sits leaning back. Everything is clear to him, he knows some secret that is not available to others. He loves common truths and expressions: “I will not tolerate this”, “To be done immediately”, “Is it really difficult to understand!”, “The horse understands!”, “Here you are absolutely wrong”, “I fundamentally disagree with this”, “What idiot came up with this?”, “You didn’t understand me”, “Who does that!”, “How much can you say?”, “You are obliged ...”, “Shame on you!”, “It’s impossible. ..”, “No way”, etc.

Adult. The gaze is directed at the object, the body seems to move forward, the eyes are somewhat dilated or narrowed. On the face - an expression of attention. Uses expressions: “Sorry, I didn’t understand you, please explain again”, “I probably didn’t explain clearly, so they refused me”, “Let's think”, “What if we do this”, “How do you planning to do this job? etc.

Child. Both posture and facial expression correspond to the internal state - joy, grief, fear, anxiety, etc. Often exclaims: “Excellent!”, “Wonderful!”, “I want!”, “I don’t want!”, “I’m tired!” , “Sickened!”, “Damn it all!”, “Let it burn with fire!”, “No, you are simply amazing!”, “I love you!”, “I will never agree!”, “Why should I necessary?”, “When will it all end?”

Crossed transactions (mechanisms of conflict)

Any person, even the most conflicted one, does not conflict all the time. Therefore, it amortizes, enters into communication, which is in the nature of sequential transactions. If people did not behave at least sometimes correctly, they would die.

In the family (classic example of E. Berne):

Husband: Honey, can you tell me where my cufflinks are? (B - B).
Wife: 1) You are no longer small, it's time for you to know where your cufflinks are! 2) Where you left them (R - D).

In the shop:

Customer: Can you tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs? (B - B).
Seller: Do you have no eyes?! (R - D).

In production:

A .: Can you tell me which brand is better to use here? (B - B).
B .: It's time for you to know such elementary things! (R - D).

Husband: If we had order in the house, I could find my cufflinks! (R - D).
Wife: If you would help me a little, I could manage the household! (R - D).
Husband: We don't have such a big farm. Be quick. If your mother had not spoiled you as a child, you would have managed. See, I don't have time! (R - D).
Wife: If your mom taught you to help, didn't serve you breakfast in bed, you would find time to help me! (R - D).

The further course of events is clear: they will sort out all relatives up to the seventh generation, they will remember all the insults that they inflicted on each other. It is possible that one of them will increase the pressure and he will be forced to leave the battlefield. Then they will look for cufflinks together. Wouldn't it have been better to do it right away?

Let's look at the conflict scheme (Fig. 2. 7.).

The first move of the husband was along the line B - B. But, apparently, the wife has a very touchy Child and powerful Parent, or maybe she was hooked up in another place (for example, at work). Therefore, she perceived her husband's request as pressure on the Child. Who usually stands up for the child? Of course, parent. So her Parent rushed to the defense of the Child, pushing the Adult into the background. The same thing happened with my husband. The wife pricked the child of her husband. This led to the fact that the energy of the latter hit the Parent, who discharged reproaches and pricked the Child of the wife, who "contracted" his Parent. It is clear that there will be a scandal until the energy of the Child of one of the partners is depleted. Generally psychological conflict goes to destruction. Either someone leaves the battlefield, or a disease develops. Sometimes one of the partners is forced to give in, but in practice this does little, since there is no inner peace. Many believe that they have a good psychological preparation, as they manage to maintain external equanimity with internal tension. But this is the way to the disease!

And now let us return again to the structure of psychological conflict. All aspects of personality are involved here. There are six people on external communication. This is the market! Relations are being clarified: The parent of the wife grappled with the Child of the husband. The child of the husband sorts things out with the Parent of the wife, the quiet voice of the Adult husband and wife is not heard, it is muffled by the cry of the Parent and the crying of the Child. But only the Adult does the work! Scandal takes away the energy that should go to productive activities. You can't fight and work at the same time. In times of conflict, things stand. After all, you still have to look for cufflinks.

I'm not against conflict at all. But we need business conflicts that go along the B-B line. At the same time, positions are clarified, opinions are polished, people become closer to each other.

And what happened to our heroes in the store? If the buyer's Parent is weak, his Child will cry and he will leave the store without a purchase, complaining about life. But if its Parent is no less powerful than the seller's Parent, then the dialogue will go as follows:

Customer: She also asks if I have eyes! I don't know if you will have them now! I know what you're doing here all day while I'm working hard! (R - D).
Seller: Look, what kind of business turned up. Take my place! (R - D).

You can imagine further continuation of the conversation. Most often, a queue intervenes in the conflict, which is divided into two parties. One supports the seller, the other supports the buyer. But most importantly, the seller will still name the price! Isn't it better to do it right away?

In production, things are more complicated. If A. depends on B. for work, he may remain silent, but negative emotions, especially if such cases occur frequently, A. will accumulate. The defusing of the conflict can come when A. gets out of the influence of B., and B. makes some inaccuracy.

In the described situations, the Husband, the Buyer, A. see themselves as the suffering party. Nevertheless, they could get out of this situation with honor if they had mastered the depreciation technique. How would the dialogue proceed then?

In family:
Husband: Yes, I'm not small, it's time for me to know where my cufflinks are. But you see how unselfish I am. But you are so economic to me. You know everything. I believe that you will teach me this too, etc. (D - R).

In the shop:
Customer: I really don't have eyes. And you have wonderful eyes, and now you will tell me how much a kilogram of sausage costs (D - R). (I witnessed this scene. The whole queue laughed. The seller, at a loss, named the price of the goods).

In production:
A: It's time for me to really know that. As soon as you have the patience to repeat the same thing to us a thousand times! (D - R).

In all these depreciation responses, the Child of our heroes answered the Parent of the offenders. But the Adult controlled the actions of the Child.

I hope that in some cases depreciation has begun to work for you. But still, do you sometimes break into the old style of communication? Don't be so quick to blame yourself. All students of psychological struggle go through this stage. After all, many of you lived with the desire to command, but here, according to at least outwardly, one must obey. It does not work right away because there is no necessary psychological flexibility.

Look again at fig. 2.5.

Those places where the Adult is connected with the Parent and the Child can be called the "joints of the soul." They provide psychological flexibility, the relationship between these parts is easily changed. If there is no psychological flexibility, the "joints of the soul" grow together (Fig. 2.8.).

Parent and Child obscure the field of activity intended for the Adult. The adult then engages in unproductive activities. There is no money, but the Parent demands to treat, arrange a magnificent holiday. There is no real danger, but the Child requires extra effort for unnecessary protection. If the Adult is always busy with the affairs of the Parent (prejudices) or the Child (fears, illusions), he loses independence and ceases to understand what is happening in outside world, becomes the event logger. “I understood everything, but I could not help myself ...”

In this way, The first task of a student of psychological struggle is to master the ability to remain in an adult position. What needs to be done for this? How to restore the mobility of the joints of the soul? How to stay objective as an Adult? Thomas Harris advises to become sensitive to the signals of the Parent and the Child, which work automatically. Wait if in doubt. It is useful to program questions in the Adult: “Is this true?”, “Does it apply?”, “Where did I get this idea from?”. When you're in a bad mood, ask why your Parent hits your Child. You need to take the time to make big decisions. Your Adult must be constantly trained. You can't learn navigation during a storm.

Another task is to bring your communication partner into an adult position. Most often, this has to be done in the service, when you receive a categorical order from the boss, the implementation of which is not possible. It usually follows the P-D line. The first move is depreciation, and then the business question is asked. At the same time, the thinking of the communication partner is stimulated, and he becomes in the position of an Adult.

Chief: Do it now! (R - D).
Subordinate: Okay. (D - R). But as? (B - B).
Chief: Think about it! What are you here for? (R - D).
Subordinate: If I could think like you, then I would be the boss and you the subordinate. (D - R).

Usually, after two or three depreciation moves (the Child of the boss is not affected), the energy of the Parent is depleted, and since there is no new energy, the partner descends to the position of the Adult.

During a conversation, you should always look into the partner's eyes - this is the position of the Adult, in extreme cases, up, as if surrendering to mercy, - the position of the Child. Under no circumstances should you look down. This is the position of the attacking Parent.

Summary

Each of us has three self-states: Parent, Adult and Child. The unit of communication is a transaction, consisting of a stimulus and a response.

With parallel transactions, communication lasts a long time (the first law of communication), with intersecting transactions, it stops and a conflict develops (the second law of communication).

The principle of amortization is based on the ability to determine the direction of the stimulus and in reverse direction give an answer.

Business communication goes along the B-B line. To bring a partner into the position of an Adult, you must first agree, and then ask a question.

Private depreciation

From my point of view, a “strong-willed” leader, that is, one who shouts, threatens, demands, punishes, takes revenge, persecutes, is a stupid leader. Firstly, he himself does not think, because he is in the position of the Parent, and secondly, by stimulating the Child of the subordinate, he blocks the mind of the latter and dooms the matter to failure.

A smart leader clarifies, asks questions, listens to other people's opinions, supports the initiative of subordinates and is usually in the position of an Adult. It seems that he is not in command, but he is being commanded. Such a leader can safely go on vacation, and his absence will not adversely affect the state of affairs.

Often conflicts between maturing children and parents arise due to the fact that children want more independence, and parents are trying to maintain a commanding position. Conflicts are serious when children are already adults, and parents continue to actively interfere in their lives.

The scandal is not as bad as it might seem. During a conflict, especially a violent one, there is an energy discharge that brings temporary relief. Some even fall asleep immediately after the conflict, and then, remembering, they say that they quarreled to their heart's content.

Any, even the most interesting, work causes one or another tension in the body. The body is overheating. The best "cooler" is the joy of love. And if she is not? Then conflict comes to the rescue. So, the best prevention of conflict is love.

What does depreciation lead to? The man removes his thorns. Psychological struggle teaches to accept a partner in the totality of all his qualities, like a rose, to accept both a flower and thorns. We must learn not to stumble on the thorns of a partner, but to deal only with a flower. You also need to remove your thorns.

By holding, you will not achieve anything, by letting go, you can return.

Summary

Depreciation is applicable in the service, in public, personal and family relationships. Here you need:

1. Bring depreciation to the end, be able to wait for the result.
2. Accept the person as a whole, trying not to run into his thorns.
3. Before breaking off relationships, build them.

Surprise

In addition to depreciation, there is also super depreciation.
Principle: strengthen yourself the quality that your communication partner attributed to you.

In the bus:

Woman (to a man who let her go ahead to the bus, but crushed her a little): Ooh, bear!
Man (with a smile): You should also call him a goat.
A: You are stupid!
B .: Not only a fool, but a bastard! So beware!

With "psychological stroking" and an invitation to cooperation, this technique is better not to use.
Usually super cushioning ends the conflict immediately.

Wish you luck!

██ ██ To all those who lost hope and gave up. The author, like Kozma Prutkov, believes that a person's happiness is in his own hands. And if he knows how to communicate with himself, finds a common language with loved ones, is able to manage a group and quickly get used to a new situation, he is doomed to happiness. The author uses his rich clinical experience and experience in psychological counseling, gives simple recommendations on how to improve communication. Life is an easy thing, and if it's hard for you, then you are doing something wrong. Joy is what is felt after some creative or socially significant action that was not performed for the purpose of obtaining benefits.

According to the concept of relations by V.N. Myasishchev, position means “the integration of the dominant electoral relations of a person in any matter that is significant for him. It determines the nature of the experiences of the individual, the features of the perception of reality, the nature of behavioral reactions to external influences.

Theoretical analysis has shown that the terms "parental position, attitude, attitude, upbringing" are often used in the scientific literature as synonyms.

So, A. S. Spivakovskaya considers the parental position as a real orientation, which is based on a conscious or unconscious assessment of the child, expressed in the ways and forms of interaction with children. From the point of view of A. S. Spivakovskaya, parental positions are manifested in interaction with the child and represent an interweaving of conscious and unconscious motives. She believes that as a set of attitudes, parental positions exist on three levels: emotional, cognitive and behavioral. The author characterizes parental positions according to the following parameters:

* Adequacy - the degree of orientation of parents in the perception of the individual characteristics of the child, his development, the ratio of the qualities that are objectively inherent in the child, and the qualities that are visible and realized by the parents. The adequacy of the position of the parents is manifested in the degree and sign of distortions in the perception of the image of the child. Thus, the adequacy parameter describes the cognitive component of the interaction of parents with a child.
* Dynamism - the degree of mobility of parental positions, the ability to change the ways and forms of interaction with the child. Dynamism can manifest itself:
- a) in the perception of the child: the creation of a changeable portrait of the child, or the operation of a static portrait created once and for all;
- b) in the degree of flexibility of forms and methods of interaction in connection with age-related changes in the child;
- c) in the degree of variability of the impact on the child in accordance with different situations, due to the change in the conditions of interaction.

Thus, the parameter of dynamism describes the cognitive and behavioral components of parental positions.

* Predictability - the ability of parents to extrapolate, foresee the prospects for the further development of the child and the ability to build further interaction with him.

Thus, predictiveness determines both the depth of perception of a child by parents, i.e., it describes the cognitive component of the parental position, and special forms of interaction with children, i.e., the behavioral component of the parental position.

The emotional component manifests itself in all three parameters (adequacy, dynamism, predictability) of the parental position. It is expressed in the emotional coloring of the image of the child, in the predominance of one or another emotional background in the interaction: parents - children.

From the point of view of T. V. Arkhireeva, parental positions are realized in the behavior of the father and mother in one or another type of upbringing, that is, in certain methods of influence and the nature of the treatment of the child. She identified three main factors that characterize parental positions: “hyper-custody - lack of parental care”, “lack of democracy in relations with the child - democracy”, “dictatorship in education - rejection of authoritarianism.

A. A. Chekalina points out that parental positions are a system of parental attitudes that determine the strategy and tactics of parental behavior. In turn, parental attitudes are defined by the author as the readiness of parents to act in a certain situation based on their emotional and value attitude to the elements of this situation.

The parental position can be conscious when there is a relationship and interaction with the child, reflected by the parent, and unconscious when the interaction of the parent with the child is subject to the influence of the parent's unconscious motivation.

Summarizing the content of the constituent parental positions, M. O. Ermikhina notes the following. The cognitive component includes ideas about the real and ideal image of the child, about the existing positions of the parent, about his parental position. The emotional component is the dominant emotional background, judgments and assessments regarding the real image of the child, their parental positions and regarding the interaction between parents and children. The behavioral component contains the communicative positions of parents, the prognostic aspect (planning) of further interaction with the child.

A typical parent position is the "above", "on top" position. An adult has strength, experience, independence. In contrast, the child is physically weak, inexperienced, completely dependent. The ideal version of the parental position that spouses should strive for is equality of positions. It means recognizing the active role of the child in the process of his upbringing. In most cases, the attention of researchers is directed to the study of unfavorable parental positions that develop in functionally insolvent families and have negative consequences for the formation of the personality of adolescents.

R. V. Ovcharova considers the parental position as an integral system of parental relations: attitude towards parenthood, attitude towards the parental role, attitude towards oneself as a parent, attitude towards the child and attitude towards educational practice.

Thus, according to the researcher, the attitude towards parenthood in general can be characterized through the prism of its perception by parents as happy, bringing pride and joy; heavy, bringing trouble; requiring efforts for self-development, self-change of the personality of the father and mother; conducive to their self-realization.

The attitude to the parental (father, maternal) role is manifested in acceptance, rejection, or an ambivalent attitude, both to one's own role and to the role of another parent; adequate acceptance of one's own parental role (father or mother). At the same time, it is important not only to accept your own role, but also the role of a partner. The non-acceptance of the parental role by the father leads to a change in the parental position of the mother, and vice versa.

Attitude towards oneself as a parent is manifested in the dichotomies confident - insecure, compliant - dominant, kind-hearted - demanding, trusting - incredulous.

The attitude towards the child can be emotionally balanced, or with an excessive concentration of attention on the child, detachedly indifferent. A variant of the conflicting attitude of parents towards their child is possible, the variability of which is determined by the achievements or failures of the child, the mood of the parents and many other factors.

The attitude to educational practice is manifested in the responsibility or irresponsibility of parents; the consistency or inconsistency of their educational influences on the child; in their educational confidence or insecurity.

According to the research results of O.A. Karabanova identified the following most characteristics parents' perceptions of themselves as a parent.

“I am real. 1. Parents in the overwhelming majority of cases highly appreciate the level of their emotional acceptance of the child, however, it is quite often realized only at the level of experience and awareness and does not find adequate expression in the communication and joint activities of parents with the child. The inconsistency between the affective and subject-effective (behavioral) levels of the child's emotional acceptance is due to various reasons. In the case of the problematic nature of the parent-child relationship, they are as follows:

- orientation of parents to socially desirable examples of the parental role due to the hypersocialization of the parent and his desire for perfectionism in the absence/deficiency of a deep parental feeling for the child;
- low communicative competence in relation to the development of operational and technical means of communication (verbal and non-verbal), the inability to express love and acceptance of the child in an effective form;
- orientation of parents to authoritarian stereotypes of upbringing, structuring parent-child relationships according to the type of domination - subordination, where the parent's open expression of love and acceptance of the child is considered as an undesirable manifestation of the "weakness" of the parental discipline system. This type of orientation is typical of the traditional understanding of paternal rather than maternal love.
2. Low criticality of parents in assessing their parental qualities and the level of parental competence. As a rule, only the low efficiency of the family education system and the existence of difficulties in understanding, interaction and cooperation in parent-child relationships are recognized.

I am perfect It characterizes the features of parents' ideas about the standard of qualities and role behavior of a parent. Parents attach great importance to the block of characteristics of emotional acceptance and interaction with the child and the block of communicative qualities. When building relationships with a child, in the opinion of parents, it is necessary to proceed from the principles of equality and respect for his personality, to recognize his right to freedom to choose his own path of development. At the same time, most parents believe that the principles they declare can be implemented only when a certain level of “independence and responsibility” of the child is reached, and until that moment the function of unconditional leadership, guardianship and control should be retained for them.

“A distinctive feature of the relationship between the images of I-real and I-ideal parents who experience difficulties in the process of raising children has become the disharmony of their assessment of their real parental qualities and ideas about the desired “ideal” qualities. Based on the works of K. Rogers, K. Horney and R. Burns, three types of disharmony in the ratio of I-real and I-ideal were identified. Firstly, the replacement of the I-real I-ideal - the parent evaluates himself as perfect and flawless in fulfilling his parental role, the image of "I as a parent" distorts reality. Secondly, the replacement of the I-ideal I-real - the parent is not critical to fulfilling his paternal or maternal role, is completely satisfied with his behavior as an educator, his orientation towards self-development and self-improvement is poorly expressed, there is no psychological readiness to work on himself. And, thirdly, there is a significant gap between the I-ideal and I-real, leaving no room for setting specific realistic tasks to improve the parental position. The described types of disharmony in the ratio of images “I as a parent” (I-real and I-ideal) cause incongruity (K. Rogers) of the parent in communicating with the child and significantly complicate the process of communication.

). They can also be conscious, see Position and ego-state

For a description of these intrapersonal roles in Eric Berne's theory, see Ego-states in transactional analysis.

In order for a close relationship in a couple to be successful, every day both must be in each of these roles: to be both a Parent in relation to the Child, and a Child next to the Parent, and to be in an Adult-Adult relationship. If people don't get that, they tend to value the relationship less and often look for that kind of relationship on the side, in a relationship with someone else. See →

Inconsistency (crossing) in - one of the frequent causes of interpersonal conflicts. Look

Most of the RAD literature already has its established patterns describing the Parent-Adult-Child positions. In practice, each of these positions has many variations and styles. See →

Case from practice.

Received the following email:

Hello uv. Nikolay Ivanovich! Thank you so much for your books and your work! Your editions of 93 and 94. at one time they made a great impression on me with the accessibility of presentation, clarity and clarity. Unfortunately, long years I did not understand that simply reading tons of popular literature (even the most talented) does not change life if there is no daily practical work and self-observation. AT Last year I often watch your videos, lectures, interviews, and this helps me understand in which direction I need to move. Nikolai Ivanovich, please help me resolve the issue that has arisen in my path. In the process of introspection, I realized that a number of my problems come from a certain infantile beginning, a “child”, to whom I (inwardly) gave the code name “Dyusha”, this is a capricious boy. Accordingly, there is also an adult responsible mentor "Papa-Vitya", who deals with agreements and reconciliation with "Dyusha" on a bunch of a wide variety of issues. Until recently, it was as if I did not separate "Papa Vitya", in fact, from myself, and alienated only "Dyusha", while, of course, accepting, forgiving and loving this child. But in recent times I suddenly began to doubt whether I was on the right path. After all, it turns out that there should be 3 defendants, because to have an objective view of the relationship between those two, you need a third observer. Nikolai Ivanovich, if possible - tell me how it would be correct to count - Papa Vitya - this is me myself, i.e. my main self, controlling the child Dyusha, or am I an observer of both?

Answered briefly:

I will suggest you to live easier. Live in the most primitive way, namely as Homo sapiens: a reasonable person. Do what is reasonable and right, and do not do what is stupid and not right. You have a head on your shoulders, you can’t confuse the main things. What difference does it make who or where your "a number of your problems" come from? Wherever or from whom they come, live well. And do not fool yourself with subpersonalities.